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Hi Grace,
I don't think I'll wallow. The girls are starting to see if they can have friends over so I think much of my night will revolve around their plans.

Might have a movie marathon night-Lord of the Rings trilogy...I'm working on it.

What are your plans?

Hi K,

I'm sorry you have to be going through this especially during the holidays. As others have said, your H is projecting his anger onto you.
I would definitely put some boundaries in place about coming by the house and at least calling beforehand when he wants to spend time with his D's (not just assuming they'll be spending time with him).
Try to make the most of your time with D's. They'll really appreciate that.

Ooh, Lord of the Rings! I think maybe I'll watch "Return of the King" today. I love Eowyn.

HUGS

Had a nice dinner out with my daughters last night. Today we did some errands and then went to the Denver Zoolights. I had asked H if he wanted to join us last week and he bailed at the last minute(as did we since it was so cold). Today H called to ask a question about reordering his prescription and I mentionned we were going to the zoo tonight. I'd not made my mind up about asking him if he wanted to join us til just then...

H said he wasn't feeling well and went home early to nap. He'd asked when we decided to go to the zoo (the night before) and wondered why I hadn't let him know sooner...Anyway he didn't end up joining us and we had a good time on our own. He asked D12 to email him pics, so I just did(so he'll see what he missed).

Today is the one year anniversary of "the Bomb". Not sure if H is aware, but I am. I'm a long way from where I was last year. Much stronger, more confident, skinnier. But I think its sad that here we are about(possibly) to get divorced and I really don't think H is any happier since he moved out again. There is no other woman in the picture(per H) and his biggest/only complaint is (his perception)that we fight. My perception and my daughter's is that H gets mad(about anything and everything) and I listen but don't defend.

I think most of our communication issues come down to the difference in male/female communication. I'm reading Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus and its eye opening. I definitely fell into the trap of not "getting" my husband, and therefore not giving him the support and validation he so desperately needed in our relationship. For that I have alot of regret.

H did say on the phone today, that we need to keep communicating. Not avoiding or ignoring-his words. This is his conclusion of what we need to do since our last "fight" a few days ago. So I think going dim/dark may not work at the moment b/c he'll see it has something negative or a game. So as long as he's civil I will keep the lines open.

KJ,

It is great that your H is still trying to stay involved with you and the girls even though he has moved out. Since feeling like you aren't "listening" to him is one of his issues, maybe the dim/dark thing isn't the best idea right now so you don't push him further away.

Your girls don't seem overly anxious to spend time with their dad (didn't want to see a movie with him, etc.) Does he take offense and outwardly get upset?

Hey K,

Sounds like you're doing ok given the year mark.

The zoo sounded like fun. i haven't been there in a long time.

There are a couple of other book that I've read re: communication that have been really helpful. One is "How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It."

HUGS

TF- The girls aren't in a hurry to spend time with H, mostly I think since they prefer to spend time on their own or with their friends more than their parents. H doesn't show much offense about them not wanting to spend time with him unless its a direct "no" to a suggestion of his, then he feels hurt.

I am communicating with H, but not initiating much at all. He seems to have calmed down a bit since Christmas.

Grace- The zoo was fun, but cold! H emailed me this morning that he appreciated me sending the pictures. He called later to see if one of his vitamin bottles was still here(he stopped taking everything when he stopped his antidepressant mid-November). I'm reading the John Gray book siultaneously with the ow to fix your marriage...) book, along with several others(book club)...depending on my mood. I agree that the How to save your marriage is good-my DB counselor recommended it as well.

I created a well stocked relationship/how to save our marriage/DB..etc. library last January after H moved out, and have been reading and re-reading all of the books!

Books and movies are the way I tend to cope/distract myself and get my head in a better place.

So tonight the girls and I are going to see "Nine". Thursday I'm seeing "It's Complicated" with a girlfriend. In between, lots of cleaning, reading, household puttering!

I'm sad at moments, like when H called today and sounded OK and said he'd come get his bike soon...reminds me that he's moving on and I need to as well..sometimes I just want to shake him and make him wake up and see all the good we had in our relationship, but I know I can't and won't do that...its just frustrating.

Ah well, a distraction is minutes away! Thanks for your support!

Hope you have a Happy New Year!

Do you have any big plans?

K,

I hope all is well.

Have a Happy New Year's Eve and an amazing New Year!

HUGS

Right Back at you Both! I wish a very Happy and Happiness-filled Year for all of us on this board. I'm ready to say goodbye to 2009-worst year and most eye-opening year of my life!

H is coming over for dinner tonight-I asked him out after some texts convinced me is feeling sorry for himself and isolated, but not volatile..He said he'd rather stay in to eat, so he's coming over. The kids will all be here with some friends. I've got no expectations and expect(HaHa!! :-) ) that he'll eat and run, so anything beyond that will be gravy.

Looking forward to 2010 even though I may find myself divorced at the end of it!

Love and HUGS to you all- I so much appreciate the support I've gotten this year! A great big THANK YOU to everyone.

-KJ