Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to do when H doesn't contact?

Maybe you won't. YOU cannot make it happen. Re-read that. You cannot make it happen. You must let it happen and stop trying to manipulate the outcome of this. You have far less control over him than you realize and the one person you can control, you aren't. (YOU). Take charge of your life and for now, and the near future, figure he's not a part of it except as it relates to d. Turn it over to God, do your best and leave the results up to Him.

When your h does have contact with you which he will have to, it'll be upbeat and warm. He'll see a contrast between the negative needy image he is using to keep away from you, to justify leaving, with the positive warmth you will project when you do have contact. AND YOU WILL HAVE SOME CONTACT...you have a child. The more months that pass without contact, the more noticeable your changes will be. And he'll contrast the warmth and fun of the family he left behind, with the lonely life he has out there. It's NOT all fun & games out there for him. Hopefully He'll eventually feel safe enough to be around you IF YOU DON'T PURSUE...but are simply fun and pleasant BUT INDEPENDENT of him...no pressure and excessive upbeatness looks like pursuit so it's a balance. End the conversations you two have, you be the one to end them b/c of your fun filled NEW Life...he has to see that you are not the same woman or why would he go back? Plus by seeing a happy woman, he'll feel that the possibiility of repair is there, whereas if you are always needy and sad/mad then he will think it's hopeless. BUT DON"T BE A DOORMAT...are you okay financially? IF he's still jerking you around while making twice the salary you must assert yourself. That will likely, in the LONG run do good things for the R you two have. Why make it easy on him money wise? Let it cost PLUS oh by the way, it's your kids' money so fight for her.

Come up with some goals that are small. Like being the one to stay calm and positive on the phone and ending the conversation first (not rudely, but as soon as there's a tiny lull, GET OFF THE PHONE)...see if you can set another goal of passing on a joke about the kids or a touching story and let it bond AFTER you're off the phone. Don't make your hopes and expectations apparent=pursuit. NO PURSUIT....none. Just slowly building a safe zone so he feels no pressure from being around you. IF he brings up some event at work, listen like a lover. (My DB coach's advice). Also applaud loudly for the 1% of positive things he does. EVen if it's minimal...

Take charge of the finances CALMLY always calmly, and let him see the true costs of the div, WHILE also being a fun warm woman, a woman only a fool would leave is your best shot. You can't worry about the no contact and think that means he never thinks of you two. HE does....he does. He may dread it b/c of the guilt he feels or thinks your'll throw at him. Set and enforce boundaries, no freaking out and no more obsessing. You've done that for too long.....time to leave that part behind and GAL and move on...(MOVING ON DOES NOT MEAN GIVE UP) It means GAL and assume for now he's in the Australian bush and can't call you if there's a storm so let the storms pass and if he calls, you're a fun warm woman...with things to do, places to go and fascinating people to meet....got it?

J-

Thanks 25. I got it. I will come back and re-read it over and over if I get the urge to text or call. As far as finances the taxes went up almost doubled on the house (I'm living in it) and my lawyer said when I get the new ones we will take H back to help pay those expenses. H still isn't paying 1/2 of the one big loan that we have, he pays whatever he feels like paying but my lawyer told me that we would have to get a legal separation in order to make him pay half and it is a 50/50 chance to go in my way. They don't like to do legal separations here and that the masters would rather a divorce and to settle it then. Plus I can't afford to go for a legal separation. The cost is $750 just for the masters fee, not including the lawyer's fee.

So I'm waiting for new tax bill which should be here next month and go for spousal support but then again it will be the same amount he is paying towards the one loan. So I know H will pay the spousal but then stop paying part of the one loan and it equals out to what I would get. So I guess I'm confused on what to do.

Trying to GAL is so rough right now. I'm working two jobs, and have the kids to take care of......running to practices, games, etc.

Wow Goodfight. I know that has to be hard on you. You must be constantly on the go. Are you keeping up your health through all of this? Are you taking time to eat and just relax any?

Kevin

GAL is easier than not getting one...even if it means just revelling in the good parts of your present life, like being with the kids and letting the joy of that wash over you, and picking up one or two new activities that you've always wanted to do or been interested in purely for the joy of it. Acting classes or pottery or something. And or, a career related class. It gets you out of the house and moves you toward a goal NOT related to your h. When I lived in Alaska I did about 8 things, 6 of which were new to me. Volunteered, worked, auditioned, took a playwriting class and a pottery class--so UNlike me..and pushed and stretched just to get through the winters. Did similar stuff for my GAL when h was gone and applied for jobs overseas that the kids thought would be cool for a year...h noticed but who cares? I finally was free to live and move where I wanted to. Very empowering and freeing as is financial independence. The two jobs you are working sounds crazy to me. Like you'd rather not rock the boat with your h, than get the kids the money and attention they need. Come on, do right by the kids.

Be brave, be strong. You'll get through this. The longer he has his cake and eats it too... the harder you make it for yourself. Obviously go dark, and stay dark. No choice there anyhow. But do all of this for you, and the kids and your ability to live happily without him. It's crucial b/c otherwise you are teaching your kids that another person can ruin their lives b/c your pain is crippling you and instead of healing, you're sort of letting the infection poison your whole body. Instead, teach your children that Your pain is deep and real but it is NOT fatal and it is NOT eternal and you will be happy again, loving and laughing again. It's up to you as to when that begins. Why not now?
j-

Hi Kevin, my health is ok I guess. I lost a lot of weight which I can't afford to lose but I'm working on it.

25 thanks for all of your advice, but the $750 is my half of what I would have to pay and H would have to pay the other $750. I wouldn't even know where to come up with that. As far as the spousal support it will be cheaper of course to take him for that so I guess that is what I will do when I get the new tax bill. The only problem like I said before is that he won't pay towards the big loan we owe and it will end up evening out in the end.

I don't know what else to do legally, since I don't have the $750 and is like saying to someone else they need $7,000. And if I did have it which I don't I only have a 50/50 chance of winning since they don't like legal separations here. They want to wait for the D. My lawyer says to wait because he doesn't want me to lose the $750 and feels I might lose it in the end.

Glad to see you are working on it. Make sure you are eating every day even when it seems hard. It will also help keep up your mental outlook. I know about losing weight through this. I lost 55 pounds through this mess. I wasn't eating or doing anything to help myself. At best I was walking each day which was furthering the weight loss process. My face was sinking in. I was drowning in my clothes. It wasn't healthy at all the way it was happening. I have since turned that around and I am looking healthier and feeling heatlhier. But it was a process I had to work through.

You can do it. I have faith in you.

Kevin

Thanks Kevin for your faith in me.

what are your goals? Short term, and long term? Maybe if you write them down, it'll clarify things. You're sort of lost in the woods now with excessive details about costs and not an actual plan for action, or anything but reacting...and the phrase "can't see the trees for the forest" comes to mind.

I'm asking you to try and clarify your life. What do you want? (The prohibited answer is "my old life" b/c that is the one thing you cannot have). I just read something funny but true, from a NY City rabbi who said, "the secret to happiness? Oh, that's simply. Love what you have. Don't think so much about what you don't have..." Just a thought.

Good luck,
j-

First of all I need to get myself out of this depression and be healthy again. That has to happen first I think before I can even think of long time goals.

Thanks

so what are you doing to that end? getting help? Don't "wait" for life to improve. Make it so. The resources are there and there is NO shame in availing yourself of them. Been there, done that. And am glad!
j-