There's no crisis. I'm never going to drink. I don't need to. This will definitely be the focus of C, the next appt being tomorrow. What I need to do is control my self-loathing so that I can be of some benefit to STBX and daughters. I have no ego at this point and feel all the pain I've gone through is the result of my petulant, vapid delusion that I somehow deserved love and attention without having to return that love and attention. While I've figured this out, I can't take back the damage.
Histrionics, perhaps, but I feel stripped of any value or goodness. I would not forgive anyone else who hurt the woman I love. I can't fix this or even comfort her. Apologies are useless, though I have apologized. The sheer impotence will take some time to get used to and to recover from. But my concern is not for me.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Those are a lot of fancy words for... "I f'd up... Not sure how to fix it... How about some patience and understanding here?" Do you talk like this, too? Just wondering because you may be flowering your thoughts/speech too much to really just get to the root of what the problem(s) are...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There's no crisis. I'm never going to drink. I don't need to.
That's not what you say here:
Originally Posted By: TooLateForMe
I don't even drink that much. When I do, it's a lot. It's really rare.
Binge drinking is still dangerous, for you and the people around you.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It is good that you realize what you've done because that's the beginning of becoming someone other than who you WERE. Now get some help and support if you're serious about this.
If you believe in God, ask for forgiveness, turn from your ways and forgive yourself. The past can't be changed but you sure can affect the present and the future.
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
It came out that I raped her one night after I had blacked out. I don't remember this and she always thought I had. When the full force of this I promised to sign the D papers at the end of Feb to give me time to absorb this.
Rape is a TRAUMATIC event. If this really happened (and I'm not calling her a liar) then there is NO WAY IN HAL she would have remarried you... not unless she is a nutjob.
You said this came out during:
Quote:
Her anger was hard and sharp and I couldn't even understand where it was coming from. She came at me with all the old stuff, which I agreed with.
That's called spew. I'd chalk up her accusation to that as well. She was reacting to her anger and looking for ways to hurt you. Guess what? She did. My guess is because you agreed to the D, she has lost the axe she's been holding to your head.
OK, you weren't an angel in this whole ordeal. You know that, but you're owning it and working on it.
I don't know why, but I'm getting the distinct feeling that there is someone else in the picture. Maybe someone she met on one of her nights about town. If this is true, would that explain her behavior?
I'm don't think I can provide more feedback on this, but I'll try keep up with your thread and pass on some tactical advice when I can. Just keep working on yourself for yourself.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I do believe her. It's not likely she's lying. She gave a detailed enough account. She doesn't like talking about it, but she has been and it has led to a closeness we haven't had since this began. There's no hope for the M, and I have doubts about a close friendship.
She says she pushed it down, but it does make me concerned that she did remarry me.
How could I even find out if it's a lie? Wouldn't it be best to trust her account until I have real evidence otherwise?
There are dozens of circumstantial things that would support either. Moving out of the bedroom shortly after this, calling cops during an argument (she's always been the only one in arguments to ever get physical), and a creeping suspicion since then that something strange stood between us that I didn't know about.
She took me back after the D, begged me to come back after the last separation, continued to have sex w/ me and recently complained one of her biggest problems was a LACK of sex.
I've probed the OM idea w/ her but until the hostility of the other night she wouldn't take the bait. That's the least of my worries right now.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Something doesn't sound right to me here. I can't pinpoint anything, but it sounds like she needs some help too. I am not a counselor or therapist by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems to me that there are possibly some things from her childhood that are eating at her subconscious. Just a thought, but she could use some IC.
