I think cookie's & your wife's experiences are closer than you are thinking.
What is your role in this? You "want" to give her gifts but just aren't 'good at it"? What if she wants to give you quality time & physical touch.. but thinks she just isn't good at it?
The OM is fulfilling needs that you aren't. period. Step up. Be the rock with boundaries, yet be her soft place to land.
Show her the change you seek.
Originally Posted By: WAI
Underneath her guard and in her heart lies a wonderful person and we could have a great marriage if she could only tear down the walls around her heart and let me in, instead of the OM, who was doing the same thing to his W.
She's thinking.."What will you do to me once I let you in?" That is what she is scared to death of... something you have done keeps you out & lets him in. It could just be due to the 1000 daily cuts that hypervigilant adults who suffered abuse as children get, that the rest of you can let roll off your back without a scratch.
think of her as having a sunburn.. every touch will cause pain. She has to learn how to deal with her own issues, no doubt, but you will need to have great patience & show her you can & will be her comfort, show her a SAFE and COMPASSIONATE leader ...
can you handle it? You're posting here... you got my vote. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Bridgestone: all good points. My role is I have not met her emotional needs for a long time. She didn't meet mine either and it has always been a chicken and egg issue as to whose love bank was empty first. Since I'm here and don't have the abuse baggage she does I see it as my obligation and desire to right the course of the M and I will step up. You are spot on about her being hypervigilant about protecting her heart due to her abuse background.
I like your point about "Step up. Be the rock with boundaries, yet be her soft place to land." That's the part I'm stuggling with. On one hand I hear I need to be stong and work on improving me by GAL and 180 but that seems kind of opposite of being the soft place for her to land and be her safe and compassionate leader. Can you offer specific suggestions how I can do both?
