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Short and sweet "hi and bye" is good advice. However, it's easy for that to end up sounding angry or guilt inducing depending on how you say it. At least that has been a problem for me!

I suggest you find something to be busy with. Say "Hi, I've gotta go - insert GAL activity", then give your polite "Bye"

Great point, Awoken. I tried that a hi, bye thing back in October and it came off angry. I have had more results in the last 3 weeks with upbeat, positive, FRIENDLY tone with my W than the short and curt answers. I think this important because the wrong tone will communicate louder than your words.

MB28, you want to communicate, I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm happy but keeping it short and sweet and having something else you have to get to otherthan him communicates I am moving ahead with my life with or without you. Hope your evening goes well.

I feel like my encounter with H last night was a success, with me acting “as if”. I really made sure I was happy and upbeat, and kept busy for the short time we were around each other.

When I said “Hi” he said “Hey baby”. At first I felt this was more just out of habit on his part. But then before he left, he patted me on the head as he walked by me. I’m not sure if I should take these two actions as positive reactions from him or not? I don’t want to get my hopes up and read too much into these.

He did bring up selling the house by asking “When should we call the realtor”; I just responded with “Whenever you want too, just let me know”. By the look on his face (this is reading his mind, so not sure) I think it took him off guard that I didn’t try and reason with him about why we shouldn’t sale the house. When he did bring up the house, I did tell him how the kids were upset the night before about the possibility of losing their backyard to play in. He asked me what I said, and I told him that I said “One good thing about us maybe living in an apartment was we might have a pool”. Again, by the look on his face I felt he was taken off guard again about my upbeat attitude about this. Is this ok to let him know what the kids say to me about losing the house?

I was worried he would bring up more about D or R, but he didn’t. This will be day 5 of me not contacting him for anything other then to do with the kids.

Together 16 years
Married 12 years
Me 36
H 34
D9, S6
Separated 12/3/09

Wow,
You are doing great!! I think that you did all things perfectly, you did not lie about anything, just kept it brief. You put a positive spin on things for the kids. You acted as if everything is just fine. He should know that the kids are upset, and obviously his actions are causing that but you do not need to point that out to him, he knows.


Don't get your hopes up, I did and you will let down your guard and mess up. These are positive signs early on in a long process. I would write them down in a journal or on a calendar b/c you will forget, especially when he does something that is not positive and he will. You need to be able to look back and see your efforts working, otherwise we tend to focus on the negatives.
Great job on the no contact, make sure you are not making up stuff about the kids to contact him about. I used to call my W about every little thing just to hear her voice. If you guys agreed to exchange the kids and the details have not been worked out, let him contact you. If the situation demands contact from you to him, try texting and then very brief.
If he asks you to do anything with the sell of the house just say you don't have time can he please take care of it, but still be upbeat. If he brings up D, just tell him you don't want to talk about it now and you need to go. If he brings up R talk, proceed with caution, validate his feelings, let him do the talking.

You are doing so great early on in your sitch. You will find that so many people in these forums mess up for quite a while before they start doing the right things to save their M.
Keep it up, you are doing awesome.

missherlove
Thank you for your reply. I feel good today, for the first time in a long time. Mainly because I felt like I handled last night really well, and a little bit because of his positive reactions. It did give me some hope, but I also realize it’s just one good encounter out of many more bad ones that have happened the last 5 weeks. I will be seeing him again on Thursday, again only for a few minutes. But I’m just going to do the “Hi” and “Bye” thing again.

Thank you to everyone that has replied to me. Because of all of you, I was finally able to have 1 successful “act as if” encounter. I know it’s just 1 little baby step in this long process, but it’s what I needed nonetheless.

Be prepared for a childlike reaction when you meet him tomorrow. If it has been 5 days, he might try to provoke a reaction in you to confirm his actions and decisions. He will be looking for more of your controlling behavior. It may not happen but it may and you need to be prepared with some 180's and some Act-ifs. You are doing so great!!! You are DBing like a master!!

(((mb)))

I saw that you posted on my thread that we have similar sitches. Don't we all.

I don't have time to read through your posts right now, but will make a point to do so in the next day or two.

In the meantime, I am sure that you are getting some great advice. The hard part is actually putting that advice into action.

Mo3

Hello, Need some advice!

Today is day 6 of me not contacting H. He called and texted me last night, and I waited a little while before calling him back. It was just to discuss some money issues, nothing R or D related. And I ended the call first.

Later when I was talking with his mother (we are really close, and she knows what I’m trying to do, and supports me with it), she said that while he was trying to get a hold of me he said, “Something is going on with her”. She asked, “What do you mean?” He didn’t reply. Is this a positive sign?

I will be seeing him tonight, and I’m worried he is going to ask me what is going on with me. And I don’t know what to say if he does. I know I can’t prepare for every conversation he might bring up. But I think the reason I was so successful the last time I seen him, was because I practiced and planned what I would say. But I’m not sure what to say if he asks me this question. PLEASE help with any suggestion on what I should say in this situation?

I know it’s a balance between acting as if I’m going on with my life, but still act interested. How on earth do I do that? He has accused me of being mean and cold in the past. And with me doing this 180, I don’t want him to think I’m being cold. Instead of just saying “Hi” tonight, should I ask him how his day was? Any advice with this one?

Together 16 years
Married 12 years
Me 36
H 34
D9 & S6
Separated 12/3/09

I think it means he notices you not being all after him and pining over him. It's probably messing with his head cause he thought you'd be blowing up his phone for him to come back. This is a good thing in the sense that he is getting the idea that you are not going to die without him. Sweet.

If he asks you what's going on with you, tell him that you're doing well. You've just been working, doing things at home, etc. Don't make a big deal over "Oh I'm so depressed" and whatnot. It will throw him for a loop. Don't bring up R or M... let him do that. If he does, tell him what you would like, if it's to R, then tell him that but that you also know you cannot make him do anything so right now you're going to pull back.

The thing about being cold... you'r enot being cold, lady. You're just letting him know and showing him that you're fine if he wants to leave you. You're letting him know that the world won't stop spinning if he wants to divorce.

Don't overthink future conversations. Just let them happen. My only advice is to NOT get emotional. And especially not angry.