I just went back and read your thread and I am going to move back into the MB,I have only been on the couch for about a week.
I went to the couch because she said she was going to turn my office into her bedroom and I said that I didn't want that because it would be disruptive and she said she thought that would be less disruptive than her moving out.
I know I am being the nice guy and trying to keep the peace but a couple of things that are different than your sitch is my wife isn't angry and fighting and no evidence or real suspition of OM.
Allot of what I read about her losing respect and attraction to me rang true,I guess I do need to start being less helpful and start to rock the boat a little.
I just know that my behavior in the past of being jealous,controlling and insecure had allot to do with us being where we are now but she is the one talking about ending a 26 year marriage,I want to work through things and have a better marriage after making it through all of this.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
I just returned from the Cancun trip and I will highlight the trip below. It started off rocky but got better and I really think I know what I have to do now.
We left on Thursday. Since I scheduled my flight separately, we left on separate planes. Everything went well until I found myself on my daughter’s gymnastic coach’s flight. She is divorced and seems to know quite a bit about our situation.
She saw me in line and insisted that we sit together “ We could be husband and wife” This statement made me feel very uncomfortable, and she kept saying it. She went to the flight attendant and demanded that we sit together. She said she was going to buy me drinks... Awkward... I told her I would see her in Cancun and went to my assigned seat.....Whew!
I sat down and had a nice conversation with a couple from Texas. Normally, I get into a book, but today, I started a conversation and made some friends. I warned them about the coach and I was right. She came back to my seat with alcohol on her breath and was loud and telling everyone. ”Hey, this is my husband”... Again Awkward.
Then she started telling me that my daughter had the fantasy that everything was going to work out... I said “it is”. She told me no it’s not. This made me angry and I didn’t want to talk to her. She told me my wife had told her all the cliches i.e. “I’m still young and attractive, now is the time to walk” etc. Every one around me heard all this. I tried to diffuse the situation and eventually she went back to her seat. Michelle, the woman that was sitting next to me said “ she wants you”. Oh boy......How do I keep getting into these messes. All I wanted was a quiet flight. Trouble just finds me.
After the flight landed I told another one of my daughters coaches how uncomfortable I felt. I thought that would be the end of it.
I waited and my wife and kids arrived 2 hours later. We got to the hotel and checked in then all went for a walk on the beach as the sun went down. It felt so good to be with my family, the sun, sand, and the surf. All was peaceful. It was heaven.
That evening my wife picked up my cell phone and found some things that I wasn’t proud of. In my efforts to GAL, I have been texting and flirting with other women about going out for coffee, and I have 3 or 4 lined up. I wasn’t comfortable with this, but I felt it was necessary for me to heal. When she found some of this information she took my phone and locked herself in the bathroom with it. Oh man.....
Although I hadn’t gone out, when she opened the door she was trembling....”Who is this?” as she pointed to one of the FB photos of one of the potential babes I was flirting with. I didn’t know what to say. She lead me out into the hallway and we talked for an hour or so. It was wrong for me to do that and I told her. I told her about the episode on the plane with the gym coach.. What a frickin’ mess!!!!
The highlight of the conversation was that.. She told me how I was so talented and I could do anything I could set my mind to... but no reading or effort on my part was going to change the way she felt.
I told her I knew that I couldn’t change her will but what I have done, was change the person who I am now. “I am a better father, a christian, and a more caring and giving person... etc. I am a man and I won’t be pushed around anymore, I will care and protect the woman that I care for and love.” This statement stopped her cold. She said with tears in her eyes “I never wanted to yell at you and treat you that way. I’m a sweet person.” It wasn’t about the M, it was about me that I was making these changes for.
The next morning the gym coach called me and confronted me about what I had told the other coach. I told her that I felt uncomfortable about the way she was acting on the plane and it was inappropriate to bring up my personal business on the plane in front of everyone.... Then I hung up. For the rest of the trip she was defending herself to my W repeatedly. I told my daughter “if she asks about us, tell her everything is great! ”
The meet went well and my daughter had some good results. The coach felt she had to give my daughter extra attention which resulted in some extra pressure on her. She fell on the beam and bars. She was in tears for most of the meet. My W blamed it on me. I told her that was unfair.
That night we went out to Senor Frogs for dinner. It was a wild place and my W and I drank margaritas in in cups that looked like palm trees but also like a phallus. She motioned to it jokingly. We had fun chain dancing, line dancing and had ballon hats. It was a fun night.
The next day, my W was very disturbed about my prior actions and called me into the hall again for another conversation. She told me she had no doubts that it was over now. I told her that I was wrong and that I wasn’t going to follow up with any of it.
I told her if a divorce is what she wanted I would grant it to her. I want her to be happy and I didn’t want to be in a loveless M. For the first time in months I was able to hold her hand and touch her without recoil. I was able to hug her.
The last day, we sat on the beach and she read 10% of “Real Love and Marriage”. I thought that was a positive.
Right now, my gut tells me that I need to show her unconditional love. No more games or manipulation with behaviors that I don’t really feel. She has been empty emotionally for years and I need to show her that I really care. I am able to touch her now which is a positive step. I showed her that we can have fun as a family, and we need to make more trips like this.
Things have to change and it has to start with me. I have made so many mistakes trying to fix this. I need to follow my heart.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Doc, Glad you and the family were able to have some fun. It also sounds great that you and W were able to make a connection!
It sounds like you need some recovery/healing time. Don't be hard on yourself. You have never been in this position before, so you can't expect yourself to always do the right thing-- making mistakes is an essential part of the process. At the core of all knowledge is trial and error. There is no oracle here, there is just us. I'm reminded of a quote from Einstien, 'Our problems will not be solved with the same level of thinking that created them.' To me, this says we have an obligation to seek out the skills and ability to find the type of thinking(and being) that will help us solve our problems. Of course, everything we try that is different isn't necessarily the right thing. I don't know whether it seems like it or not, but it sounds like forward progress was made. I hope you can take it easy on yourself.
Forgive me if I am over stepping my bounds here, but it sounds like your daughter needs someone to talk to.
Thanks for the book recommendation and the advice, I'm almost done. Great stuff. Things are a mess right now. My daughter is holding everything inside. I think if things go bad, she will see someone for sure. She is so cute. We were in a line chain dancing at the bar, she was in between my W and I, then she stepped away with a big smile on her face and went back to the table so we would be together.
I am have decided not to be so dark and give her the love that was missing in our marriage which was empty. She seems to be accepting it now. My gut tells me this is what she wants. I suppose she sees that other women find me desirable and I got the message that this bothered her a lot. A woman that really wanted to get rid of me, and really wanted a divorce wouldn't care what I did.
She told me every guy always has a plan B in his back pocket. I'm going 100% plan A now.
My ihome woke me up today with the old Elvis tune "A little less conversation and a little more action". Again, not my stuff. I think she sent me another message.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
I have a lot on my plate tonight, emotionally, but I just wanted to pop in and say, "Way to go!" Something tells me that you're doing the absolute right thing!
I'll be back!
HUGS, FRIEND!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
