Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers All signs point to game over!

Well I spent the X-mas holiday with my children at my mothers sans the WAW. It was actually a very nice holiday and being away from the negativity was nice as well. I'm not sure how my WAW handled not being with the S3&D3 for the first time on X-mas but somehow I don't think it was such a big deal to her. She is in such an affair fog that little else seems to matter.

I have scheduled our first session with Mediation on the 31st and I just got off the phone with my attorney and she told me that I will be responible for the entire mortgage and up keep of our current residence once my wife moves out. I couldn't believe it.

She has an affair, files for divorce moves out and I am left holding the bag on the entire mortgage etc. She is not required to pay anything. WTF. My attorney is suggesting that I get her to agree to stay in the house until we can sell it. That is likely to be a tall order given her current mindset with the A. I intentionally scheduled our first Mediation session on New Years eve day to give her something to think about as I am convinced the OM is flying in for a rendevous.

Things are about to get frisky on a legal/financial level. Man I can't tell you how surreal this all is.

Three thoughts to share.

First, what you did with your two children to give them a real Christmas was wonderful. As much as you feel betrayed, imagine how they must feel! Your WAW will always be their mother and so you need to put up a brave front in front of them. You WAW who has served you with divorce papers and has an OM with whom she is having a PA, is a flawed human being, but you still need to not speak ill of her infront of your kids. You will be tempted to tell you kids how bad she has been to you, but don't. It will just hurt them and damage their future chance of a good relationship when they marry.

My second thought/suggestion is that if you don't like the advice you are getting from your attorney, tell them that and ask them why they are saying that and if there is someone else they would recommend if they can't convince you they are acting in your best interest. In saying this I would listen very carefully to what they say. For example you have indicated that you have a drinking problem and you should possibly consider treatement for it. If so, get treatement! Your position in the divorce may be real vulnerable and your attorney may be suggesting what she considers to be the best positions you should strive for. She may be thinking that by paying the mortgage you will have a better chance at either custody or shared custody. Probably shared custody is the best you can hope for considering their age and some of the "fixable problems" you have admitted. Again, ask your attorney why and listen carefully and make sure she explains the why to you in a way that you understand. One of the hard and cruel truths about marital problems is that both partners have had some role in causing the problem. While she is the one who had the affair, she probably would not have sought such attension outside of marriage, unless you weren't giving her something she needed. It is a real break-through when you recognize that you are part of the problem. In your opening post, you implied that you realized that you had some fixable problems, but haven't yet fixed them.

My third thought/suggestion is to focus on making your life happy for you and by you and to focus on your kids and their happiness. You need to figure out what is going to make you happy that doesn't involve your WAW who served you with divorce papers. Take an exercise class at a gym or local community college. Get some used bicyles at Goodwill or the Salvation Army and go bicyling with you and your two kids. Take them for walks. Get a puppy that will provide them with unconditional love that they need and that you need. Figure out how to be happy and make your kids happy without your WAW.

Good luck to you.

Young at Heart thanks for the reply and comments.

I haven't nor will I speak ill of my WAW to my children and yes I do have my moments where I would like to spray but won't happen.

With regard to my attorney she is just telling it like it is and unfortunately the news isn't good for me on this front either. I have a couple choices that are doable 1) ask my WAW to remain in the house and share the cost of the mortgage etc. until the house is sold (could take months) 2) handle the entire mortgage etc. solo with possibly help from my family for the shortfall. Neither option is a pretty one.

As far as my drinking is concerned I did immediately enter a treatment center and haven't had a drink in 65 days and haven't had an urge. I never had what I would characterize as a significant drinking problem but my WAW had problem with it and that is more important than what I thought. She no longer has that complaint in her quiver moving forward.

With regard to custody my WAW has no problem with providing me with joint custody/joint legal custody etc. with a 50/50 split. She never really did. Her behavior toward custody seems borne out of a desire (speculation) to have as much free time to further cultivate her relationship with the OM. He happens to live 2,000 miles away and a weekend get together can be expensive and problematic. I wouldn't be surprised if she was willing to have them for less than 50% of the time which I think most mothers would find unbelievable.

My WAW's other major issues with me were anger management, not helping out around the house more and with the kids. I now do as much around the house or more than she does and when I am home I handle my fair share of the kids as well and enjoy it. My anger issues have generally been related to driving and she has been in car with me maybe two times since she filed and of course I haven't shown any anger.

I am without a doubt culpable in creating an environment that may have allowed the door to open for this affair to have taken root. I won't, however, take the blame on WAW's decision to take the bait. Hindsight is 20/20 but I can't change the past as much as I wish I could now.

As far as GALing is concerned I've always been fairly active. I take most Saturday's and go Mt. Biking or hiking with friends. I have also started to lift weights again to help put some weight back on that I lost from stress and lack of appetite that struck when the bomb hit. As for the kids they got their first bikes for X-mas and I'll be teaching them how to ride this Sunday. We have a dog that they both seemed to enjoy quite a bit. We had a very nice little family that by all appearnces was the ideal family to me and those that know us. My WAW obvioulsy had a different view and the apple cart has been tipped. Thanks again.

You sound like you have things really well under control.

Congratualtions on taking charge of your drinking. Even if it wasn't an issue, you now have something you can point to if the divorce process gets nasty that says this is not a problem, even if it never was a problem. You might also talk to your attorney to see if an anger management course would help position you should the divorce process get nasty. One of my greatest fears is that I like to collect old firearms and have a fair collection. If my wife wanted to get nasty and lie about me, I could find myself with our crazy laws loosing my right to own any firearms, even though I have never done anything against the law. Nasty divorces sometimes result in people doing evil things just to hurt the other person. Unfortunately, the courts really aren't always interested in justice. Be careful.

I am glad that you are also getting a life, and the life you are getting includes your kids.

As to the past, it is the past. I know that the problems in my R were partly due to me and partly due to my wife. While you were betrayed, remember that she will put a different spin on things and feel that you forced her into do the unthinkable. While it isn't true, it could be the way she views things.

Again, it sounds like you have the bases covered and are not communicating with your attorney.

Good luck to you and your two young children.

Remember that as hard as this is on you, it has be be devistating on them. You at least have sufficient life experience to place this in context of what has happened to people you know. Your children don't have that and will be worried.

With your attitude you will come out of this.

I'm trying to keep things as controlled as possible. The drinking issue is now a non-issue. The WAW has no ammunition to work with on the anger management stuff except to find ways to justify her A.

Thus far the D is just getting underway and hasn't truly turned nasty but by there nature it could very well get ugly. Especially if she adds insult to injure and refuses to work with me on the mortgage and other housing expenses prior to selling it.

It is diffuclt to tell if the kids really know what is going on, they are not quite 3 yet and all of us currently live under the same roof. My work schedule see's me out the door before 8:00 and returning after 6:00. The WAW has been out of work since Sept. and we have a nanny that handles the kids 8-6 m-f.

How this D is going to effect the kids is the most disconcerting aspect of this entire crisis. The WAW has put that reality on the backburner of her mind and feels they will be just fine.

My desire to save the marriage is weighted strongly on what is best for the kids. I want them to have a traditional upbringing not being shuttled back and forth for years to come.

Unfortunately my WAW seems so far gone in this A that nothing will stop this D from reaching fruition.

As hard as this is on me I am confident that I will emerge from this mess okay. Time will tell.

Well I was informed by my attorney that my STBX will not be responsible for any of the mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities or up keep associated with our home when she moves out in the next few weeks. The court views it as me having exclusive possession of the home and as such she is not obligated to pay for anything. Amazing!

She files for divorce, I uncover the affair which she lied about not having, she than makes the decision to move out (which I was more than happy to see) and not by choice but by default I now have exclusive possession and the associated expense all to myself.

I have been waiting to receive DR for over a week now with out luck. However, I have been actively DBing for over a month now using techniques I have gleamed from this forum.

I have primarily been giving my wife a wide berth and making myself scarce. I have limited communication with her to children based conversation. I have not made any attempt to initiate any other conversation but I am pleasant and for the most part cheerful in my replies to any conversation she initiates beyond child rearing talk.

I missed the boat on establishing boundries and I'm not sure if I really was in position to establish any given the fact that she filed for D and I uncovered the A a couple of weeks later. The A has picked up significant momentum even given the long distance nature of it (see my initial post for details). My STBX purchased a web cam about a month ago to help bridge the distance gap and I wonder if I should have put a stop to that.

The D is moving along primarly becausing I am pushing it foward through Mediation. I don't feel I have any other leg to stand on to show her that her A is unacceptable to me. It seems to me that she would have allowed the D proceedings to linger in limbo had I not pushed for Mediation and continued to keep the ball rolling. In my heart I still very much lover her and still wish we could reconcile, however, she seems determine to end the M. The three comments she has made to me that resonate in my head are "I have moved on", "I am seeing this through" and "we will live seperate lives. I haven't seen anything to suggest she has budged off this line.

Am I making a mistake by pushing the D along or is this my only real move given the current state of affairs? She will be moving out in a couple of weeks, should I put the responsibility on her to keep the D moving along at that point?

My plan when you moves out is to go dark on her but it really seems as if that will suit her just fine as we barely see each other or talk as it is now. I am living in the spare bedroom downstairs while she is in our master bedroom. We have two children S3 D3 in the mix and temporary custody/visitation will likely be arranged at Mediation tomorrow. As a result there will be some contact during handoff's etc. All though most if not all of these may be through our Nanny.

Also, I am virtually certain that the OM is coming to town for to ring in the New Year with my STBX. This whole thing has me in a funk. I'm not letting on that I am anything but happy and moving on myself however. At least I believe I am projecting this.

I could use some DBing advice from the pro's here as I am lost on what my moves should be. I have been doing 180's and GAling but I haven't noticed any really changes in her behavior, except for the first night I went "out". I got myself groomed up, put on nice clothes and splashed on some cologne and went and had dinner and hit a movie (solo). I didn't get home until after midnight and I noticed she was still up with the light on in her room. The next morning I got up early (5:00 am) and headed off for the day with my buddies in Mnts. When I got home she was dealing with the kids and was clearly irritated. She didn't make mention of my night out but it rattled her and she went on the offensive. She claimed I was effing with her. I said how? She wouldn't expand. She than told me "go ahead and roll the dice go ahead see what happens. The implication being she would make the D proceedings difficult. I never lost my cool and acted like I had no idea what she meant by "roll the dice".

Any advice or suggestions please?

Since you will have exclusive possession of the home then make for damn sure she signs the deed over to you and put it in writing that she is not entitled to any of the proceeds should you sell the home.

Also let her know you won't be offering any spousal support and if she does not agree to that you decline mediation and will proceed forward with judicial intervention. It is then you will expose the courts to her affair.

Who cares what she meant by "roll the dice". Let her know you don't gamble nor play games when it comes to you and your children and you are fully prepared to do exactly what you deem necessary to ensure a solid future. Any further legal talk should be done between attnys.

Hey City Girl,

I would love for her to sign over the deed of trust without her receiving any of the equity we currently have in the home which is substantial. However, I was informed she is entitled to 50% of the equity at the time of sale. Which is actually fair. However, I feel her share of the equity should be reduced by the amount of additional mortgage, taxes etc I am assuming until the sale of the home can be completed. I am be told that that is also not how it is done. I will need to negotiate some kind of equitable solution directly with the infidel during Mediation.

With regard to exposing the affair in court that will have zeor impact on the D proceedings as California is a no fault state. She could have a half dozen affairs working simultaneously and it would have zero impact on the D. Isn't that nice.

Her "roll the dice" threat is a hollow one as she has no additional leverage in this D over me.

One of the things I forgot to mention in my previous posts is my belief that she is suffering the mother of all MLC's. She has lost over 65 lbs in the last 6 months and over that same period of time has been spending a significant amount of our money with a cosmetic dermatologist on bowtox (sp), restylene etc. During this make over she had indicated to me how people are treating her so differently and I am sure she was getting plenty of attention for the opposite sex that she found very flattering. She does look the best she has in many many years. She ultimately took the bait from the OM and the rest is history.

I understand the courts (in most states anyways) don't rule financial settlements based on morality. The idea is exposure and all the hoopla that is associated with exposing an affair via the court system. Her family, friends and children will know and pending how you file it will be on public record for all to see (or I should say that is how it works in my state).

Just because the law states something that is not necessarily how things *have* to be. I really had to adopt the mindset that my financial future will not be dictated by a man that walked out on our marriage to conduct his affair. I made it very clear I would accept no less than ample compensation for the 10 years of marriage I participated in and that didn't sound good to him then I was fully prepared to take any steps necessary to be sure I got exactly what I needed and wanted.

This was not a short, stress fee or easy "battle" but in the end I did not back down. In the end our settlement was such that he will be paying my health/dental and vision insurance for the next 3 years, he pays me spousal support and will for the next three years, he is responsible for all my legal fees and credit card debt, I kept the apartment and everything in it aside from 2 pieces of furniture he owned pre-marriage and I was granted 80% of our assets. I will also remain as the sole beneficiary to all his life insurance policies until his obligations to me are paid in full (medical insurance and spousal support).

He did keep our car and I only let him do that because my mom gave me her old car when she got a new one last year (and I never shared this info with him as he didn't even have the courtesy to ask me how I was getting around).

I tell you all this because my state considered my marriage to be "vintage" as it reached the 10 year mark. Typically for a vintage marriage the split of assets is 40/60. So, what the law says isn't always how things *have* to go!

My H refused mediation so I also had that working in my favor and while it is his legal right to decline mediation and he cannot be forced to participate it didn't look good for him in court.

Think about what you said. She has spent lots of money on procedures that certainly are not classed as necessary. Did she use joint funds? Squandering joint assets is never a good thing!

Yeah she used joint funds but all those procedures were done and paid for prior to her filing for the D. And to be perfectly honest about it I was supportive and agreeable to it. My attitude was if it makes her happy then I to will be happy. Little did I know that she was preparing herself for the market. I do believe this may well have been a strategic escape plan to find a another suitable man and bail on the marriage. I don't believe the weight loss and dermo procedures were initially started with and escape plan in place but I believe it morphed into this over the months. I could be wrong and I am better off not speculating. She had been a wonderful wife and mother to my children (and remains so) and that I cannot deny.

I think she is quite confused, although she seems perfectly lucid and apparently convinced she is dong the right thing. She hasn't shown the slightest bit of remorse for the A and to the contrary seems to take some pleasure in rubbing it in my face. She has accomplished this recently by leaving a printed sexually explicit email thread between her the OM out for me to discover. In addition upon her return from a recent trip out to see the OM where he lives she had several new books related to sexual exploration prominently display in her bedroom. She truly has exhibited a cruel side that I never new existed.

I'm not sure where this A will go but I have to admit that part of me (a large part) wants it to blow up in her face sooner rather than later. This may be a bad attitude on my part but I can't denty it.