Hi Cutterbug, Yes he does need help. Unfortunately, he was going to counselling, a very nice woman who advocates needs being met -- and conversely, when your needs aren't being met, it's something wrong with the other person, so get out. I'm not sure she understood the depth of his emotional problems -- heck, I didn't even get it.
I'm the kind of person who always thinks I DIDN'T do enough, maybe there was something else, etc. The revelations of the past several weeks, though, have started to get through to me that his problems are way too big for me to presume I could have done anything about them. Big challenge for me is tiptoeing through these minefields to make sure my children remain somewhat unscathed. At least he was perectly normal on the surface, and they have had a stable home life, believe it or not. But there are also problems -- 16 y o son is somewhat depressed and 10 y-o d is compartmentalizing, and pushes away her feelings. So I have my work cut out for me.
No matter how much you know walking away from it is actually the right thing, when you still love someone deeply it is really hard.
Thanks for the hugs. I'm actually doing surprisingly well, all things considered. It makes me sad that my h and I had so much going for us, similar values (not those other ones, obviously), similar outlook on social issues, similar likes and dislikes. And yet this, which of course is HUGE!
I'm sick for my kids. It's hard to say to them how much I value marriage, and how it is the bedrock of culture, and how I would never walk out on dad, then turn around and tell them I'm filing for d, and then not be able to tell them the extent of why.
I believe in miracles. I believe in a powerful God. But I also believe, like it sounds you do, that people want to turn around and come toward the light.
Susan...it sounds like your husband has a sexual addiction. And it has gone on for a long long time. This is different than simply having an affair or even multiple affairs.
There really isn't anything you can do to help an untreated addict who isn't asking for help. If he comes to his own conclusion about his addiction, then he can seek help but without his own choice to seek it, there is no way help can reach him.
I hope that you can survive all of this, it sounds really horrible.
Does your H have other addiction issues? Gaming, gambling, drinking, drugs, compulsive behaviors like hoarding or excessive exercise? Some addicts have only their one drug/obsession, but most of them will show some addiction tendancies in other areas, too.
Hi DQ, Other people have suggested he has a sexual addiction. Oddly enough, I never noticed it before -- he seemed relatively normal. That's what has me living in disbelief is how well he kept this under wraps.
As for other addictions, oh yes, several. Work is one. He told me very early on that work came first before all else. He didn't want children because they'd interfere with work, then changed his mind. (He is a good, involved dad, and he's also calmer than I.)
He also drinks -- about 4-5 oz of vodka, straight, every day, divided into 3 drinks, one at 3 pm, one 4 pm, the last at 5. He then eats large amounts of ice cream at night, which I explained to him was an addiction to compensate for the sugar low once the alcohol had gone through his system.
I have also always know he is a romance addict -- he'd fallin love with women very easily, fantasize about them, and pursue them for years. After our first crisis 11 years ago, when he confessed to his soulmate love for a woman who didn't want to leave her h and have an affair with him, I realized it was more of the same that he had done earlier. Pursuit of a woman who is unavailable to the point of obsession. What I didn't realize is that the romance addiction had at some point turned into a sexual addiction, probably because we weren't intimate (he wasn't interested, and had performance problems, which someone else suggested may have been because he was involved in a PA).
He, of course, refused to listen when I suggested he had some addiction problems. The drinking was only because he wanted a cigarette; the falling in love was only because I made him so unhappy (hmmm, so why stick around 23 years...). In fact, this leaving right now is partly to convince his family and everyone else that it was me all along, and he was being a good boy for staying for the children, etc. I love his mother dearly, but she and his dad are a big part of the problem, and he is their golden boy, on whom they have pinned all their hopes and expectations.
There are more people out there with these kinds of problems than you can imagine, and therapists who pound the old "you're not getting your needs met" theory aren't doing them any favors. People like my husband have holes so big they never get filled. I waver between feeling sorry for him, and being angry.
Sorry, I've probably rambled on too much about this. The tragedy is, if he would deal with this admittedly huge problem, we had a lot in common and a lot of shared and good history.
Hey cutterbug, I haven't found any other situations like mine, but I know they must be out there. Maybe I'll start perusing the other forums and threads.
-- he seemed relatively normal. That's what has me living in disbelief is how well he kept this under wraps.