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First let me say 1st time poster and thank you for any input on my situation.Weve been married for 12.5 yrs togeather for 13.5 total and she is my world.Let me get into the meat of this problem first then fill-in the rest i was a prideful man owned a const.biz and toward the end equated money with love.In april-09 had a dv against my 18 yr old daughter she slap me i pushed her all over her not comeing to the family easter dinner due to a thing i will explain later.Went to the pokey for a brief stay while there my world fell apart.My wife was brought in and ask if i had ever been abusive to her and over the years i had but in feb all hell broke lose you see i thought my wife was cheating on me.You see there were phone calls late at night from men and we got in to a confrontation and i said it was overand to prove it i was going to brake a gift that was given to us for are wedding and she tryed to stop me and got a sprained arm she told the police i had been abusive to her for the last 12 yrs of are marriage so i stayed in the poky a little longer a total of 8 monthes coures i got anger managment and domestic classes and can not speak to her or my girls till this comming april 2010 now for the iceing on my misery my oldest daughter has been dateing a known drug dealer [i have been paying for her pharmacey school for 2 yrs ] and wanted me to accept this man she got pregnat by him ect the whole ball of pain i could not and told her i would not so off she and he went to the police and said i molested her well long story short they investigated and found it to be no way true and dropped it theres more to it the stuff that went on at my home while i was a way .so my wife filed for divorce under the guize i did this to my daughter even after the police cleared me but she did not file till oct 4-09 i went to jail 4-13-09 now she told my father she will talk to me after my ppo and classes are up in april but she also told him she loves me but dont want to stay married to me so im confuesed if it where me and i truely thought my spouce did this i would of filed day one .You see my oldest has with her boyfreind told this lie and now it cant be retracted and i think my wife is caught.Now i could be wrong but since i nolonger stay at the home a whole host of low life kids stay at my home my wife is never there no one is saying where she is staying and my youngest moved out in june and has not been back.Its like my wife has lost it and dont care these kids are shacking up at my home .Which never happened befor my kids where never this way.My house is a mess so if some can give me advice please do i want to save my family and my marriage thank you.She is not talking to me she sometimes talks to my parants my youngest stepdaughter calls my dad and talks to him its like they hate me not a word to me at christmas.If you need more theres alittle more but i would like to say i do not think my wife cheated on me but a couple of months toward the end yes i felt she may have started but i could be wrong for she told me 2 days before all hell broke loose i was her one true love. thank you

I know folks this is a rough stich but i really want to save my marriage im doing everything i can its hard .This is my true love i was wrong with the things that happened my anger was out of contol and i did not believe i needed help PRIDE is a hurtfull thing.I worked alot and now i lost everthing that meant anything to me there my world.Time it runs slow the tears flow my pain is the only thing i know. So a little advice for a confused man.

Not sure how many responses you are going to get here. I've been here a while and seen so many people on the other end of abusive relationships it would be hard to help someone who represents the cause of this pain. If your wife was posting on this board I would suggest she stay as far away from you as possible.

From your own description it sounds like you have earned your time. AS for advice find yourself through counciling, reading, additional anger management courses, etc. Don't even think about talking to your wife until you have cleaned up you own house.

wow...so much going on. let me ask a few questions...

You have been married 13.5 and together 12.5. Is this first marriage for both of you? The 18 yo daughter belongs to who? How many children are there? Stepchildren or yours?

Where are you living?

Where are your wife and children living?

Do you still have your business?

Are you still paying for daughter's college?

First c-bart thank you i respect your thoughts and i am working very hard at changeing.

Second poster thank you as well reside mi,2 great step daughters i love them raised them since 8and 5 ,this is my first her second you see i was seeing her before her first husband past [that is a very inportant aspect to this relationship as well] They are my world i love them deeply as far as college the oldest droped out because she became pregnent and will be haveing the baby in feb.The boy is liveing in my home now with her but my w nolonger likes him as well .He still brings drugs to the house and like i said my home has fliped upside down and is in choas.Yes the biz is on a brake until i get my house[myself in order i am working though as far as there schooling yes and no all they need to do is ask for anything and they got it .There is still a few more curve balls but the bottom line is there my children reguardless of what is to come .Like i said there is more to this no more bad stuff just thing that i need to maybe say that will be relavent but please folks i know i was wrong for a lot of this and i did except the punishment but there where other thing said that never happened and im being punished for it and its not right so i will write more later. thank you again kelly 23 they are my world

Get the DB book and read it. You might find it at the library. Your first 180 is you. Look in the mirror and fix yourself. Ask yourself if you were your W would you want to be in this R. I hear that there are other issues but the only person you can control is YOU. If you make the changes to yourself then good things will follow.

I think the question about where you were living is in relationship to your W. Are you living together or are you S.

Hi inpainstill,
I was on the receiving end of verbal abuse for years & physical abuse after I told him I was leaving & left.

It takes a lot of guts to come here & be honest with those here. That's great.

I personally would forget about DB books until the anger & abuse issues are understood & under control. She is not coming back to an abuser & she shouldn't. Any other woman you attract at this point will be one that will tolerate & trigger that ugly behaviour.

The two books I saw make a difference for my StBX were (in order of importance)
1- "Love without Hurt" by S. Stosny
2- "hold me tight" S. Johnson

both have their own website... google it.

Stosny's stuff is an absolute read for abusers & their partners. He will explain why the anger courses & Marriage counseling actually willl make things worse.

Look up 'antlers' threads.. he was an admitted verbal abuser & used Stosny's stuff to reclaim his compassion & get back in touch with his inner core values.

My counselor always told me that an angry abusive man is a like a junkyard dog... very scared & reacting in a way that protects what he holds most dear.

If you truley love your wife & family.. get the Stosny book read it, implement it. The hold me tightly book comes after you have the issues that lead to your abusive behaviours dealt with, and the DB book during/after that.

It will be a lot of work.. if you are posting here I can see that you want to make some changes. I wish my StBX would have come here & looked for help & resources for him on his journey.

I will keep checking on you.
Peace
Bridge

Hi Inpainstill.

I'm sorry for your situation. But you're in a good place, being here, under the circumstances. You must realize from this point on that you have NO CONTROL over anybody else, especially your wife, other than yourself. That's paramount. So don't even bother trying to control or influence her in any way. The only person you can control is you. That's the bottom line. So keep that in mind.
Sounds like you have much work to do on yourself. So let that be your focus. The stuff with your wife is out of your hands right now. There may be something there in the future, or maybe not. But either way, you have to focus on you and get yourself in a better place. Bridgestone mentioned 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny...that's where I would start.
Read this book, study it, learn what it teaches, and apply it to yourself and your life. Stop concerning yourself with her and what she's doing, and focus on you...because YOU are the only thing that you have any say so over right now. And you, admittedly, know there is work there to do. So start to do it.
There is much good information on this board. Stay here...to learn and vent. Good luck to you.

Thank you guys&gals we are seperated she is liveing 1.5 hrs way from me im not seeing her or bothering her.I miss her and my girls very much i know i need to work on me like i said in april she said we can set down and talk but cannot promise nothing by then my classes as well as the yr long ppo will be up.I have made big strides in my outlook and situation i will do nothing to rock the boat or make it any worst.I love her so much and as i have said i would do 180 and make the change for me as well as her an the girls.They are my world i was not a good husband toward the end.And i will not BS any one here as i know i need the help.

Sounds like a good plan. Not easy so keep us up to date with your progress.