Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help w MLC / WAW... Jack 3 Beans?

Bradley.
You've got a lot on your plate. But you obviously are intelligent and can learn alot through this journey you've been taken on..if you're willing to go the long, time-consuming distance.

That your wife felt abandoned by her father and then by you..its going to take consistent action on your part to make her feel that you won't cut and run when this journey gets tough or tiresome. So make sure you are in it for the long haul. Make sure if there are things to be forgiven down the road that you can truly forgive.

You've got the mighty triumvirate of wisdom (J3B, Mach and Trapt) sharing, as well as others...Do what keeps your wife coming closer,avoid what pushes her away...validate, focus on the kids, being the best damn friend/husband(and father) you can be and stay compassionate rather than angry when things don't go your way...

Hang in there! We're all here to help each other.

Ok so everyone was right.

the guy that I thought she was close with -- I looked at the phone bill and there are hundreds and hundreds of texts...

she said she was glad because now she doesn't have to hide it, that he is "just a friend" actually her "best friend" now...

reminder again that she is 4 hours away in another town...

ugly conversations last night, all the same about how I NEVER respected, loved, or cared for her in the 10 years that we were together, never wanted to be with the boys, never never never...

reaching rock bottom soon I imagine.

what next?

Bradley,

You really do have the best of the best posting to you right now. From the male perspective anyway.

Ok so there is an A. EA/PA In my mind, it really doesn’t matter which. The question is how are you dealing with it?

With MLC, you can’t threaten or beg and plead your way out of it. You just have to live through it and do what you need to do for yourself and maybe your marriage down the road. Most of us have been there and know the struggle you are facing right now.

As for rock bottom…

I hate to say this but if you are looking for that to happen anytime soon, or you think you can “predict” when that will happen for her, what will cause it, you are just setting yourself up for a hard fall.

Rock bottom, for the MLCer, comes when it comes, and is usually not in any way that we would expect it but it is one of the hardest things they will deal with when and if it happens. Because it is after that that they start to look at all of the damage they have done, to themselves, their lives, and others.

This is not something I share often, but many many years ago, I went through a life crisis, not MLC but very similar in actions and emotions. I remember my rock bottom moment like it was yesterday. Most of them do. It is just sort of an awakening that happens and then the hard work has to begin. For me, it was a song that just triggered that awakening. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Even worse than my H’s unresolved MLC, this second resurfacing, and all that has gone with it.

Take this time. Look in your mirror. As for work, if the job near your boys is better for you, and obviously it will be better for them because you won’t be four hours away, then take it. Not for your W, not for your M, but for you and your kids.

Is this MLC, I don’t know. Only she can really say that and she won’t for a long time to come.

This is a monster. It is something that is completely unpredictable and irrational. It is a long road, not something that happens overnight.

The desire may be to save your M, but the goal should be to save yourself. We all go through this for a reason, no matter which side of it we are on, and we all have lessons to learn and work to do. Do the work. You won’t be sorry.

I'm really sorry for what is happening. Most of them who bail have someone waiting for them.



Don't buy it. From here on out mention nothing about this loser to her. She will defend him and you will push her further away from you and closer to him. If/when you address this keep it all about HER not him, he is nothing more than a symptom.




Why of course.....She needs some justification for her poor choices. It is up to you to listen to what she says and determine if it is valid or not. Sift through the trash so to speak.



Not a chance.

This is going to take some time my friend. Lots of it.



You have to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. This will throw your emotions up, down and all around. You need to stay even keeled.

First you realize you have no control over her, so to focus on all her crazy confusing antics will serve no purpose.

You let her go completely and you don't do it in an "F you" type of way. Be above all this bullshitt. You read, you learn, you grow, you take action and make positive changes. Focus on you and your children, THEY NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.

Trapt-

thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

I will try and do as you said...

this sucks!

also hard to be there for them when they are with her...4 hours from me... they don't really know how to use a phone all that well yet

Bradley.

Okay, so it got the better of you and you looked...now you know.

The "just a friend" thing? Well.....you can decide that.

Snooping hurts one person my friend.....and it is NOT her.

You know now, so let it drop.

Can you truly forgive her ?

Answer that before you take another step...

I always said that in the affair, they were only getting the body, cause the mind was out to lunch....

Its not the "real" her they were getting...the deep emotional person I love.

The R talks ? Stop letting her push those buttons on you.

I know you want answers right now, but you would have a better chance at understanding why the Government covered up Area 51 than you will what is going on inside her head.......really...


Does it make you angry ? Sure it does.

Use that anger as a shield....to deflect her BS that she is spewing at you.....

Realize that everything she says to you is truthfully how she feels at the moment.....doesn't make it correct, just that that is how she feels and sees things.....

Believe nothing she says, although you have to put some thought into the complaints that reflect truth inside of you....

If it stings ?

There is probably some truth in it.....

Those are your reflection moments.....

Don't defend yourself, just when you look into that mirror....pull them out of your bag and evaluate them for yourself....

Don't use your anger as a sword against her Bradley....you cannot.



Bradley.....I hope you are speaking about yourself here.....not her.

MLC is a loooong road my friend, and if you place a timeline on your stand, then you have already failed.....

True healing CAN only begin after rock bottom.....that goes for you too.

Have you hit yours ?

Cause you CANNOT assume hers, or what it will even be...

If YOU have, then use that time to look into the mirror and find the things YOU want to change about yourself.....

It will be worth the time.........

Relax....Breathe....and find YOU....

Right, but you make the most of the time you have with them and if you can, you make more time for them.

If you have been reading, (and you have probably found this out the hard way like we all do) you can't talk, reason, or rationalize with them.

It is so important to learn and understand all of this. The faster you "get it" and put it to work, the better.

Dicussing the "other person" is touchy. I don't believe sticking your head in the sand is the answer, however you really need to think about a few things (for you) Get yourself straight first, because you MUST follow through with whatever you say or whatever boundary you place. You absolutely can not waiver. Keep reading and learning. Getting yourself together in this mess is the most crucial step.

You've gotten some great input so far!

I thought my H's "rock bottom" was when he became suicidal afer I found out about the OW and the PA...The fake 'rock bottom" was in March 2009.

Long haul=years.

Talk to your wife aout letting you call and talking to the boys on the phone at certain times of the week. Send them things in the mail. Drive up to take them out when you can..Be the father they need, the father the wife complains you weren't.. Try using Skype if everyone has a computer so they can see you and you can see them!

Forget about the other man-really! Its never about the OM-they are a distraction to the pain...Ignore and don't snoop(speaking from experience of an expert snooper-it really does hurt us and focus or efforts in the wrong place).

I dunno. I'm not writting your story, you are.

I'd add a few names to that best of the best. Bill Kerry Jim Ian Was Drew yadda yadda yadda.

Bradley,

You've gotten hit with two tons of shite.
In the movies the hero doesn't just roll over and die, he stands up and keeps going.

You can sit in the dark apartment after your workday, and woe is me until your sick. In fact you're allowed that, but you cannot wallow in it. Your better than that. Aren't you?

This lying manipulative bithc is going to make you doubt yourself, rip your heart out and basically put you in a box...well your going to let her if you wallow.

You said it yourself, you pretty much went through SEAL training for 9 years. You're one tough muther brother. You only fail if you allow it.

Have a pity party, feel bad for yourself, have an extra finger of bourbon, then get up dust yourself off, realize life ain't fair, and then change it to make it unfair in your favor. : )
Cowboy up.

There are various views about the OM/OW and confronting the Spouse, confronting the OM. Each situation is different. You...on a deep level know your wife better than anyone here. However, we know MLC tendencies better than you do.

If you try to push them apart, they will stick together tighter.


I will offer some basic advice for the long run.

Do not involve or bad mouth her to your family or friends, do not bad mouth her to her family. If you family or friends are telling you to leave her ass, tell them thanks for their concern, but this is your choice (If you choose to stick) and that you require their support in that decision. Otherwise not to talk to you about it...ever.

(the above is because IF she comes back, you want it to be easy in that aspect, of not having judgement from your family or friends. Plus your family and freinds don't want to see you hurt, so they think they are helping)

Keep your boys as insultated from this as possible.

Do not hurt yourself in trying to please her. Certainly not right now.

STFU about the marriage. : )

STFU about the relationship.

And last thing...

Oh yeah...

Answer my questions from above.

Why can't you move closer to your boys? Is it the job?


There is something that many of us forgot...

This time away from her.

Bradley, you aren't going to believe me right now, but everyone who has been here awhile and grown, will tell you.

This TIME apart is a gift.

Seriously. Use it to do the things you stopped doing on her account to please her. Use it to help yourself. What things did you used to do that you loved? Hobbies, games? Do not forget the self improvement, but do not forget the fun the things that make you feel alive too.

As for the other guy? Mach is right, he is getting the souless version of your wife. Later there are tricks for getting past that if you need it...

speaking of...

You should totally join Facebook and become a FAN of Divorce Busting on FaceBook. Michelle has alot of good advice and videos there about DBing principals. Don't make me hit you the head with more hints than that. : ) I'd use your posting name here when you did become a fan of DB on FB. Lets hope your quicker on the uptake than trapt. ; )