Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WAH in MLC with PA

DG,

I think it was Mach who talked about installing a filter from the brain to the mouth.

We all have to do that. That filter, is supposed to keep anything from coming out that should not. To prevent you from saying something you can’t take back later.

As your changes are for you and you alone, your H will begin to recognize them, without you saying a word. People say that, but believe me, it really is true.

What you are hearing right now is script. Yes it hurts. Very deeply. But it is normal for the MLCer.

As far as OW, you can’t do anything about it. The more you try to break it up, the more you even worry about when it might end, the nuttier it will make YOU. Only your H or her can end that R. It is the only way. Ending it does not make MLC go faster, it does not make reconciliation happen quicker.

You can do this but you can’t rush any of it. Listen to Grace. She is spot on.

Does anyone have any links to posts from MLC themselves describing the experience? I noticed one in the archives but I want to read as many as I can. I'm trying to get to understand what he's going through so that I maybe can be less defensive/angry? when I talk to him again.

I'm trying to get to a place of compassion as opposed to hurt...

DG-

This is a link to Kjensen's previous thread (p. 24). Partway down on the page are some links (thanks to Grace:)) to threads by a previous poster who was in MLC. They are insightful.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1835667&page=24

Happyagain

I forgot the name he used to post under when we was in MLC.

AmyC has described her MLC...good luck sorting through ... a billion posts to find some of those.

Diamond, let me sum it up.

The confusion and pain you feel. THAT is a GOOD day for an MLCer. Theirs is overwhelming. ANY decision, even the most horrible ones, are better than none. Because it is some sort of movement.

I have never felt so bad for my wife or pity, as when she tried to describe what she felt like.

Everything in you life is wrong. Everything. Imagine that. You cannot be the problem, so it has to be someone else's fault.
Sadly... the spouse. Every little slight now becomes a gapping wound.

DG, those posts are happyagain I believe so that should help.:)

Jack is right about that pain and confusion. My H opened up to me the other night for the first time in a long time and that pain is so evident and I know what I saw and heard was only the tip of the iceburg. He is deeply, deeply unhappy. And broken. And he does blame pretty much everything else in his life for the pain and being what is "wrong," every decision he has ever made, who he is/was, everything. It is so painful to watch and to try to validate. I so, so badly wanted to tell him to get some help but didn't. He needs to see that himself first.

Thank goodness you didn't tell him. It would have done no good.

_________________________

Yeah, I learned that lesson a few months ago. Just trying to shut up and let him figure it out.

Okay.. so regarding validation...

Can anyone give me examples that don't sound too formal?

When WAH started in on how I didn't bother to get to know him during 10 years of our marriage I said "I can see how you might feel that way." He told me to stop with the psychological crap..

*sigh*

I'm not sure how exactly to validate without sounding phony.. I truly meant what I said, but I'm not used to speaking in a validating way as most of my life has been about pushing through challenges with anger or fear as the fuel, not patience and understanding...I guess it came naturally for me with him in the "honeymoon stage" pre-marriage with no conflicts..

So would have I.

From his point of view, he is right. But that is his side of the story.

Did you get to know him?

"I thought I was. But I can see how you would feel that I didn't."

There's a book, "Fighting For Your Marriage" that is pretty good at describing, with examples, of how to 'active listen'. I think Active Listening, restating in your own words what the other person is saying, summing it up, adding that you heard the emotion behind the message..is one way to validate..

They want to be heard. They want to be understood.