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K,

My D14 has been in counseling for awhile and it has helped her alot. She was on a serious self destructive path.

D17 wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. IMO, if you "make" her go, it won't be helpful. Personal experience there.

I know exactly what you mean about having to deal with all the emotions. It used to kill me that H didn't see alot of the "first" reactions. Now, I count myself lucky to be the one that gets a glimpse of what's going on.

It's really hard, no two ways about it. Hang in there.

HUGS

Grace-I value your opinion and experience here. I've always been open and positive about counseling, having been depressed in college while being treated as a go-between in my parents' divorce. I also had some therapy while dating H before we got married. H and I both were open about seeing or individual therapists and a marriage counselor...

And yet, both of my daughters are adamantly against seeing therapist. So I haven't pushed it, because I agree, I don't think therapy is as helpful unless you believe it will be and are willing to open up and look inside..

H called me at work today to ask for the therapist's phone number to reschedule the appintment he missed on 12/31. So at least he is still doing that(his family thought he had stopped therapy). I was upbeat and happy to hear from him. He shared he hadn't slept at all last night(so much for his theory that leaving me allowed him to sleep again)

I shared D12's meltdown and how she did end up sleeping in my bed and therefore I didn't sleep well(she tosses and turns and talks in her sleep). H actually was a good listener and responded with concern and empathy. I reminded H he could text or call me if he couldn't sleep(like he did during the first separation)...we ended the call on a positive note. I've been good in my DBing the last few FB chats and phonecalls..

Stopped wearing my weddng ring this weekend. I still panic periodically thinking its fallen off-hand feels naked..but I need to mentally move forward and I think that will help. If I'm going to stay married to H then I think we both need new rings and vows in the future..(H lost his wedding ring 3 years ago and never bothered to replace it).

I remember when I took my ring off october 2007
it was such a bif decision for me
at first I only did it to get a reaction from xh which I never got..I never dated till after my D 3/09 anyway
I think it does help us to move forward it feels funny for a while ..now it feels normal to have no ring
I also remember my D having many meltdowns after Seperation she was 12 then
It helped me to sit down and listen to her not during meltdown but as a reguar activity to give her full attention for 10-15 minutes a day
now she is almost 15
she seems OK I still try to listen to her
validate her
be a freind/mom to her
it isnt perfect im not perfect
but I think we bonded more after H left
I made her a priority
where as before I dont think I did
I was always trying to figure out how to make M better and never could
peace

Hey KJ.

I wanted to say thank you for your kind words on Bradley11's thread......

I hope you are having a great day !!!!!

Thanks Mach!
You all helped me so much in the beginning, especially.

KJ,

The beginning.......well if that doesn't feel a thousand years ago now....

Then? I would have said I would never make it.....

Looking back ? Feels like yesterday, but a million years ago too..

I am curious, as I too, have a D12, and although I have been over two years now. A Jan 15th move out from her is on the horizon.

I will have both kids 4 nights a week, and I will be the one to help pick up their pieces in this.

Grace, Peace, KJ,....Would it be awkward for me to have a sit down once a week with just her ?

She has been more affectionate towards her Mother lately, and I can see that she is being more clingy with her.

Anticipation I would assume.....anticipation that she knows that her Mother is moving out.

When I started seeing this a few months ago, I assumed it was because they were both girls ( and around the same age mentally ).

Since that time, I have realized that it was not about that, it was about the fact that she was searching for guidance from a Mother......not a best girlfriend.

I want the best for BOTH my children.....My son ?

He will rock, cause I know how to deal with his feelings on this, having been there.

My Daughter ? Not so much....but I am learning, slowly.

Women and Men think so differently, and I am learning that starts early.....LOL



Sorry for the Hi-jack KJ......

No worries Mach- Hijack away! The fact that you sense this change in your D12 shows alot of awareness and love.

Taking time, even 15 minutes, to be alone with D12 and your son will help strengthen your relationship with them. Finding an activity that yo and D12 share(cooking a meal, some sport) will also strengthen that bond.

Mach, have you considered that they may need IC, maybe a female IC that could give her some motherly guidance. She is at a tough age and she defintely needs to continue to grow.

Hey Mach!

I make time for both my D's seperately. We don't always do anything in particular, but it gives them and me a chance to talk about whatever is on the menu lately.

My D14 is esp fond of leaving me notes (or texting or emails) about stuff that's going on with her. Too often they are "bombs" and she wants me to respond in kind (as opposed to a face to face). I usually do both, written first, then talk.

Whatever way works for her and you.

Counseling can be good, depends on the kid. My D17 would shut down like NORAD on a red alert.

Your intent will shine through to both you kids. That means so much (I have it on good authority )

HUGS

KJ-

been reading your sitch.

and I (big capital I) wanted to thank you as well. Mach-- that was pretty classy thanking her as well on her thread. I just saw that.

Knowing how much pain you are going through, that you would reach out to help me... wow. I'm a little choked about that.

B