Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First time poster feeling a bit lost

SANDI is wise and gave you great advise. Read her post again.

This is very important

I'm not one to give advice...I'm new at this myself, but here is how I see it.

A common theme I see from the MUCH more wise people on this board says that an OP is just a symptom of the problem, not a cause. So some say don't dwell on it or worry about it, because yes it will make you feel worse. Which is true But I feel its also very necessary to know.

Now in my situation my found out my wife was texting a boyfriend from her teenage years, but just to talk as a friend. I do believe her because there was never CALLS to his number on the phone, just texts. Plus she lives with a friend but I don't think he would ever be over because I basically still always know where she is (she calls me several times a day.) I don't believe my wife would do that to me. How do you feel? People say you usually have a gut feeling when something is going on. Do you have that feeling?

Now back to why I feel it is necessary to know is because what if your wife, or our wives, are cheating on us? We try and try to DB and its not working, and we give in and go for the divorce. Is this something you want to have on her in the divorce? I don't know how well the laws work but wouldn't you get more out of an AT FAULT divorce? Well someone cheating on you is enough grounds. So here is how I see it bottom line, and maybe this is because I am in such an angry place right now. If my wife was cheating and we ended up working on things and her OM was a symptom, I could forgive her for that. If she left me for someone else and that was the REASON, I would want to make sure she has to pay for that in court. Thats all just IMHO.

Bobby

Me 28
W 22
M: 05/27/07
Bomb 10/09

Ok She is away. So now you snoop around the house. Everything. Phone Bills , computer ( browser history , email , book etc... ), purses ,coats, underware drawer , credit cards etc.. Read up on how to back up her phone on a computer. Etc...

MT21,
Sorry you are here, but this is a very safe place and a place that will help you tremendously in the coming days...
I am a newbie myself, but I wanted to address one thing you said. You have been advised to stop breaking down in front of your W and you said you are not a robot. That is very true, and you are going to keep having very difficult days and very strong emotions. You need to get that out. What you need to do is give yourself permission to break down when you are not around your W or your kids. Take time for yourself, go for a long walk or drive and let yourself break down. Acknowledge the very REAL and very VALID emotions you have. When our spouses blindside us with these sitches, it hurts like hell! You should feel what you feel. But, when you show that to her, it turns her off from you.

Feel it, vent it, express it... to yourself or to your bereavement counselor. Then, shake it off and let it go. When you are around your W, be as upbeat and busy as you can. If you can't do this yet (it took me awhile to get there) then at least be "neutral" when around her. She is caught up in herself right now and does not want to have to deal with your emotions.

You may not be ready yet to face the possibility of an OP. I understand. That was hard for me to face too. If you can't yet, then please focus on taking care of yourself and on your kids. When you are ready, you will look at that issue, and my guess is you will do that sooner than you think. When/if you do... this community is here for you, and it is full of really great, very caring, and very wise people.

You are going to be ok.... hang in there....
Rocked

Looked everywhere for any shred of OP, nothing....

Like I said though I dont care if there is OP, and thats good way of describing it, OP is a symptom. just noise around a an already difficult situation.

You are of course right, I need to stop breaking down. She is v.strong but then shes probably been building the fortress for years...

Thanks all for the advice.

OK.

Now answer the questions from the first page.

Cutter,

If you mean do I love my wife, Yes.

Will I fight for my daughters and marriage, Yes

Is it a dealbreaker, no.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching my heads a lot straighter, I made a decision while shes away that I wouldnt hassle her.

Last night she called me...I was really nice and composed..

But I have made the decision that I wont push for her to come back. She needs to make that decision.

MT

Quick question, any advice.

So we are talking but not about R only day to day stuff.

I am starting to think about how awful Xmas will be..
I thought I might suggest to take the Children away for Xmas break just a few days...She is welcome to join.(Of course)

Is that a good idea?

My thinking.
1.If she comes we might have fun..she'll see what shes giving up?
or
2. she wont come, thinking I am moving on with my life..and feel v.comfortable with that.
And it may give her more space to really decide shes going?


What do you think..?

Don't plan stuff like that with the goal of her seeing the light. Personally I think that event like that may just be an area for conflict.

Good job staying away from the R talk. It's very hard to do. Keep that up. It may take a long time. Be prepared for this to take a long time.

Be patient.

Number one doesn't work in the mind of a WAW. She's already thought of all that a long time ago.

If you could apply number two.....and really move on with your life, then she would find you much more attractive than she does at this time.

Become the man she fell in love with. Be strong, confident, and decisive. Stop trying to find gimmicks that will get her back. Work on you.

Did your doctor know you were trying to give up drinking and smoking at the same time? That seems to be a huge task to undertake. How are you doing with it?