Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? My new life

This does not sound to me like anyone is being non-compliant or confrontation at this point. I'd hold off on the legal confrontation as much as possible as just the term lawyer changes the dynamic.

I'm not saying to avoid talking with a lawyer but I wouldn't use them as a go between yet.

As for my sitch, W is vacillating between being really nice and marking her separateness.

The weird part is her niceness is complementing me on my appearance, business success etc. Haven't figured out what that is all about.

I'm still working on boundaries. Kind of hard for someone who never really had effective boundaries to get. First few times have come off way to hard or too light. I feel like the Bud-Light commercials. Guess I'll just keep working.

Yes. Boundaries. We don't really have any either.

Problem with not having boundaries is we let other people push us around to a point were we say no more. Then we lash out in unpredictable ways. I.E. Rage, withdraw, passive aggressive behavior, WAS, etc.

In the M, whatever W needed of me in terms of scheduling I would do because I wanted her to succeed in her job. I saw that as the key to relieving her stress and creating a better M.

Most of the time I did it willingly, but there were times she could see it bothered me to adjust my schedule so she could always work.

I know she felt guilty that it appeared as if she was always working and then had nothing left for me when she got home. But she also resented the fact that I could adjust my schedule to fit hers. She wanted the flexible job.

I don't know how boundaries would have helped there. I know this, after taking a personality test, I handled W's stress the wrong way. When she'd get down over work, I'd tell her she's working too hard and needs to take a break. That's my personality.

She is a very driven individual. Saying that to her probably infuriated her and led her to believe I didn't know her at all. I should have instead said something like "you are the hardest working person I know, I know you'll figure this out."

That would have showed I have confidence in her.

Too late now.

Does this feeling ever go away. I'm feeling sick to my stomach thinking that I've changed everything I can possibly change and I have made no cracks in the wall created by my W.

That's my question, too. So she's pulled way back again. Does that mean you are soldiering on with the D?

The D proceeds with little intervention. That's why I keep cautioning you when it comes to D. They seem to have a life of their own support by the lawyers you pay to represent you.

My W hasn't pulled back but I'm having a really hard time talking with her now. I don't know if I should be talking to her or not. I'm really confused as to the correct course of action. She has been very respectful when it comes to boundaries. When she isn't I politely remind her. She even called me from work last night to discuss scheduling (this has never happened).

In the end she has to sign or decide not to sign, right?

My W has only called me twice since Christmas. It's as if we are already D anyway. How much are you talking? At least she's complimenting you, although that's probably confusing as well.

We talk multiple times a day on most days. We get along fantastically. That's what makes this so darn hard.

I know I'm always complaining but deep down I know this is the best thing that could have happened to us, to our family. I'm starting to understand what it means to be a man. I'm finally growing up at the age of 40. I don't know if this growth could have been possible without a kick in the arse. Just wish the growing pains didn't hurt so bad.