Soleil, At first when he said I was controlling, I thought he meant with the money, because I do control all of that. And I told him he could take it, I don't want it, I just do it. He said I try to control everything such as; I have stopped accepting invitations from other couples to join them in doing stuff, which makes him not be able to go. I do know what he is talking about, but it is only with one particular couple, that I don't like so much. And then the big one was he tells me I should want him to go do things he enjoys and not try to stop him, like I've been doing.
I am seeing an IC. We set it up at first as MC (just a few days after he moved out), and H came to 2 sessions, and on the 2nd one is when he said he had thought about it, and has decided he was done. And hasn't been back sense, but I'm still going.
I have now on my 3rd day of not contacting him about us. I did have to call him last night about the kids, but nothing else was said. He did text me today to ask me what happened at a family member’s court hearing, but I’m not reading anything into that. I will be seeing him tomorrow night, just for a minute, and I plan on just saying “hi” and then “bye” and only talk to him if he starts a conversation.
Thank you for your reply
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The day started out good, but ended bad. I was caught up in trying to check-up on H. I still don't know if he is having an affair or not, but I'm suspicious. I know I'm not supposed to check up on him. Nevertheless, I'm guilty of doing it. However, I did not contact him today. He texted me about a family question and I replied, but nothing more. I know there is no set time when anyone of us will see results. I just hope I get something soon. It would sure make it easier to stick with the LRT.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
mb28, I hope you are doing okay, just came over to check in and let you know I was thinking about you.
I remembered the book I read about controlling behavior, actually I have read several that have touched on or addressed the subject in some manner or another. The first book I read was "do I have to give up me to be loved by you?" by Jordan and Margaret Paul. Patricia Evans has also written books about contolling behaior and verbal abuse however I find she is more of a pesimist when it comes to things and she writes more to the female suffering at the hands of the male. Still the material is insightful, I just can only take so much of the man bashing and have to put the book down. If you are a reader I suggest reading as many books as you can, another must is "love languages" by Gary Chapman. It is mentioned all over these boards.
After reading I suggest journaling to get your thoughts and revalations about yourself and you H and your R with your H on paper and out of your head. Resist the urge to tell your H what you have read and how you feel bad about your behavior in the past. I made this mistake big time, and still do. The impatient person in me wants to say to my W "see I read this book and I am better" it totally negates reading the book and the changes you will make. Actions speak louder than words!!! Also, hide the books when he comes over. Make yourself a better person for you not for him, he has screwed up too and he is equally at fault for where your marriage is at. I don't even know what he did or didn't do but it takes two to tango. DO NOT blame yourself, just make YOU a better YOU. Easy, right???.....Strap in this will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life w/o exception but you WILL succeed and when you get there you will look back and be proud of yourself as will others.
Always look for the positives in everything, they are easy to overlook, always keep a PMA. Also, sometimes the forums get a little down b/c everyone is in the same sitch. Remember this, if all of a sudden things were better in your M, would you be here posting? A lot of people have success but you don't read about it b/c they no longer need the support of the community here. I like to read the success stories for inspiration, I have my favorites and I read them over and over again, it helps.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
missherlove, Thanks for checking on me. I'm going to check into those books. Thanks for all the good advice. I really messed up tonight by checking up on him, but at least he doesn't know that I did it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
As long as he doesn't know or find out, but try to stop it does not put you in the right frame of mind to ultimately "attract" him back you. Focus on you and your kids, it is so hard to do I know. I struggle some days myself. The positive thing here is that you are so early on in your separation and you can turn the sitch to your advantage and ultimately have the marriage you always dreamed of given patience and time. Doing what works, instead of what feels right will get you what you want. Remember PMA!!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
If you are looking for books on control and why we do it, read this book called Control Freak. I read that when my H accused me of being controlling. It was an amazing read, and although I did not consider myself a control freak, learned that I did exhibit some controlling behaviors.
As for patience (as per your Separated post...) don't worry if it is not one of your strong suits. It will become one...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
In the middle of day 4 of not contacting my H, man has it been hard. I will be seeing him tonight though, and I'm scared I'll backslide )-: Is it ok to ask him how his day was? I plan on just keeping it short, or is it better to just say "hi". I'm hoping he doesn't bring up putting the house up for sale, which is when I tend to get emotional. Any advice on what I should say if he does try to talk about that or start R talk? Wish me luck
Together 16 years Married 12 years D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
In the middle of day 4 of not contacting my H, man has it been hard. I will be seeing him tonight though, and I'm scared I'll backslide )-: Is it ok to ask him how his day was? I plan on just keeping it short, or is it better to just say "hi". I'm hoping he doesn't bring up putting the house up for sale, which is when I tend to get emotional. Any advice on what I should say if he does try to talk about that or start R talk? Wish me luck
I'd just keep it short and sweet - hi and bye.
As for house, D, R, you can always say something to the effect of 'we can discuss that in the future' or 'now isn't a good time to talk about it'.
Be strong for yourself and your children. You can do it.
(((mb28))
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
