Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife wants best of both worlds

I think you are moving/living in that more mature love and I think that every opportunity for her to see changes in you and be with the family unit will ultimately get her back.



This is the kind of interaction you read about in the success stories. Granted you initiated but she initiated the visit. The OM is a fact for you, accept it, get over it, and move forward with the business of getting your wife back. If she stops by to say hi, what will OM think?? He is not a priority, he may start to get jealous of the time she is spending with her "family". I can hear him now "Was he (you) there?". It will be hard for you b/c her presence will be like a drug and you will experience withdraw, but that is our burden.
When does she plan to get there? Will it be before dinner? If so, and if the interaction is good between the 4 of you tell her that you and the kids were going out to eat at (whereever), would she like to join you. The answer will be no thank you, of course but she will not expect it.

She still hasn't told the kids about OM right?

I was thinking the same thing with the dinner plan but I was going to force the issue more. She will not be able to make it over until around dinner, so I was going to send her an email letting her know that by the time she would arrive, the kids and I would probably already be out to dinner. I do not want to give her the impression I am sitting around waiting for her. She then could call to find out where we are and come by and say hi. She will likely not do this but at least I am sending the message that my plans are not contigent upon hers. Thoughts?

My W can be very deceptive so I think when we all do spend time together, like on New Years, she is likley not being honest with the OM. She is likely just telling him she spent it with the kids. When I was in my snooping mode trying to discover if there was an A, I caught her sending an email that demonstrates this. We were all at a park for a picnic and she was in a really bad mood. The email she sent when we got home stated she was thinking about him all day and that she had taken the kids to the park, and that he would have such a wonderful time with them. I was not part of the picture. This still hurts and it has been more than a year in a half.

I know I need to accept the OM factor and move on but my competitive nature is making it hard. I think alot about how most A's die out within 6 months and the others before a year. The thing is, I do not perceive their R as an A (I know technicaly it is). They re-united in July when we seperated and when I was foolish and talked about it with her, she mentioned how they were taking things slow. Now they are already doing holliday stuff together with other family members. It just does not sound like an A but rather a real R. I guess he could have been filling the family time void for her during the hollidays.

She still has not told the kids about the OM. I plan to use the family C as leverage to delay the intro if I need to. It is selfish on my part and I am likley just delaying the inevitable but I do want to make sure the kids are in a good place.

I think that is good, and that is very interesting about the email to OM long ago. She is trying to hide you from him and visa versa. This is a good path for you. Get him jealous and make him squirm, he will react and bam their done!!! I like it. As long as she is not telling the kids there must be some doubt in her mind, who knows??? Remember to look your best, nice colonge, etc.

Dwinter,
Why do you let your wife disrespect you? Do you think your going to make her mad if you establish and enforce boundaries? If she does get mad what is she going to do? Leave?

The reason IMHO you were upset is once again your wife steamrolled over one of your boundaries. Its hard to fake happy and you were not happy.

I started reading through you thread and the common thing I see is you trying to play nice and make everything work. When your W needs time away from the kids your available. When she wants to talk about her BF you listen. IS this the relationship you want?

How am I letting my W disrepect me? I do have clear boundaries established and I typically stick to them although, I try to be reasonable as well.

Obviously, this is not the R I want. I do want to remain friendly if at a minimum, for the sake of the kids.

Maybe I misread but did you not say your W was talking to you about OM? And was that not after you told her she could not have both you and OM? I'll admit that I haven't read your entire sitch but that seemed a bit disrespectful.

I brought up the OM when I found out about certain things prior to Christmas. This was a big mistake on my part. Prior, to this however, I had not talked about the OM since late september. My W never brings up the OM becuase she knows how little I think of him, as well as them together.

I still think you have the right approach for tonight. Remember the pic you asked me about, I could get it to you through that same site, did you catch the id in some of the posts? Have you heard from her yet? When is she supposed to get back?

Ok. I understand a bit better now.

MHL, I did pick up on it...looks like there are 12 options. Keep in mind I am no expert with that site. Maybe a pic description?