H came to see the children and cook supper. Whilst I was busy in the kitchen H chatted to me. I noticed he was wearing a watch which I didn't buy him.
I should have walked away but said 'where's the watch I bought you have you thrown it away. If you have can I have it back for one of our S to wear?' H said he would never do a thing like that and he wears it for work.
When I challenged him about the watch he looked hurt and very sad that I would think he had destroyed it. He could see that I was sad about the fact that he wasn't wearing the watch I had spent ages finding for him.
I realise I shouldn't have said anything and he will probably run for his tunnel now!Unfortunately I am not as emotionally robust as I was before christmas.
Since christmas there seems to have been one surprise after another. Just as I am getting my head around detaching again H seems to come up with something else that rocks my core and manages to get back under my emotional skin.
You have to really make an effort to catch yourself in the act of doing this and shift your thoughts.
You have to take him for who he is right now. Know that he is going to say and do some strange, confusing, and hurtful stuff because he has issues to deal with.
I was there too. I made so many mistakes. For the longest time I took things personal and believed the crap my ex spewed because I didn't understand what she was dealing with.
Give it time and keep learning what this is all about.
Focus on improving you, get out there and try new things or do something you haven't done in ages. Make this about you. Find yourself again.
In time you will grow stronger, more confident, and you will be more at peace with all of this.
I have been reflecting on H visit yesterday to see the children.
I have read and researched lot's on MLC so I like to think I have a grasp what H is going through.
Well I now realise until yesterday I didn't. I know he is sad and depressed, telling lies and deceitful with OW.
But yesterday after watching I realise that his depression is so deep. He is on the verge of tears an awful lot. He is agitated and paces the floor. OW keeps texting him and even that doesn't give him a spark anymore. Normally he would go and text her back immediately. Yesterday it just looked at the message and put it back in his pocket. I know it was her because he told me everything else that came through except that one.
He is in a large black hole where everything is empty, cold, confusing and happiness not obtainable at this time. He tells lies because he still can't face up to his issues but I believe his depression is now getting deeper despite him acting 'as if' when he is here. If you watch him long enough he shows his true colours when he thinks no one is watching. He also drifts off into outerspace and the mothership frequently. During this time he can sit in the middle of all the children and connect with no one and be completley switched off. His mind is in a whirl with no answers but just grabbing at anything to try and stop it (OW)and find happiness and contentment without any luck.
Since christmas has been difficult for me to the point where I felt there was no point in continuing to wait, but I now know it has been more difficult for him. I now realise that although I have to detach from his game and rollercoaster I have to be supportive to him when he needs it. After all the years I have known him I am hopeful that when he looks for support he will see me initially as a friend. My love continues to be unconditional unlike OW who is placing increasingly tighter controls on him.
I will continue to move forward but I am very sad for H. Like me he didn't ask for this crisis it absorbed him.........
Yes it is sad, and I think you have done a good job seeing the anguish your H is in. Don't let it consume you. You don't want to become depressed. I think of the things that you do while you are DB'ing and one of them is to avoid your own MLC and becoming depressed.
I know you are sad for him but don't be sad for you. Be happy and lead him out of his MLC/depression.
Now I know where H is it has clarified a lot for me. Although I thought I was detaching there was still an element of 'why is he doing this to me' which allowed his dance to get to me. Now I know that I must be strong for me and the children and live our lives for us.
H is lost at the moment. I can't help him but will support him if he asks.
I have seen similar things in my H as well, gotten a glimpse into the depth of his depression. It is SOOO hard to see and not be able to do a thing about, but it has helped me to feel sympathy and not just anger at him for the pain he has caused and has helped me to stay kind. For that I am "grateful" that I have seen it.
I feel the same as you about H. It has helped me gain more sanity back for myself as I know he is ill and dealing with his own issues and it has confirmed its nothing to do with me.
Yesterday whilst he was here I threw 3 snowballs at him. The third one finally hit him. He looked at me and said 'oh it's you'
Normally he would have thrown one back and we would have had a great snowball fight! He didn't have the motivation or enthusiasm to participate. I realised at that point that there is no fun in his life at the moment.
Does anyone know whether WAH in MLC are known to take OW to the places where happy holidays have been taken with their spouse previously?
My H went away in Dec with OW to a place where we had a lovely holiday that was special as our eldest was 12 months old and it was her first holiday now he has booked a holiday with OW to a place that has very special memories including our honeymoon.
Is it just a coincidence that their first two holidays together are mirroring some of our best holidays with great memories?
