"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Sounds like you're back onto fully retaining...I have a feeling 2010 is going to be a successful one in part due to the commitment to your list.
"2. Pitch and close a deal on the Great American Divorce Book (AKA, The Misadventures of Smiley's Person)"
My neighbor, Cheri Arterburn, wrote a book, 'The Perfect Divorce', a few years ago along similar lines about her D. It was published by BCC Publishing. Might be worth pitching them, it's my bet they would be interested.
One thing that concerns me is the potential for collateral damage to Themselves from the almost inevitable collapse that will ensue when the reality of what the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs.-SP has done hits her (though that begs the question, I suppose, as to whether or not it ever will hit her).
She has sent them 3 e-mails and 1 picture from her African getaway, being gone 11 days now. She will still be in Africa (or southern Europe, can't keep it all straight) through the weekend, missing D7's birthday. This is something that really bothers the Girl-Child -- she's brought it up repeatedly in the past few days. She even asked if I'd ever missed one of her brother's birthdays for a trip. Yet these e-mails she sends are full of effusive "how's my wonderful beautiful beloved daughter / awesome smart handsome great son" type B.S.
I never wanted to question her commitment to her motherhood, but it's getting harder and harder not to do that. Every time she's taken one of these trips -- at least ever since the Boy-Child was born these 11 years ago -- it's been "oh my God it was so great being free, I have to be free, my freedom is so precious, I could have stayed another month, blah-blah-blah," which as husband I'd always tried to ignore or put in some kind of positive frame. When I called her out once (3 or 4 years ago) for being gone 2 weeks without a single phone call, her "explanation" ran something like this: "How do you not understand this? When I'm on a trip I don't think about you. I don't think about the kids. I don't think about the house. I'm free! Don't you get that! I don't want any reminders!"
So okay, when you love your spouse you excuse a lot. But now? I'm not so sure that, in fact, she is all that committed to being a mother. My mother asked me the other day why I don't just move to Big Midwestern City? Well, because the kids have visitation with their mother. Mom's reply? Give it a year, she'll gladly let you take them away.
Once upon a time, I would have defended her against something like that.
Now I'm not so sure it isn't essentially correct. I think a lot of this "I love the children" stuff she spouts to her friends is a cover, because her Divorced Woman Friends are all also mothers -- who took the children with them. I don't believe they're going to get it that she can walkaway from Themselves quite so readily, and that one night she'll wake up alone in her house, with no one at the other end of the phone or the e-mail and her friends distancing themselves, and she's going to have a nervous breakdown.
From my POV, that's just swell, and I'm sure I'll take no small amount of not-so-secret delight in it. But I am already trying to prepare myself for the worst vis-a-vis the children -- they clearly feel abandoned by her, and I suspect it's going to get worse before it gets better.
Now @Gypsy always tells me that this kind of thing isn't my concern. I can't agree -- everything that impacts the children for whom I am largely responsible is my concern. The soon-to-be-ex-Mrs.-SP could have a nervous breakdown every day of the week and twice on Sunday, and I would give a rat's ass. But the spillover is problematic -- she's already talked some smack to the kids about me ("don't you know I have to pay your Dad a lot of money just to be free?").
That's going to be put an end to, but her behavior since D-Day has shown at least 4 times that she's not able to keep the children insulated from the Adult World (she said of a friend with whom she'd had a fallout, and whose children are close to ours, "that lady wants to get your Dad a girlfriend! What do you think about that?").
As it should be, my concern is the children; as it usually is, hers is....her.
It's not your concern. Whoa, there, cowboy. Let me explain.
Of course it is your concern, in that whatever impacts themselves impacts you, and naturally being a wonderful dad you want to lessen the impact as much as possible. Spin it how you want, doubtless they do and are going to feel rejected by Her.
It's not your concern in that you can't do a blessed thing about it. No, really. You can't. You, the father, can't soften the blow of ... let's call it insufficient engagement, to be generous ... on the part of the mother. If you push her on it, likely it will just get added on to the big pile of things to be power-struggley about.
As far as I can imagine, all you can do is (1) Be There, (2) reassure Themselves that you will continue to Be There, and (3) give them as much exposure as possible to nurturing extended family (esp. female members, perhaps) as geographically possible.
A friend on my other site talks a lot about the near-suicidal perils of attempting to assume responsibility in areas where you can muster no authority. I think it's sage advice.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I never wanted to question her commitment to her motherhood, but it's getting harder and harder not to do that. Every time she's taken one of these trips -- at least ever since the Boy-Child was born these 11 years ago -- it's been "oh my God it was so great being free, I have to be free, my freedom is so precious, I could have stayed another month, blah-blah-blah," which as husband I'd always tried to ignore or put in some kind of positive frame. When I called her out once (3 or 4 years ago) for being gone 2 weeks without a single phone call, her "explanation" ran something like this: "How do you not understand this? When I'm on a trip I don't think about you. I don't think about the kids. I don't think about the house. I'm free! Don't you get that! I don't want any reminders!"
OMG, I think that is just horrific. I cannot even begin to articulate how much this disgusts me.
I do think your mother is correct as to what's going to eventually happen. I think you will end up with full custody of your children, and I think that will be a GOOD thing.
As a mom, who has travelled perhaps 4 times for business since D13 was born--I cannot fathom feeling this way, and especially saying something like this. Heinous.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
