Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wondering if I should be here

Hopingbeyondhope, I don't post here as much as I once did and which our situations have some differences, there is enough similarity for me to put in my $.02 and you can take if for what its worth.

I went the "friendship" route and it is not something I would recommend to ANYONE! I wish now I would have taken the advice given to me way back when by many people, Puppy included. I can honestly say that if I had it to do all over again, I would have cut my H off cold-turkey in the beginning and probably would have saved myself untold hours of crying, IC & so much less pain. I tried to and succeeded in being a friend to someone who did not deserve my friendship, let alone my common courtesy, but I did it anyway for the same reasons you are citing.

I won't bore you with all the gory details, you can read my signature and look up my old posts, but it got REALLY ugly for a long time. I truly believe that my "friendship" was a HUGE enabler for this doomed R to continue as long as it did. Take it from me, and I speak from experience, save yourself the grief and gut-wrenching pain and do not be her friend, because she is not being yours. I can also tell you that for me, being a friend and knowing what I know (way more than I should have as a wife) has created problems for me. Its much easier to forgive things that you DON'T know vs. the things you do. It has created resentment and I think our recovery will be harder and slower BECAUSE of my insistence on being his "friend."

In the end you have to do whatever is in your heart, but this is an extremely painful and mind-numbing path so think long and hard before you start down it. Again, if I could do it again, I wouldn't have been mean to H, just set and stuck to better boundaries and loved myself enough to keep my distance. Inside I think I always felt that if I wasn't a friend that he would see that as me not "loving" him or OW winning. Now I know it would have been me loving me and him enough to put a stop to it.

Good luck and I'll check back in soon.

I will put it even much more simply:

Affairs are a BETRAYAL -- some would say, the ULTIMATE betrayal, because it comes from someone who took a vow before God and all your friends and family to forsake all others for you.

Would a true friend betray you, and be unrepentant about it? Would you want to "preserve the friendship," and be "amicable" with such a person?

Civil, yes. Amicable -- sure, I can see amicable. But a FRIEND? Unh-uh . . . friends don't do that to you, I'm sorry.

Puppy

I completely agree with Puppy and S&S, the friends thing just doesn't work.

I tried it with my W and two things happened - 1) she kicked me in the the every opportunity she got (including not even telling me when OM moved in) so the 'friendship' was all one way (just the way WAS's like it) 2) it destroyed me slowly.

If you are friends with a WAS then it gives them a few benefits - they have two men / women chasing them and who love them (who wouldn't want that), let's them normalise, let's them convince themselves that you are okay with their betrayal and they get their cake and eat it.

If you are friends with a WAS it gives you false hope, torture, pain, depression, etc. etc.

Your job at this point is one thing and one thing only - save yourself. You CANNOT save your M if you are a broken man. Save yourself. Worry about W later on.

But saving yourself doesn't mean be a jerk - it means doing what is best for you. As Puppy said you can be civil, amicable, even upbeat and happy. You cannot be their friend. That doesn't work.

Just my 2p worth.

Thank you S&S, PDT, P17 for your comments and I appreciate the $.02 as well as the 2x4. I have considered what was said and have come around to this understanding. I absolutely agree that a EA/PA is such an act of betrayal that no LBS should allow the act to go without consequences, let alone a free pass and cake-eating to boot. Regardless of what issues we were having at the time nothing would excuse or rationalize such a thing. I have always felt this way but also felt guilty for some of the things that I have done that led up to this that I allowed that guilt to cloud what should be easily recognized I thank all of you for your suport.

Now I will add that W has appologized a couple of times for what happened but she still continues the EA. I'm certian that if they were closer in proximity that it would have escelated to a PA by now. I have all ready granted forgiveness for what she has done and trying to decide how I should carry on from here. I realize the importance of being amicable and friendly but how do we seperate that from being friends - where do we draw those boundries?

Last night I had kids over for a short while W was taking some "me" time. It is really a mutually beneficial argangement. When she picked the kids up I gave her back all of the old letter and cards she gave me when we first started seeing each other 15 yrs ago. She seemed a liitle surprised and asked " You don't want them anymore?" I said no - didn't need them any longer and in a very (none emotional way)- said she could do what ever she wanted with them. She then acted a little aloof and said -ok. I mentioned that there was a letter I wrote 15 years ago that I never sent to her and she could have that too.
As were were finishing up I mentioned I was going to be watching Hangover now that the kids were gone and she said that the movie was funny and that when I finished watching it to text her - did not matter what time she would be up.
I am happy to say I didn't.
Wow sorry for the lenghthy reply.
Welcome any further comments and insights.

good job being unemotional while returning the sentimental items
AND not texting her after the movie!!!

What did she apologise for?

If I am stabbing you with a knife while saying 'sorry' does that make you feel better? What's the point?



But she is STILL doing it! I can understand how you could accept the sitch and then forgive her for it but you don't sound like you have accepted it so how can you forgive her?



Treat her like a stranger - be amicable and civil.



That just sounded a little childish if I'm honest. A little petty. She also knew she had gotten to you. Never let them see they are getting to you.

Much better to pack it all up into a box and put it away somewhere. Maybe in the future give her the box with everything in it and let her decide. But giving her the things she gave you from 15 years ago back just looks petty.

Remember those things are sentimental / important to YOU, not to her.



EXCELLENT!



If you want to see LENGTHY replies, go to my thread!

Thanks for the support.

ylol! yeah I've seen som eof them.

She apologised for crossing the line with OM but continues to do it? Eh?

If she keeps apologising then she is releiving her own guilt - she seems to wait until it builds up enough that she has to 'apologise' to relieve it - then the guilt tank empties and she starts again.

This is complete BS though. To be TRULY sorry for something you have done you need to recognise it's wrong and stop doing it. Anything else is cr*p.



I complete understand what you are saying. But you can't forgive somebody because it's the bigger thing to do. You can only forgive somebody if you forgive them, IYSWIM.

Forgiveness is done for us. Not for them. It gives us peace.



I understand why you did it. To me, it wouldn't have had that effect.

You don't need symbols to let somebody go. You do it through your actions, your attitude and the change in your relationship with them.

>>I understand why you did it. To me, it wouldn't have had that effect.

You don't need symbols to let somebody go. You do it through your actions, your attitude and the change in your relationship with them.>>

I see what you mean. For me it felt like something I had to do. To cleanse away all of this to re-inforce within me the decisions I have been building towards since this all started. I agree and the actions and attitudes are what we all strive to work on and change. Its probably one of the reasons we come to this board.

I appreciate the 2x4.

I had stepped away from this board for because I had basically made up my mind at one point that the M was over and I was going to move forward with my life. I had a right to be happy and to be loved by somone that knows and understands what that means. I stopped DB'ing in the sense that my actions were no longer motivated by - (trying to get W back) but instead focused on how do I rebulild my life? - what do I want out of life? - what is going to make me happy? I wanted to put the ugliness behind me and took a stance that maybe-just maybe all of this happened for a reason. That I would be the 'better' person - forgive and forget - allow only postive thinking and and postive things would happen for me. So what if my W did this to us and our family that is her choice and she has to live with it and the consequences - I would come away stronger and with a free concience - would she be able to do the same?
Maybe this means she really isn't the person I should be with- after all who would want someone that could do that?
The very act of betrayal sort of alters the whole common values thing? I mean seriously if you met somone that you were interested in and found out they were capable of cheating would you continue to see them?

Anyway this was the direction I had been moving in. However, the more I did this the more the W noticed and made small comments about it.(Still didn't change her bahavior or the sitch)but it felt good not feeling angry or obsessed by all of this anymore (still does)but I also knew deep down that I would save my M and my family if opportunity allowed. So I wanted to get some feedback on the path I am treading. Wondering if I was making the right choice to essentially 'withdraw the troops and retire from the field'.

I will still have deal with all the same emoptions no matter what I choose but the path I choose can impact how I deal with those emotions and what actions might be most productive.(still cycling through this too like the rest of us all - but I feel so much stronger than when this started - I guess this is akin to dropping the rope).

So when the faint glimmers of the non-Dbing Dbing showed some results I came here to seek some solid advice from some very wise and experienced people. I think that in alot of ways I've answered my own inner questions (I'm kind of journaling at this point)-sorry I'll reflect on this a bit I think.