Thanks, gima. I had already stopped attempting to make contact. Last night was just a honest wish to all.
I have no control. I will stop completely now.
But I keep thinking the question all of us on this forum have all asked ourselves at one time or another in one fashion or another (usually, of course,in relation to spouses):
How does a person simply discard a loved one?
I choose to think of it as letting them go, not throwing them away. If they come back, then it's up to us to decide if we want them back. If not, we haven't lost anything.
And if they don't, the painful realization is that our perception of our R with them is different than their view of it.
I choose to think of it as letting them go, not throwing them away. If they come back, then it's up to us to decide if we want them back. If not, we haven't lost anything.
I think Gardener was saying that he is the one being discarded, not the other way around.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I've wondered that myself over the past year or two--it absolutely sucks to be discarded, especially when you have no idea why. I'm so sorry to hear this, and so sorry that your year began with someone going out of their way to cause pain.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I choose to think of it as letting them go, not throwing them away. If they come back, then it's up to us to decide if we want them back. If not, we haven't lost anything.
I think Gardener was saying that he is the one being discarded, not the other way around.
Oh. Sorry about that. Too much football watching today.
In taht case, Gardener, I don't have an answer, other than your STBXW has influenced them.
I choose to think of it as letting them go, not throwing them away. If they come back, then it's up to us to decide if we want them back. If not, we haven't lost anything.
And if they don't, the painful realization is that our perception of our R with them is different than their view of it.
Take care of yourself.
Thanks, Gima. I realized I mis-worded that as soon as I hit submit, but didn't bother editing.
I did not, would never, could never discard a loved one
I've been discarded. That's what I can't comprehend a loved one doing (not just to me: in general. To anyone)
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I choose to think of it as letting them go, not throwing them away. If they come back, then it's up to us to decide if we want them back. If not, we haven't lost anything.
I think Gardener was saying that he is the one being discarded, not the other way around.
Yep. You got it. You beat me to that clarification. Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
How many times have you texted, emailed, called, stopped by uninvited? Stop. Just Stop.
You're in a world of hurt, looking for validation. And you're dealing with other people in a world of hurt not knowing which way is up.
The more you pursue your stepchildren, the more they'll believe what their mom says about you stalking her.
Let. It. Go.
Your relationship with your spouse has not been an ideal for quite a while. Neither was mine, but I felt at the core it was. It wasn't. Like Humpty Dumpty after the great fall, no amount of work could put it together again.
Reality hurts. It really really does.
But clinging onto the dream is worse.
That horse is dead. That ship has sailed and sunk.
Just Stop.
Stop all communication with your stepchildren. Limit any communication with your divorcing spouse.
Set your boundaries.
The stepchildren will reconnect with your son. In time they may reconnect with you.
Let them come to you. Stop pursuing.
And if they don't, you know what you gave unconditionally.
I'm so sorry to hear the reaction of the step-kids. I can't add anything to what's already said- let them go and hopefully they will come back someday. In the meantime I hope you take strength in knowing that you are an incredible dad and friend, and we all love you here.
I have wondered this myself. I then realized that we may never know the 'why' and that letting it go, is the only way to move past it.
I think for guys... No, not guys, Men, like us, who may have a 'fix it' mindset, we always want to understand the 'why' even when we can't, and that is something in ourselves that is hard to overcome.
But overcome it we must, or we only cause more pain to ourselves. Hang in there, you'll be fine.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Hey G'Man..How many times have you texted, emailed, called, stopped by uninvited? Stop. Just Stop.StepD? The one, uninvited, two-hour "new baby" visit in November.Last night's email wish. StepS? Three voice mails since same visit You're in a world of hurt, looking for validation.And you're dealing with other people in a world of hurt not knowing which way is up. Yep, you're right.Ouch. Bingo. The more you pursue your stepchildren, the more they'll believe what their mom says about you stalking her. The limited above actions I didn't think were pursuing. Maybe they were. STBXW only accused me of stalking once: supposedly watching her from across the pond outside her apt. In April. Totally, ludicrously not true. Let. It. Go. Gone. Gone, friend. New year. New Me. Victim no more. Am going to get back in shape (in many needed ways). Going to get back to me. Will no longer - will no longer - allow things like this make me feel sorry for myself. Reality hurts.It really really does.Yep. Well, some of it does. But clinging onto the dream is worse. That horse is dead. That ship has sailed and sunk.Pull those punches, Gyps! Just Stop.Done Stop all communication with your stepchildren.Now done. Limit any communication with your divorcing spouse.Already done. Going to limit even more. Going to stop 1/27. Set your boundaries.Gonna work on them tonight. And write them down. The stepchildren will reconnect with your son. In time they may reconnect with you.Let them come to you. Stop pursuing.Already on the same page as you Find YOU, G'Man. Am gonna re-find me, friend You're more than the sum of your blended family. Gotta re-find that, too. It was so good for so long that, yes, I let it - understandably -define me.That's what we Nice Guys do. *hugs*hugs?Next time I see you, I'm gonna hug the hell out of you! PS How was the date? January 28th, day after D. No longer considering a date, though. An introduction and an evening of music with company Thanks, GGG (Gypsy, Genius, Gem)
Last edited by Gardener; 01/02/1012:16 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
