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I don't think the quote thing correctly. I typed in Word and cut and pasted from it. How to correct this? Anybody? Thanks.

You can either choose the quote button to quote an entire passage or you can begin the portion you want to quote with quote in [] and end your passage with /quote in []. Make sense?

Tango - I've gotta ask - what nationality are you? Sometimes culture can play a part in these domestic situations and I'm wondering about yours. And is your W the same nationality/ethnic background?

Greek

Thanks, Greek.

Wow. What did make you asking this question? Probably from my writing:-). W and I are both Vietnamese. I came here in 1990. W was a year behind.

Tango, you will be hearing things from some of us that will be hard to take, but please understand that we want to help you, okay?



First of all, based on what you have said about the only time your W has shown much mothering to the children has been since the A started......then I believe it is b/c the lawyer has told her that she needs to "show" it more in case she files for custody. It doesn't make sense, but people who are in A's are not logical and if she plans to leave and file for D, she doesn't want somebody thinking she is "bad" mother.....(go figure). But, she seems to have you thinking that she is better mother....now. BTW, carring a baby in a womb does not make a person a good parent. I think a lot of fathers have proven they are capable of providing good homes, etc. for their children. I understand you not wanting to break up the family....and no child deserves that....but you cannot allow this conduct to be played out in front of the children. They see mama & daddy sleeping together and yet mama takes them to be with OM and his mother? Don't you think that causes a lot of confusion for them? They need to see a firm boundary set in their home for them and their mother. They need to see their father as a strong leader in their family. They need a solid foundation in their lives. You must be that foundation.

You are still refering to the A as an EA, and you are still having sex with your W. This is hard for me to understand, but some couples do that. My concern is that you will contact a STD. You must realize that she is sleeping with OM. Do you really think this lawyer would invest this much time & into her life if he was not getting sexual favors in return? Sorry to say that, but as long as you refuse to believe she is doing it, then I think she will control "you" as long as you get sex with her 2/3 times a week. That is where your weakness lies.....and she knows it and will use that as her leverage to get her way.

Being a soft man at this time is not the way to deal with a WAW in an A. She must see you standing strong & proud. You protect your finances and you protect your children. You don't protect them by trying to convince yourself that she is a good mother since starting EA.

Is the lawyer from a differnt nationality or the same? I still believe your best avenue to take with busting the A will be through his mother. But, you must not go to her begging and pleading for her to have her lawyer son stop his A with your W. You need to tell her that her son is having an A with a M woman with children and if it does not stop....the news of his behavior with clients will hurt his reputation and business. I think "mama" will have more influence over lawyer than anyone. I bet mama still pulls the strings.

The reaon I asked about exposing the A at your W's business......I did not know what type of business she was in, or if she had a boss or if there was a human resource office. But if it is "her" business and she runs it, then then that may be a blocked avenue......IDK. Just trying to think of options.

I know you do not want MIL hurt from exposing the A, but she is already hurting and this A needs to stop now. Wait until we can discuss boundaries, etc. before you decide to take any extreme action. I have to leave for a little while, but will get back with you shortly. I hope some others will come in to help you with what to do.

Absolutely understood.




I should have thought as an outsider looking into my situation. I’m locking up to my subjected views and don’t dig deeper or expand them to have a better understanding the logic. Your thoughts have made a lot of senses. No wonder why too many people have cried for your helps.



Yes, she does make me feel that way.



Now is more than ever.



Based on a couple of things and my guts, I don’t feel that way. But everything is possible. The hardly truths have to be dealt with.




I think you will yell at me if I admit that I’m pretty much a starter.



She will see it and realizes who I am really.



He’s different.




I’m with you 100% on this. I have started researching on some public record web sites such as intelius.com to get some info related to the OM’s family.

Don’t know anybody else has any recommendation. Please advise.



I have thought about going to this route. We are living in a very closed-knitted community. Saving face is a big deal to some of people. I have a list of who I should call and could be a nuclear bomb to my PILs and W. However, it looks like more of me taking revenge to them and could do more harm than good. W can become the worst enemy instead of a co-partner in raising our kids. The damage of exposing W’s A could be well last to my kids’ generation. If I don’t care about her coming back, I’ll go to this route. I’m thinking here.



I’m planning to tell my wife about the 2-week notice of ending her A if she goes out tonight or tomorrow to celebrate New Year. I thought that could be a good time. However, I should wait to have more info in place as you said, so I can pour on W as many cold-water buckets as I can. I need to be patience.

Thanks, Sandi and other for taking time to feed me with supports and advices. This is more than I could ask for.

Thanks, GIMA

I left a message for my att. I also have a few friend lawyers to ask what I can go about exposing this. I can picture that facts should be a key here before my state bar asso. can begin its investigation. Is it correct?

Ahhh, very wise. Some have success with People Search. My H claimed he found information about the OM I had an EA with and it did not cost him anything. I have never figured out how he did that on the computer. He said he may tell me some day. I tried to do it but would only get an address and then had to pay a fee for more.

About the exposure of the A and your family and in-laws.......you know the beliefs and traditions of your people. Do the right thing and not just what you think "we" want you to do. I appreciate your trust, but I would not bring harm upon your children or anyone else. I used to be very much against exposure b/c I had been the WAW and I once saw it as "revenge". It took almost two years before I began to change my mind about it.

It is a most painful thing for everyone involved (except for the OM). If OM has nothing to lose, then it is worth nothing.

I suppose you have your reasons for believing your W is not having sex with OM, but it is hard to think he would stay in an EA and see her several times a week and no sex. You need to see if you can do without sleeping with her before you give her a two-weeks notice.

Anyway, continue to get as much information & evidence as you can about the A. Have you thought about having somebody to follow your W on New Year's Eve to take pictures of her with OM?

I have not been snooping on my wife since the A. What I've known is from talking to a girl friend of hers and a few texted flirting messages and e-mails to the OM and her other friends. My wife has been suspected that I snoop on her. She's wrong. Should I hire a private investigator now?



This I can absolutely do.

Thank you.

Wish you and your family and everybody here a Happy New Year.

I don't think you should take her GF's word only. I am always suspicious of a woman who tells this stuff on her "friend". Women are very different about friendship than men are. Why would her friend tell you all of this? I thought you had other proof that W was contacting OM.

If you can afford a PI to follow her...to know for sure about A, then maybe you want to consider it. All of that has to be your decision to make. What would you do if the PI confirmed the A? Would that be a dealbreaker for the M?

All:

W did come home at 7:30 PM last night after stopped by a supermarket, so she didn't come to a New Year Eve party as guessed.

We have not slept in the same bed for 2 days.

I went to a gym this morning and came back at 10:15 AM. Said Happy New Year to W with a smiling face. She said Happy New Year back to me too. Since then, I kept myself busy with kids and my things and didn't talk to her that much. Remember I'm working on detachment and have given her space. She left house at 4:30 PM with D9 to her shop to fix our bed lining. I bet she'll meet up with OM because he just called her. Our home number is her business number, so she always forwards our home phone to her cell phone. I'll tell her about the 2-week notice tonight unless someone else thinks differently. I was about to tell her before her leaving this afternoon, but didn’t because I think the timing wasn’t quite right (note: she told me twice about D and the paper is ready for me to sign). If I tell her tonight, I think I may need to find someplace to sleep to avoid any confrontation?

This is what I’m going to tell her:

“W,

I know you are unhappy in our relationship. I’m willing to work on M. However, you need to end your A within 2 weeks. If not, I will pack all your belongings and put them in the font yard and you need to move out.”

Our house is a townhouse. The basement and garage are under the ground. I plan to buy a big tent to set it up in the font yard and have her stuff in there.

My second step is working on busting the A. Still find way to get a number of OM’s mama. I have thought about OM’s ex-wife. A little bit about her is that she used to work for him as a paralegal assistant. She was divorced before with her two owned Ds. The OM and his ex adopted a son. My wife was asked for a couple of time going with OM to pick up the adopted son with the OM before the A when they were still client relationship. He represented W in a personal injury case and he was also W’s customer. He just wanted to show off his ex. If his ex knows her ex’s adultery relationship she could spread out to someone they both have known. Is it possible?

Just have a quick question:

Should I need to check her e-mail or messages to get more info? I have stopped two months ago because of thinking that the lesser I know the better.

Thank you.