My MLC H seems to be coming around more after our separation two months ago. For example, he spent time at our home yesterday although he doesn't live there and we have been out to dinner two nights in a row. I've also been doing the 180's and LRT and he's calling more and more every day.
However, the OW is still hot and heavy in the picture. He's spending the night with her about every night. His current accomodations at a buddy's will be unavailable by New Year's Eve and he says he "can't and doesn't want" to move in with her. How is everyone dealing with being a friend even though there is an OP involved? Harder to deal with for me as my "old H" is appearing more and more lately, yet she is still around. Any advice or coping techniques or how to handle him coming around more?
It's difficult, but you can do it....treat him as an old friend. Do not inquire about the ow or what he is doing. If he wants you to know something, he will tell you. They tend to have loose lips during MLC. Continue doing what is working for you, but keep your expectations at zero.
I think he's having some moments of sanity and is "dating" you, just as he would any other woman (as if he were single). They call this comparison shopping. Some of them will do this. I don't know if that's what your h is doing or not....only you know your h.
Please keep your expectations at zero. As soon as you get your hopes up a little bit, he'll slither back into the MLC fog. Their radar is extra sensitive and can detect your moods, etc.
Try to keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would continue with your LRT. That would include not letting him return to live with you. I know that is hard but what is he doing to fix his problems. He needs to do actions not words to prove you should take him back. If he needs a place to stay he is liable to say anything to get what he wants. If there is an OW you can have no relationship. That has to end. Do not tell him any of this. Sit back and watch the show as he races by.
Thank you for the sound advice. Should I stop allowing him to come to the house for things like doing laundry, etc. I have thought about this quite a bit lately about not allowing him in the home any longer, but I'm teetering back in forth between totally dark and being friends.
He did however spend time with me as opposed to OW and she was calling him while we were together, looking for him I suppose and I even caught her driving by my home yesterday perhaps looking for him as well. I don't feel that she should be that secure in the relationship either considering he ruined his life and his marriage already. I did have to laugh a little to myself when I saw her because she now knows how it feels to be searching for him and no idea where he is just as I did when I would find him at her home.
The OW can't trust him because he has a history of cheating on you to go to her so she will be neurotic about his whereabouts when he disappears. OW are also very insecure about LBS. We have the history with them and longterm love.
As she becomes more controlling and less sure of him her true colours will show.
Carry on watching, GALing and DBing. The fireworks may interesting!
Your sitch sounds alot like mine did in the beginning. My H had an OW and she was very insecure in their relationship to the point she would email and text me and ask if anything was going on with us!
Just be careful and keep your expectations at zero, like snodderly said....as soon as you get your hopes up he could go back into the fog. It happened to me dozens of times with my H. It took 2 years to get the OW out of the picture.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I know this sounds bizarre, but after the beginning of the new year and he has no where to go, I think it may be to my benefit that he be forced to stay with the OW. The situation is a little weird since she rents a room from the mother of a mutual friend of H and I. I think this may have something to do with why he can't "live" with her. Also, he is still paying half of all the bills in the marital residence as well and he cannot afford to go out and rent something.
I feel that if he goes to live with her, he may be jarred a little bit by the reality of the situation. She is very insecure, mildly suicidal and has an eating disorder (knew her before she started having an affair with my husband). I feel that the appeal of OW for him is that he was also displaying signs of major depression and she was at the same point. It's a really bad relationship for him to be in.
I do feel like he is starting to "date" me again. A few weeks ago he would have never went out to dinner with me or spent anytime with me and now he is doing a little bit of an about face and getting warmer to me as each day passes. He even a week ago brought me some things when I wasn't feeling well. He was with me when he would normally have been with her this past weekend (except for at night). I remember my husband when he was courting me and he wouldn't spend a minute away from me EVER and this is not the case with her. Perhaps her accomodations are better than the cold, empty room he is in at his buddy's on an air mattress. Also, and I know this may ruffle a few feathers, but we had an amazing sex life prior to this and we have still ML a few times since he left (with protection of course). I felt the first few times that he was using me, but now I think he is starting to feel used and even tried to be more loving with me the last time as opposed to just doing a deed. Bad move on my part??
We have our house on the market since he left and got an offer from the neighbor yesterday and when I texted him, he called. When I mentioned it to him, he started to get a little hostile with me. Perhaps cold feet. This was our dream home so maybe he's starting to realize that it will be gone and once the house is sold, our only common thread and reason to see me is gone as well???
C, May I suggest something to you? Keep to one thread. When you have several going, we cannot keep up with you and you cannot keep a "journal" of your progress.
No, you are not the ow...you are still his wife and he's cake eating a bit. He wants to keep you dangling and on the side just in case things don't work out w/the ow. Also, he knows that if he needs a place to crash, you just might allow him to stay in his home until it is sold.
Take each day as it comes and do not worry about what curve balls he's going to throw your way. Why? Because he doesn't know himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well,Alex, what's my consolation prize??? I was right. He asked me this evening after calling 10 times in 3 hours because I did not answer, if he could stay here for a few weeks until he found another place to go. I sternly said "no" and of course he was infuriated. He also tried to engage me in a little sympathy for his situation and I replied "I understand this is a very difficult time for you and for that I am so sorry". What I really wanted to say was "why don't you go stay with the skank?", but I resigned myself.
I hope I didn't just make a huge mistake because he is really angry right now with me and says this is his house too so he should have rights as well. Sure, you can have rights to the house once you stop seeing OW..... grrrrr.......
