You made me LAUGH with the Ray Ramano thing!!!! Sometimes my h is that dense!!!
I was reading a book by Dr Phil McGraw called Relationship Rescue. And in it he says that we live a lifestyle that sets us up for treatment like name calling from our spouses. I think I can see mine in that I didn't stand up to him before about it...wasn't agressive enough in stopping the behavior was too nice. Now that I stand up I'm labeled too rigid. I've had my h bring me back once on our date when he spoke to me rudely. He was shocked too but quickly turned it back on me by saying that I shouldn't be asking where he took the boys to lunch...like I don't think he feeds them! It's always about ME and how bad I am which makes him a bad husband?! Huh?!!!
He makes me believe some times like I'm the WORST wife, person! like i'm awful and being married to me was like a prison sentence!!!! I've got to detach from him that is all I'm thinking now!!! at least before my brain explodes with all this thinking!!!!
Quote: So you are saying just agree to his wanting the divorce and that all the stuff he says is wrong with our marriage is correct? That would be a 180 since I hate that he continually blames me! Feel like I have to defend myself. I'll do this...agree with what he says and end the conversation quickly. Most times he doesn't want to talk at all to me about anything.
Maybe you don't have to "agree" with EVERYTHING he says, but trying the 180 of not "defending yourself" might be worth a shot?
What would be at least one thing that, even though you might not "agree" with him on, you might be able to say that you can understand why he might feel that way?
When you've been less defensive about things in the past, what kinds of positive differences has this made in how he feels your discussions have gone?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I'm thinking it is a MLC because he just turned 35, suffers from depression, and body ailments when he's confronted with our R.
Quote: Look back honestly and what got you two to the point of him saying he wanted to stay married? And more importantly what happened to make him now change?
Well he got to that point after I left him totally alone and invited him to stuff and when he said no I made it clear I was going without him. I guess just acting as if what he did didn't matter to me...I was going to have fun.
Quote: Are there conversations you two have had that spark a reaction with him? Pushing his buttons? Pursuing? '
Yes, I push his buttons when I ask about US. He says I didn't do enough of the right pursuing like leaving him messages on his answering machine, kissing him, hugging him, saying positive things about his changes etc. I think the big mistake I made was asking him out but not waiting by my phone for him to call. He chose not to call my mobile though which was weird...he said if I call him from my house I need to be there on THAT phone to hear from him! My sister said he called my phone 30 times that night!!! I guess being consistent in my behavior as far as doing what I say I'm going to do would help him.
Quote: One other thing, if you do file for an extension, I would tell him before he gets it.
Yes, I'll leave him a message about the extension.
Thanks for your help, Water! The fog has lifted from my mind and I can see where I need to go now. Thanks everyone!
Quote: Maybe you don't have to "agree" with EVERYTHING he says, but trying the 180 of not "defending yourself" might be worth a shot?
I defend myself way too much and I guess he sees that as my not wanting to be wrong or admiting that I'm at fault in the marriage. Maybe I'm just saying it wrong but I do admit my faults. I do admit when I'm wrong and apologize. I must not be validating enough. How do I do validate the statement "we never had anything but money and sex"?
Quote: What would be at least one thing that, even though you might not "agree" with him on, you might be able to say that you can understand why he might feel that way?
I can understand what he means when he says that our marriage was only about money and sex. It was lonely and it did feel like that to me too. We were just not clear on what else we wanted in our marriage to be happy. I try to get him to see that we should expand on what we have now...going out having fun, talking more. When he says ugly stuff, I say yes that is how I saw it too and then try to bring him around to the changes we've made so far and how we can continue those positives. But he's not willing right now to go there.
Quote: When you've been less defensive about things in the past, what kinds of positive differences has this made in how he feels your discussions have gone?
When I'm less defensive, he definitely feels listened to and ok to share his true feelings. It's hard though to sit there and listen to so much negativity. After about 15 minutes of all my awful traits being listed, I call a halt and ask well what is your solution to the problem or what can I do different? He says leave me alone or give me the divorce are his solutions to the problems. He withdraws rather than try to fix the problem. I continue to try to change as best I can but run into the wall of his unclear expectations and conditions of what he's willing to do. It's frustrating because I think I'm doing well then slam into the surprise of Ah, Ah you messed up because I didn't tell you I didn't like that!!!
So now I'm resorting to treating him like I want to be treated...trying to be his friend, leaving encouraging messages, applauding the changes I'm seeing, staying away from R talks and if we do have R talks keeping it light and breaking off when he gets mad or appears to be upset. I ACT AS IF but he's real withdrawn so far. We slept together Monday night but he says now that won't be happening again. And so now I'm left in a quandry about where to go with this. He sends lots of mixed signals so I'm unsure as to withdraw or pursue! he's definitly said no more talks about us so I won't go there. The rest of what I'm able to do remains unclear. I know that he's mad but still acts like he wants me to ask him out. Confusing?
Quote: It's hard though to sit there and listen to so much negativity. After about 15 minutes of all my awful traits being listed, I call a halt and ask well what is your solution to the problem or what can I do different? He says leave me alone or give me the divorce are his solutions to the problems. He withdraws rather than try to fix the problem.
What if you didn't get into this circular conversation with him. In a loving way tell him that you are sorry he feels that way and that you are not as bad as all that, and you would welcome a constructive conversation about this. And then LEAVE him alone. Just walk away, go inot the next room, load the dishwasher. Go shopping, go for a drive. whatever works.
I've gotten a lot of helpful suggestions today which I am grateful for. Your suggestion is good and worth a try...it's different from what I've been doing. Anything different at this point is worth a try, I guess! Thanks!
Also, cfronk, give some consideration to how big of a factor that the "blame game" might be in some of your "circular" interactions together. I'm almost seeing that there might be a lot of "cause-hunting", and "attack/defend" positions happening between the two of you. Maybe not a lot of them on your part, but it looks like it's happening just the same.
Give some thought to more ways you might be able to short-circuit this pattern, to de-emphasis what's going wrong, and place more weight onto what things are going right.
Remembering, also, that actions speak louder than words.
Hang in there, my dear. A lot has happened lately, but I think you're dealing with it very well! I'm still not convinced that he's really ready for things to be over between the two of you. I see him as wanting things to be "fixed", but he's just not sure how to do it. That's where all the hard work you're doing might be able to help lead him in the right direction.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks for the encouragement about him not seeming to want it to be over! I really need to hear that because he's so standoffish right now.
I've written down all the suggestions I've gotten today and will start doing them.
I've contacted my attorney about getting a 6-months extension. I'm scared about what he's going to say and do. His mom suggested saying "I would love to talk about this but am really busy and I have to go". If he asks what I'm doing I'll say that I'm leaving and end the call. BREAK THE CIRCULAR PATTERN!!!
I have a plan now thanks to my friends here and feel a lot more hopeful than I did this morning! Thanks!
My attorney emailed me yesterday that my H was hounding her all day about when the final decree would be typed up. My attorney says we can attempt the continuance see if the judge will approve but we run the risk of my h showing up and shooting it down. Should I do the continuance?
