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When you are calm, call her back and let her know you received her messages and reiterate that you are willing to go to counseling with her but your goal is not divorce. That you want to make it work and see your problems as things that can be resolved, that you're pulling to put in the work. Do not tell her they are "minor issues" because she may feel they are are mountains, not mole hills. Also, tell her all the positive changes you've made so she knows what you've been up to (all great things, IMO).



He had a thing for threatening me with D and saying "It's not working, it's not working." Each time he said it, a piece of my heart ripped off. I asked him for about 7 months before I moved to do MC with me & he went once. After I moved out I still mentioned I wanted to go but no dice. Now he's mentioned it but my sitch is quite complicated there may be ulterior motives.

M8, I think you are doing an amazing job. You have gotten work and are getting help. Those are huge turn arounds. Apparently, your wife has notices the new energy that you have. You are regaining your power. That is both good for you and disruptive to her system.

It sounds like she is interested in counseling for some reason. It sounds like she seeks justification for her behavior. The more you are around her, the more opportunity you have to disrupt her belief system she has constructed. Do not tell her you have changed. Continue to show change.

You mentioned boundries in a previous post. I am not the boundry guru, but have you articulated, for yourself, the boundries you would like to set?

What are you reading?

soleil, thank you for your advice. I like your idea to tell my W that I will go to counseling but my goal is not divorce. If she says that she will only go for closure should I still go or wait a bit longer? I've heard some people say that at least getting them to counseling is good and is a start. Others have told me not to go until she doesn't just want to discuss divorce. I hope you sitch works out for you and your H.

Wonderful, thank you for your support. I have made so many positive changes. Do you think she is taking note of these changes even though she still wants a divorce? I wish my wife would notice how serious I am about working to save our marriage. I have even gone back to church every week. This was something that was missing in my life for the past couple of years. I have some boundaries in my mind that I would like to set. Nothing big, just some things that I think are fair to me.

I've read DB, DR, Men are from Marrs (and all books by that author), Relationship Rescue, Getting Back Together, Desperate Marriages, Love Must Be Tough and some other books, I forget the titles. Also read books on depression and anxiety to help me.

I can understand how my wife's feelings towards me could have changed because of the tremendous stresses we were faced with over the past two years. I believe my W is frustrated with the outside circustances we had to deal with but she should at least consider this as to why she feels this way. She could at least try to talk to me about it and work with me to save our marriage.

About 10 months ago my W and I had an argument about the finances, my job, and the house. At that time she told me she wasn't sure if we were going to make it and maybe we should separate and go to MC. We talked that night and the next day I told her that I felt like we had figured it out from our discussion the night before and didn't need MC. Looking back on it now I guess I didn't realize that my wife really wanted MC. I figured she said that because we were having an argument. We were both extremely stressed and have been so from these outside circumstances for the past two years. I realize now that I didn't validate my W's feelings at that time and I regret that everyday now. I wish I could change that.

That was the only time that my W ever mentioned separation or MC. Since then I thought everything was fine. It seemed our marriage was strong. I wish I would have made these changes months ago. It's sad to me that my life around me was a mess for the past couple of years but I still had everything I wanted in life with my W. Now my life is getting better but my W, the only thing that matters most to me, is gone. I hope that I can have both soon and bring my W back.

I am so committed to my wife and our marriage. I'm doing everything I can to try and understand her feelings. I want to do this for me and for us. I want to be the best husband I can be for my wife.

No point in dwelling in the past, so move forward.




IMHO, go no matter what. Tell her you don't want a D (make it known!), that you're seeing an IC, that you're on meds and the last thing you said:

"I am so committed to my wife and our marriage. I'm doing everything I can to try and understand her feelings. I want to do this for me and for us. I want to be the best husband I can be for my wife."

TELL HER!!!!!!!! I am really rooting for you, man!
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Thanks soleil. My W had sad something briefly about growing in different directions. This was when she told me she wanted a divorce. Again, I beleive this was because she was frustrated I didn't have a job at the time. I believe we still want the same things.

I'm considering the MC even if she wants to go for closure in her mind. It will be difficult for me to hear what she says.

Question, is what she says at MC for clousre really how she feels about marriage or is some of it a defense mechanism? Anyone's advice is welcome.

Sandi2, I think you were in a similar situation. Do you have any commnents or advice?

There's no way to tell that. That would be called mind-reading, which is strongly advised against on this board. Just go, tell her everything above and etc. When is the MC session?

Haven't scheduled the counseling session yet. Still not sure if it would be better to wait a while longer?

A friend of mine told me wehn she left her H she wanted some time to be able to think. She said her H kept pursuing her. She told me that she would have probably given him another chance but he wouldn't give her the time and space she needed to think. Therefore she didn't go back to him as he just pushed her further away.

So I thinking about giving my W more time? I'm really confused here. If I go to counseling now my W will use it for closure but at least I will know her feelings. If I wait her reasons for counseling may or may not change?

Help!

I talked to a new MC today and askdd if she was pro marriage. She said she is but has no magic formula. I told her that my W wants MC to bring closure to the marriage. This counselor told me that if my W had already made up her mind to end the marriage then there wasn't much she could do. She seemed to have a pessimistic view on hope. She told me that it generally takes two years for the W to change her feelings and want to work on the marriage.

I am devasted by this news. I guess I should call another counselor. I am hoping that all of my changes will make a difference. I am hoping that my W would feel different in 6-10 months, not two years.

Can anyone who has gone through a similar situation tell me how long before their W changed and started to try to work on the marriage? For the W who separated from your husbands, how long was it for you until your feelings changed and you wanted to try working on the marriage or give your H a second chance?

I could really use some help right now.

MZA8,

The MC you saw was speaking from her experience, not from her knowledge of your life situation. Don't be discouraged by that. You will have conflicting advice. Only you have the knowledge and power to make your decisions.

Your wife is likely noticing your changes but she probobly does not trust them.

I would avoid focusing on any timeline for resolution of these problems. Any time will seem too long. It is a bit cliche, but the problems did not come up overnight and they wont go away overnight. But, on the other hand, with concerted effort and conciousness, you can make real progress on your end of things ever single day.

Right now, get yourself into counseling. Find a counselor that you are comfortable with. Focus on your issues. IMHO, I would not invite your wife to attend MC if she would be going simply to figure out how to bring closure. You need counseling for you. Make no secret that you are in IC and make it clear that at some point you would be interested in MC.

You have made some great steps forward with your life. Keep it up!

Find a new counselor.

And also, go to IC by yourself. And like the poster above says, there is no timetable on these things.



Every sitch is different so don't look for an "average." And I've never heard that it takes 2 years for a W to come around. Not sure where that person was getting that info from.