Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? My new life

Retro is my way of bringing closure to this R. I see no way this M will ever survive. We past that point years ago. Its a shame W was not willing to put half as much into this as I have over the past year and a half. Now its back to cat and mouse with Mrs. Bart trying to be the cat. I'm not willing to be the mouse any more. She can have all her control but she can't have me. Every time I give her some room in my heart she makes a mess. Sorry to say I'm closing that door.

So I will spend my $450 and my weekend on retro and again I will place my heart on the table to be squashed. I'll come out the day after and finalize the D. The comedy will be over.

Been down the last couple of days but I'm better now. Woke this morning with a feeling of frustration. Not at W but at myself for not changing fast enough. Need to cut myself some slack I guess.

Little more than three weeks left to retro and I'm not sure what to do. Ready2Change suggested I continue to work on myself - good idea!

Been reading the boundaries book by cloud and townsend among other things. Very good book. Kind of led me to an epiphany of sorts. One of the things I've been trying to do for a long time is to fix my (our) R. In doing this I've failed to allow my W to "enjoy" the benefits of her decision to live her life away from our family. There are consequences to actions and she has not felt them because I have not allowed her to reap what she has sown.

Additionally, by my actions of not letting go I have shifted the focus. Kind of like an idiot screaming in a move theater I became the focus instead of the main attraction.

I'm also learning were I have failed to respect boundaries of other people. I can be a steam roller when it comes to getting my own way. Guess that's another area to work on. Always painful to read about negative traits I guess.

Meeting with IC tomorrow. Going to have a heart to heart. Not sure she is meeting my needs anymore. May be time to move on to someone new. I kind of need someone to keep me on task and club my with a 2x4 every now and again. Kind of like my personal trainer at the gym.

Well enough rambling for me.

Quick note. W called on way to work yesterday to discuss schedule over the next week. She ended up going off on a tangent about other things. Interesting point is I could tell she was in a bad mood. Combination of things that are not that important. What was important was she recognized her bad mood, apologized and then excused herself from the conversation. She took full responsibility for herself and made sure I knew that I was not the reason for her mood. That is a big change.

That sounds like a positive change C-Bart. I know that people typically have a hard time stepping up and admitting that they are in a bad mood and then appoligizing for their behavior. I think it is esp. hard to do it towards the people that mean the most to you.

You would think that most people would step up and admit and appoligize to the people that mean the most vs. others. However, most people probably think that they can get away with more when it is with the people that care about the most. I know that I feel into that situation in my R/M and something I look back on and regret.

I can't change what happened in the past but I can focus on being a better person in the future.

Eventually you will get to a point where you say I'm in a bad place today and it has nothing to do with my spouse. That thought will be followed by something along the lines of this isn't about her/him anymore, its about me. Its about how can I take this negative and turn it into a positive. How can I continue to grow from this experience? You can't fake this. You can GAL all you want but eventually you will have to face your demons one on one.

Today I am thankful for my WAS. Her actions allowed me to enter into the greatest growth period of my life.

I agree 100% with you C-Bart. I actually thanked my W at the start of my sitch for the wakeup call which has allowed me to also enter the greatest growth period of my life.

We all would have rather had our S say the M wasn't working so that together we could work on the R/M. However, based on the majority of sitchs I have read one S goes out of the M and has an A.

If I could have one wish granted it would be that the A never happened but everything else did because I am so thankful for the wakeup call. I have been a better Dad and a better person because of this.

The great thing about this community is it help us to face and prepare for those demons. I have a couple more on the way.

C-bart, when is the retro? That gives me hope for your sitch but who knows what it going on in the mind of Mrs. Fog-land, aka Mrs. Bart. I am going through the D process in MO as well, but we haven taken a compltetely different approach..interesting how this stuff plays out.

Do you keep a journal to track changes in your W's behavior? I use to, I found it was a good way to keep a perspective on things, as well a good vehicle to vent.

Retro is first week of Feb.

I haven't kept a journal but her behavior is very predictable. Runs in cycles between four distinct types. Type one - happy and feeling this is the best thing ever (don't see this very often anymore). Type two - angry and distant. Type three - friendly conversant, but still distant. Type four - sad, depressed, avoidance.

It depends on the day. The more I move away the more she pursues (type three). If I move towards her she moves back.

I think the emotional cycle your W is experiencing is a good thing, at least relative to my sitch. Your W is struggling, which might mean there are some doubts.

My W is pleasant, distant and determined. That's it. She is focused on her new life with the OM and could care less how it is effecting me. Some of her family is even supporting her. I guess they have too, she is family and they want her to be happy.

Took my W 6-8 months to show any signs of emotion other than the pleasant, distant and determined mindset you are seeing.