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So I think I basically have to file for divorce. A legal separation doesn't hold any weight with regards to enforcement. It makes me really sad that she is forcing my hand like this. LIke a 16 y/o having a tantrum, leaving damage in her wake, only to realize it much later.

I still don't want a divorce at this point. But I don't see any option other than filing ASAP. Can I delay it as we go along and still get the benefits of the court enforcement? I am also going to make her pay for her own attorney, bills, etc as of now.

Any thoughts? She is coming over today to hang out, leaving tonight, then returning tomorrow.

Norse

Get all the facts on what a D in your state entails (how long, custody, money, etc.)

She might be surprised how little she gets from you if she has no expenses.

Hanging out?! That's going to be tough, no alcohol while she is there, have someone call you and you take it while she is there. Have two wine glasses drying in the sink.

Cheers

Have a happy holiday Norse. Don't let this ruin it for you.

My bias is to never loose a battle of wills to a 16 y/o...especially if my boys are watching. I would play hard ball, for what it's worth.

You're going to have to trust your attorney's judgement regarding the benefits/costs of filing sooner rather than later. If you have so little trust in her that you need the law behind you, then file. The best interest of your boys should be your guide in making this decision.

Tomorrow (today, your time) be gracious and civil for the sake of your boys. Defer any relationship or divorce talk to the attorneys. Since she made such a show of having an attorney, let her put her money where her mouth is.

Last, but not least, document everything that she says and does. Connect the dots, i.e. skin tag removal and brazilian shave job. Even though your state is a no-fault state, the law is still applied by human judges who have some discretion.

Happy (barf) Hollidays Norse.

Nut

Thanks Nut. I've been sick today, woke up with Strep and had to find a pharmacy early today to get some meds in me. I think the stress has been getting to me.

So today she came over. She went out and got my meds, which was nice, but neither here nor there. We had a discussion about her taking the boys with her tonight, esp. since I'm sick. I don't want them getting sick. But it was really hard to let her take the boys, esp. since she is taking them to dbag's house. I'm wondering if it will take some wind out of her sails now that I "let" that happen.

We talked a little. She hedges on everything. "I'm not sure if I do want a divorce" and "everyone is telling me to go talk to someone." When I asked her how she plans on paying for her attorney, she said she is going to take money out of one of her 401Ks. I told her that was a terrible idea. I think she is starting to realize the gravity of the situation. She can't afford an apartment. She said she has one picked out (near Dbag's house, I'm sure) but it costs one of her two paychecks per month.

It just seems so stupid to me. She's doing so much damage to her reputation, our marriage, the kids, etc. All for a dbag (and, I discovered today that this is now his second divorce, and he just turned 40. Nice guy).

She said they both informed their bosses at work of their love affair. Not sure what that means to me if anything.

I guess I am feeling like I'm the one stuck with making the decision here. She almost seems pathetic in my mind when I think about how immature she has been being about everything. There's no way she can live on her own. And she's living with dbag now and thinking that that is her only option. She just isn't smart about anything right now.

She said she's seeing her attorney Tuesday, and she's open to collaborative proceedings. Do I wait for her? Or do I quickly put my lawyer on retainer and serve her papers (even after her "thaw" in mood today)?

Confused, and sad about how pathetic her life is right now.

By the way, Merry Christmas to everyone on these forums. I wouldn't be as strong as I am without the help of everyone here. It's always nice to know that other people understand what I am going through. Because most people sure as hell don't!

Norse

This is where you get to be the grown-up and make the decision based on what is best for your boys and you. I suspect that you've been like a lot of my doctor friends--they bring in the $$ and let their spouses make the family decisions. I'm not critical of that arrangement because M.D.s have a lot on their plate. When it breaks down, however, the M.D. involved is often not ready to make the necessary decisions. Unfortunately you now have to be superman. You can do it...you made it through residency after all.

Don't worry about what she may be thinking...you're wrong (even if you're right). Make your decisions based on your own value system. You have to be true to yourself. That's the only way you'll be able to look your boys in the eye.

Nut

Do not let her get your meds again. That gives her information to use against you. You do not want her attorney knowing if you take a Xanax. You have to think of her as the enemy until she proves differently. This is very difficult in that you have trusted her to take care of many of the seemingly insignificant details of your family life. There are no longer any insignificant deatails.

Be strong.

Nut

Actually, Nut, I think I do most of the family decision making. I mean, I did all the grocery shopping, I handled all the bills (even though she's a banker...), I did the dishes, etc. I did all our investing. Only thing she really did is laundry and cook every now and then. And spend money.

Im not worried about her using my meds against me. I don't take anything psychotropic, though there's nothing wrong with that. I actually think I'll stand up well to a character debate if that comes about.

I woke up today feeling a bit better. Took a bath, am doing some writing, and then I just tried to contact her to see when she will be bringing the boys back home. She has her phone off. It was on all day yesterday.

I'm so tired of this kind of crap. She acts all nice, I allow her to take the boys, and she now is not available. It drives me crazy worrying about my boys.

Norse

Her being unavailable by phone just really sets me off. It's hard to concentrate knowing that her phone might be off all day, night, etc.

Ugh! It's hard to distract myself even.

If I file on Monday, what does that process look like? What are the steps involved? She has her first lawyer meeting on Tuesday. I just feel so out of control with regards to protecting my kids. It literally eats me up.

Any advice welcome.

Norse

The phone being off is a boundary issue (a control issue for her).

Let her know you would prefer that she keeps her phone on while she has the kids, as their father you need to have the ability to get in touch with them when needed. Document it. Put it in a e-mail after the conversation.