I feel the lines that I draw in this arena come from strength and confidence. I am not accepting this behavior, I am basically saying to her that you are going to do what you are going to do and I am going to handle it. If I am confrontational about it, then, I fall into the trap of being jealous and blowing it out of proportion. Taking the high road is much more honorable than pursuing a married woman. She will recognize this or she will not. I have said my peace on the issue to her and in counseling. It is up to her make a choice. In the meantime, I can present in a confidently and gracefully. Does this make sense?
I understand what and why you are doing it. It doesn't work.
Here's why, put yourself in her shoes - your wife invests her time, emotions (feelings which are HUGE to women), energy, thoughts, desires, dreams, and needs with another man. You stand tall and ignore it (in her mind ignoring her). She sees you being passive and another man is eager to fill all her needs. He is bold and strong going after a married woman. Sure she is confused you are adding to her confusion. Do you want to help her see clearly? Without being jealous or blowing things out of proportion? By taking a very honorable, strong and decisive stand that will be very attaractive to your wife?
You are thinking like you are dealing with another man. You are dealing with your wife who is having a affair. Have you ever done this before? We see it numerous times a day here and have experience in what works and what doesn't. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in marriage and how to improve yourself.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I guess I did not attach specific consequences to them.
Then they have not bite and really will not matter to her. You tell your teenager that if he busts curfew again, you will not like it and be very disappointed, but attach no consequences. Any bets that that kid'll bust curfew again? Money. And not by a few minutes, either.
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I simply stated that he should not come to our house when I am not home. (On the day he was there there were other people present.) She agreed. I left it at that. She has said in counseling that she does not have those kinds of feelings about the OM, but she is also very confused. It could re-emerge.
I feel the lines that I draw in this arena come from strength and confidence. I am not accepting this behavior, I am basically saying to her that you are going to do what you are going to do and I am going to handle it.
Well you're right about one thing - she is going to do what she is going to do and you cannot control this. But saying she can do what she wants and you're just going to handle it sounds a bit like "Take me on this crazy a$$ ride - I'll just strap in tight and hope for the best." Too passive. Handling it ought to mean telling her what you stand for.
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If I am confrontational about it, then, I fall into the trap of being jealous and blowing it out of proportion. Taking the high road is much more honorable than pursuing a married woman.
It is NOT confrontational to tell your wife that you will not share her affection and attention with another man. That is a boundary that a man should declare within his marriage. Anything short of that translates into weakness and possibly apathy - the opposites of strength and honor.
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She will recognize this or she will not. I have said my peace on the issue to her and in counseling. It is up to her make a choice.
Maybe she will notice it, but Mr. Wonderful, I just doubt it. She's noticing someone else right now - and he gets her, he is a good listener, he has not history with her so it's all new, he validates everything she says, he is a soul mate. You are the guy keeping her from all of this bliss just like you have for years. That's her reality. Why would she notice, with all of that other stuff tickling her ears? You can wait it out if you want - b/c I've almost never seen these affairs play out into a real life relationship - or you can bust it now and start working on your M.
So are you sure there is an A? And if so, is the OM married?
Female perspective ~ Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
I just wanted to say that as a woman, this one is huge. If you speak to her in a hateful manner, she will be running the complete opposite direction. You need to put your foot down and tell her it's a dealbreaker somehow but not in a fickle way, if that somehow makes sense. How long has the A been going on? Did she come out and tell you directly or you found out on your own? Sorry to hear you are having this problem in your M.
No, I am not sure there is an A and yes he is married also. One thing is certain, she is confused and putting out mixed signals. I can't trust her. Her most recent statement is that she does not have those kind of feelings for anyone and thier relationship is professional. But the defense is always we're "just friends". I have told her a do not approve of any relationship beyond a friendship. Isn't it up to her to bust it? I think she is struggling with it.
I am not going to say, "End the relationship or I am leaving" The simple fact is, I am not. I am dedicated to my marriage even though my wife is checked out right now. Any suggestions on how I can establish boundries without threatening to leave and actually leaving when the my wife is not present and working on the relationship? I'd love to hear them.
What mixed signals? Give us a snapshot. Why don't you trust her? Has she lied or been secretive about the "friendship"? What does her phone record look like?
Wonderful ~ I'm really sorry you find yourself here. We've all been where you are or in the neighborhood at least! That's kind of how we know what we know.
One thing I like in what I'm reading of you is that you have the cool and collected thing down! Just make sure that in all of your fine measure and composure, you are not stuffing down or sweeping under things that need to be dealt with.
Cheers ~ Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Well, initially she disclosed her feelings openly and honestly. She did lie about traveling out of with the OP. She has regular phone contact. I do not look at her phone record. I do not look at her email. I They also work togather so they are with each other several days each week.We discussed this in counseling. In counseling, she said this is just a friendship and she does not have romantic feelings for this person. I have no alternative but to accept this version of the truth, understanding it may change because she is mixed up.
how often and what time of day do they communicate?
If it's professional she won't mind you having access to her phone and e-mail, her reaction to that proposal would be very telling.
You need facts/proof that they are being unprofessional and having a EA before you can state the boundary.
Boundaries are about stating the behavior that is unacceptable and the consequences for crossing the boundary.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have told her a do not approve of any relationship beyond a friendship.
Right there you stated to her what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. SO the ball is in her court about this "friendship." How were you even made known that she had traveled with him? Or rather, how did the subject of him come up? And you're correct: it will be up to her to stop her A if she's having one. She will have to do that all on her own.
Right there you stated to her what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.
but with no consequences or transparency it's useless.
It's called "cake-eating" here. She get's to be married, nice home, keeping up appearances, financial security and no obligations to her husband. Yet she has the thrill of a new, forbidden romance with no strings attached.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
