Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again One day at a time....

Rocked, saw your post on H4U's thread and wanted to respond here so not to TJ


Trust your gut, but verify. When BF said he wanted to reconcile and he was completely done with OW it was true for the most part. (I insisted on no contact and he did go see her to break things off and didn't tell me about it.) While I continue to check his email and phone history there has not been any contact since I sent his no contact letter in late April. I told him that I understood if it was difficult for him to let her go and he swore to me that it wasn't, he was done and didn't think about her anymore. I had a hard time believing him but think I've reached that point now. Seems like I'm the one having a hard time letting her go when I allow thoughts of them together to interrupt our life together. But I know that will pass with time.

So just saying that your H may not be going through OW withdrawl, not everyone does.

You're right, the work still needs to be done to figure out how he got to that place and what both of you can do to make the M stronger. IC, MC and continued reading will all help.

I recommend ATA so much because while he may be working on his own issues in IC, you need him to understand what you're going through right now too. That part can't wait until he's done with his own stuff, it's happening now and should be dealt with concurrently. You're handling things very well, but sometimes it just helps if he can get the information from an outside source because it lends more credibility.

It seems my H is done too. He keeps saying he over and done and has no contact with her and that he doesnt miss her. Since last year we went thru a fake reconciliation process, I assume that was the time when he was going back and forth till he got over her. I cant see any other explanation than that he went thru that phase while I was still in the dark about her.

And I too, find it hard to let her go. Sometimes he looks at me as if I am crazy when I talk about her as if "wtf are you talking about? She is loooong gone". I hope it is true.
K

Thanks Pearl and Kalni,

One of the reasons I think I am getting the truth now is that my H has been very honest about his thoughts and feelings... almost too honest. I need to tell him sometimes it is too much, too painful for me to hear. He is honest that he is definitely done with her in his thoughts, but he does admit to missing her. And, I do understand that. He thought he was in love. Now, he looks at it, and can see it wasn't that at all. He is the one who has told me that. The longer he goes without contact, the more the fog seems to be lifting, and the more he is starting to see me with new eyes. I can see all of that happening. I am choosing to focus on that, but I know I still need to verify. And, I am doing that.

In the meantime, tried to take a nap while having the house to myself. No luck. I really do hope I can get back to regular sleep patterns soon, this has been going on since April and my body is just plain ol' exhausted!

But, now I am going to clean the house, which will make me feel better, and is one of H's LL's (AOS).

trying to find some motivation... too bad you can't buy that with a smokin' hot pair of shoes....lol

Rockedworld,
I wish my H was TOO honest with me. Not knowing what he is thinking about makes me nervous. I would be careful not to spook him. I understand how painful that is to you but are you sure you want him to stop sharing?
K

Just wanted to say Hi RW, you are doing so well, and trying so hard to be understanding, but dont beat yourself up because youre not understanding quick enough for H.. However hard it is for him he needs to give you time, as long as every thing you do does not look like a revenge tactic, I have made the mistake in the past of getting my 4c's worth after an argument and now I wouldnt dream off as I know how hurtful that has been to H!

Rocked, have you seen your doctor about the sleep issue? I can't remember. I love my Ambien prescription. I only used it for a week or so last January when it was the worst, then I got back on track. But I do take one from time to time when I can't sleep (I've always had sleep problems). Just saying that it's better to get help and get it taken care of sooner rather than later. My BFF's mom has had severe insomnia since July (no discernable reason). She refused to take any meds for several months and now she's so worked up about not sleeping that the meds don't work.

At least you're getting the house cleaned! I have all the free time in the world and just can't get motivated to clean. Need to take the tree down today and I still haven't started. Ugh. If it will help, do put on a cute pair of pumps. Remember Mrs. Cleaver was always wearing heels and pearls. Not practical, I know, but dressing up always lifts my spirits.

Hi Kalni,

Oh no... I don't want to stop him from sharing at all! I know he knows that... we talk often. But, there are times when he starts to go into too much detail that is not necessary to what we are discussing. It hurts too much. I want to hear his thoughts and feelings, I want us to process this together. That is what we are doing. I don't want to hear too much detail about OW and their R. There is only so much I can take. Don't get me wrong... I would rather have it this way than him not talking or sharing much at all.

Rabbit.. thanks for the encouragement. I know that is true, and I have to remind him sometimes of that. But, usually he seems to be able to hear it when I do that.

Hi RDW. Perhaps you could go on the path. 1 to 2 hours a week. Any questions you ask. Are answered. Then when you get around this... Stretch out the weeks.

And make sure that he understands that you just want the question answered no more. You are a border guard. Or a cop. So please do not say anything more than answer the exact question that was asked.

ANd each time this session is done. You both go for a walk. Hold hands. And just walk in silence. And each time he looks at you. Just smile. Say nothing.

And when the the walk is done. Kiss him. And tell him thank you.
Then leave it at that.

If he asks what for. just wink.

Start building some mystery....

Rocked, Wanted to share something I read online that has helped me quite a bit. Don't think I can post a link, but if you go copy and paste this you should be able to get there.

http://media.harboringhope.com.s3.amazonaws.com/About_Trust.pdf

When the time is right, I plan on sharing with W also. I feel like we're pretty much getting there, but there are a few things she could do to get us over that last hurdle and if she reads this, maybe it'll help her see things from my POV and not so much how this has all affected her.

Hope it helps.

How are things going RW?