Hey Gypsy, great thread. I always learn something from your posts.
Originally Posted By: john210
I am a little concerned lately on the amount of energy and though that is going into the exes or whatever you guys want to call them. Also soem are spending an inordinate amount of time on the new "friends" in their lives (or the new old friends).
Not to worry john. I think we have things in perspective. Early on after the OW bomb, it is indeed very unhealthy to think about her. There's plenty of support and advice in Newcomers for this.
But after 1, 2, 3 years and certainly after the D, I think we deserve the right to skewer the skank whenever we feel like it.
Women love to talk about women. Add a OW to the mix and well....let the party begin!
I vote for KerryK's suggestion * for your X Gypsy!
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Last week, sitting in the police station, S16 was sharing what some of his thoughts were about his dad. Almost immediately, he retracted, embarassed to be thinking such bad thoughts. The Deputy reassured him, that if he went around arresting everyone who had bad thoughts, there'd be no one left, himself included. John...I understand what you're saying, and respect it. It's time to live for today. And I am. So is Gypsy. It's just nice to vent once in a while. As with all my vices, moderation is the key. LOVE YOU GYPSY!! Respectfully, Mrs. Tool p.s. I'm keeping the name. I like it. It's who I've been for 20 years. Going back to my maiden name would be just that, going backward.
Last edited by goldeylox; 01/10/1005:25 AM. Reason: maiden name
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
<<But after 1, 2, 3 years and certainly after the D, I think we deserve the right to skewer the skank whenever we feel like it.>>
I think we deserve the right to do alot of things....I have also noticed that much of the blame (from the ladies mostly) seems to be shifted to the "skanks", whereas us guys seem to blame the WAW and hardly mention the new guy or skunk.
I was just wondering (out loud) at what point the X (or whatever) should stay in a nice little compartment in the back of our brain and come out for less frequent visits....what can we do to keep them there and if some of us actually get something out of bringing them out on a regular basis.
john, I'm sure everyone of us understands that ultimately, the blame lies with the cheating H. But women are very alluring and POWERFUL. Men don't even realize they're being lured in - especially a very vulnerable MLC man.
What, in my sitch, kept OW from insisting "don't come my way again until you try to work things out with your W or until you complete a D". She did not do this - guilty as charged - Husband Stealing Skank.
I don't know why guys hardly mention the OM - just the difference between Mars and Venus I guess. Thank goodness we're different!
I think time and/or a new, healthly, mature relationship will put the X in that compartment in the back of our brain for good one day.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Just saw this on another thread. Perhaps this helps clarify a little more?
Originally Posted By: kara
RW
We all have that anger towards OW and it can be very intense. They chose to step into a M seemingly without any thought as to what it would do to another woman. I don't care what they heard from our Hs , it is just not acceptable. They don't know our history, what issues we face and they participate in what is one of the most cruel things one woman can ever do to another.
Why is our anger at our Hs not as intense? It is tempered by love, as you say.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I get it! Instead of feeling a need to defend my intentions to you, I peeked at one of the websites that came up for putting your past behind you.
Personal growth happens personally. And what works changes over time. Imagine.. GAL being something real and ongoing, not a temporary measure while trying to regain what was lost. It was great reading a different perspective, too.
It's odd.. this post wasn't about name calling.. just that whatever terms are used reflect where you are. If only nasty terms apply, well.. that usually means a boatload of hurt.
But No Contact is another means of letting go.
I can Hip Hip Hurray how much happier I am this year and revel in it. Express a pissy moment, then let it go. I don't need folks calling Bill names to feel better.. in fact, I don't like it. It does nothing for me.
I'm meeting a college friend in NYC this coming weekend. Your post, Giovanni.. has been rumbling in my head about how I seem to be focused on the upcoming anniversary. I had no clue until this morning that the date I'm seeing my college pal is the anniversary of the divorce. It was just a good day to meet. Nothing more, nothing less.
Yet, in all of this, it's time to start creating my own life, that works for me. Sometimes 'helping' here hurts. Detachment is a fine line. I needed to live on this board at one point.. and now, it can go counter towards being helpful to others and harmful to me. Yet it's all a choice.
That site I stumbled upon was so helpful on so many levels. I think I'll peek in there more often to keep going in the right direction.
A relationship for me? Don't know, am not going to look. I'm the type who's great until I get too close then turn into a clinging vine, subservient and submissive. I want to be independent, loving the 'me' and accepting a healthy interaction rather than getting lost in someone else.
Goodness me, am I learning how to behave in ways that work.. for me.. and not needing others to validate who I am as a person. Be whole... and share in all the right ways.
Hey Gyps, this is not about defending yourself or proving anything to me...not at all. I choose to read and post to a few people that I have followed for a while and care for. When I see or rather read something that touches me, i write something. I just hope it helps.... You are who you are Gyps...no need to explain anything to me or anyone else. I for one enjoy reading you and hope you keep writing even if you think it is counterproductive.
Be Impeccable With Your Word Don't Take Anything Personally Don't Make Assumptions Always Do Your Best and.....choose to be happy Gyps
I call her by first name for the reasons Gardner mentioned. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Most people know the context. For those who don't, it's a one time mention of "we're not married anymore", "former spouse", or "I'm on my own now".
For me, the name/title really doesn't do anything. Alt names and titles can be funny (and I use them sometimes) but they mostly just perpetuate hurt in me.
Last edited by orangedog; 01/10/1007:54 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I have a 'names' question that pertains to my own name.
I choose to keep my married name b/c that is my children's name too. As a teacher I see tons of kids with multiple names within the family and unless/until I remarry in the far-off future, I plan to keep my name the same as my kids.
However, I am not sure about my title. I will not be a "Mrs." anymore, but I loathe "Ms.", I always have. Can I go back to being a "Miss"??
