Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife wants best of both worlds

I don't think she will introduce them to him until there is some sort of talk between her and OM about longer term R. It will not happen until they reach the point where both are comfortable that their R has a chance of being longer term. I don't think that will happen.

I hope that she is "smart" enough to think about introducing the children to OM. However, as we know being "smart" isn't always available when they are in the fog.

I know that my children (2,3) have been introduced to OM. I think it shows the poor decisions my W is making because the person I M would have thought twice about that. What I do know is that I can't control what she does and she has to live with the consequences of her actions. While I realize my children are young I still have memories of when I was their age and I hope for my W's sake and their sake that they don't remember meeting him when they are older.

You need to focus on what you can control and let go of what you can't control. I know it is hard when it comes to your children but if you can't do anything about it then you can't let your mind get bogged down in the details of those situations either.

I have been playing a little mind game with myself the past couple of days. I this game, I am assuming that my W and the OM are going to get married and will likley have kids together. By thinking this way, there is now no reason to analyse things from a relationship perspective and it seems to be helping me focus more on myself and the kids.

From my suggestion, my W is setting up a family C session so we can make sure the kids are good. My D6 has been a little upset about the D and we are both concerned about her. I think this will be a good thing. While we were discussing this appraoch via email my W mentioned she thought this would be good for "us" and the kids. She is likely going to use part of the session time to get me to accept the OM and ask for my blessing or something to make her feel better about her bad behaviors. Not going to happen! I can and have accpeted the sitch but I do think I will ever be able to accept him and what he represents. Any man that is willing to be involved with a married woman with children (twice) in my opinion is total slime, no matter how nice he is.

The kids are going to get older and at some point will start asking questions. I would like to get the C's opinion on how to handle this. Do I sheild them for the rest of their lives (lie) or do I give them an honest answer...your mother had an A. Not sure how to handle that one but I am probably thinking to far down the road on this one.

The family C session sounds good.

However, in my opinion (and you know what they say about opinions) you need to stop with the mind games. You are investing energy and thoughts into something you can't control. I know you know this but you need to stop focusing on your W and OM.

Just know that your R/M is dead and was dead the day she dropped the bomb. Move on with your life, focus on YOU, what YOU can control, your children and leave the rest to God.

I would love to know what the C says about shielding them from the truth.

They may or may not ask, but I am betting that the R will not work out anyhow b/c OM is what broke up the M. If you stop and think about it, later in life your kids may ask or even other people will ask, "How did you meet?". Now of course they can lie, but the truth is "Oh, I/we had an affair" or "Well, I was cheating on my first Husband". This will always be part of their history and everytime the OM will see you he will know the underlying hate you have for him.
He is almost 10 years younger than her, right? There are so many things that are going to put adverse pressure on a R with them that it just won't last. I think in your sitch which is further along than mine, all you can do is be friendly and live your life. If that means you meet someone else and become involved then so be it, if not and they fall apart and she wants to try again, you cross that bridge when you come to it.

Interesting fantasy, meet someone while your M and live happily ever after. Small problem - both of the parties in the new relationship have serious character issues. These will come out rather quickly with trust issues, insecurity, etc.

Kemper, I just flushed my little mind game tactic down the toilet (twice). I will let you know on the "shielding" subject if it ever comes up.

MSH, the thing is, I do not completely blame the OM for the break-up of my M. If we had a good M, the OM would have never been a factor. Obviously, without the OM the W would have likley vested more energy into saving the M but who knows.

C-bart, in another thread you mention the W should be held responsible for her decisions to the kids (D, family break-up etc.) I agree but how do approach that subject. From her perspective she will think I am trying to make her look bad and conversely, trying to make myself look the good guy. And, I really do not want the kids to think negatively about their mother.

Are you trying to make her look bad? I agree you don't want to make your W the bad guy but you can't cover for her decision. The dialog should be something like Mom has decided she wants to live somewhere else. She has to take the lead and you provide support for the kids. Ask them if they have any questions. If they are why questions you W gets to answer them.

Remember this is not manipulation it is respecting your W'a decision. Respecting and supporting are two different things.

Glad to hear mind trick is out of the way. I hope you had a good night tonight.

DW,
How are things going, thanks for your input on my emails. Has there been any more contact with your W, any mention of intro to OM? Is this weekend your weekend with the kids? Plans? Just checking in.