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Thanks Doc. It doesn't help that I have a chest cold and twinges of plueritic type pain. Looking into it now. I should have kept my mouth shut. As far as my M goes, I think I should talk less and act more.

Oh yeah! She did this to herself. I am the one who has acted and continues to act with respect for myself and my family. She did this. She must face it, not me. I can feel good about myself.

The first step is to get rid of the negative feelings. Why do you keep bringing them up?

You seem standoffish?

You are depressed?

Improve her surroundings - you, your family, your home, the atmosphere, the music, smells, sights, feel, and taste of the world you two inhabit. Do it without expectation.

Good news! I've lost 20 lbs. BP is perfect 78 118. I've done good at controlling and releasing my negative emotions. I should not have given power to her anger and pain. Thanks Coach. Your advise speaks to me in a very effective way.

Are you eating and taking care of yourself. Most of us lose weight and its not a good thing to keep doing. Not eating is a sign of depression. Maybe you needed to lose weight but do it properly!

Depression can be a hard thing to recognize for the depressed person. If you see things through a particular lens for so long, you get used to it. It becomes normal and difficult to see as different from anyone else's viewpoint. I've had this particular problem and the one lesson I've learned is to listen to my W and other family when they show concern for my wellbeing.

You're getting a lot of advice about setting your boundaries and general "take charge" kind of stuff. My advice is to show loving concern for her, realizing that she is not fully herself. She may respond positively toward you if she feels you're a safe rock in a turbulent world.

This isn't to say you shouldn't be practical or unrealistic. Extreme behavior shouldn't be rewarded and you should look after yourself, but in the end you want to protect and value your spouse. That's the point of M, even if your partner wants out. It's a tough balance, I know from experience. And it's easy to make mistakes that you'll regret.

I look at it like this: in 5 years my W and I will be together or not, but looking back at "now" how do I want to have acted? Even if we don't reconcile, I want to look back and see that even under the most trying circumstances I at least meant well and tried to be a caring man to the people I loved.

Initially, my weight loss was due to loss of appet and depression. But now it one of my 180s. I am eating well, pleanty of vegetables and fruits. I needed to lose about 30 pounds. I am 2/3 the way there! My W even commented on my weight loss

Thanks for reminding me of a basic tenent of my approach here. No matter what the outcome, I must be able to say in 5 years to my self and my kids, that I did the best I could.

That is what I was trying to say to W last night. You have a problem, I am here for you. Unfortunately, she is tuning out the real message and hearing--yeah, I have a problem--YOU. That's just the way it is right now.

You are so right about keeping a clean concious. I vow from this point to give to the good and starve out the negative feelings in myself. I will also do my best to not take the bait when my W wants to make trouble.

Try saying things in terms of how YOU FEEL as opposed to addressing her problems. People tend to feel attacked when someone talks to them as if they are flawed. They hear accusations. Research communication techniques. It shouldn't be about making anyone feel flawed, but honest expression of feelings.

You don't always get your point across, but you're more likely to to do so when a person's guard isn't up. In the long run, maybe she'll stop hearing that SHE is the problem and start hearing your viewpoint.

Merry Christmas! I'm focused on the kids and a creating happy home. My inlaws are here for dinner so I am being my usual congenial self. W vasilated bt hostility and indifference today. She was unbelievably cruel about gifts. But no matter. I gave a nice thoughtful gift to her. More later.