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Thats so good to hear Rocked, my H is back at home except for he few days he is away doing his course, he has told all my family who live down there we are back together, just wish he sounded more enthuasiastic, perhaps that will come in time! I know how you feel struggling with your hurt, I just wish he would have come and talked to me and then maybe we wouldnt have ended up going down the horrible road..

Hi Rabbit,
I think we have to patient for our H's to fully embrace their decision to re-commit to the M. I know my H has communicated that. I would like it to be all fixed and better and for us to be loving, affectionate and have lots of fun togehter. And, that is coming.... but there is lots in the way for both of us to be healed. Patience....
But at least we both have our H's home for the holidays, something to be thankful for isn't it?
Hope your Christmas is wonderful!

Wonderful, rocked. You're looking to be in a very good place now. There may be ups and downs, I well remember similar stuff / reflections in my sitch, some backsliding through the months etc. But you sound so well equipped to handle that and I'm very happy for you!

Hi Deep!
I've been wondering how you are doing? Any new tremors in Deep Land or is it smooth sailing right now? How is your W and baby doing? When is the due date?

Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas with many blessings!
Rocked

Tremors? Umm does that include being kicked out of the bedroom? haha, well it's S5 who kicked me out. I was having the flu and slept in the spare room just in case and he's enjoying his time snuggling with mom. It's still a long journey and we have stuff to work through (Ms will never be static eh?), but it's going good right now. If anything, I'm working on issues for me.

Looks like the baby will see in 2010 or thereabouts.

Wishing you and your family a blessed Christmas that you will look back on 30 years from now and give thanks together with your H!

Thanks Deep... same to you!

Looking forward to hearing news of the arrival of the newest little Deep! :-)

I am just journaling here because I am having trouble sleeping. Not sure why.
The holidays seem to be triggering a lot. H and I were having a nice evening together, a movie came on and it had a plot that involved an A. I got so triggered, it shocked me. I had to leave the room. I had a wave of emotion rush over me... Fortunately, it was time to pick up S15 at a friend's house so I took the long route and vented my feelings while driving. By the time I picked up S15 and then got home it had mostly passed. H knew, though, and asked how I was doing, and even looking for reassurances like, "you are still sticking with me right?" I said, "if you are good to me I will."

Anyway... the intensity of the trigger shocked me. I don't know if it is the holidays, or if this is just normal when our piecing is still so new.

Also - for people who have been piecing longer.. does that ever go away? Will i be triggered like that for ever? And, does the intensity of thinking about your WAS with someone else ever lessen? Sometimes it still shakes me to the core, I feel I can't breathe. I swear I am an emotionally and psychologically healthy person (my IC says so anyway... lol) but in those moments i seriously have thoughts that if I didn't have kids I don't know if I want to live. It passes... and of course I am NOT suicidal... please don't worry about me! But, the emotional pain is so excruciating sometimes you just don't want to face it anymore. Anyone else feel this?

OK... now I think I can sleep since I got that off my chest...

Hi Rocked! Yes, those triggers do suck. Do they ever go away? I'll let you know if I ever get there.

I can tell you that the intensity and duration become less and less as time goes on. And if your H is understanding what you're going through, it will help speed up that process. It just takes time.

And get ready, some times I'm triggered by the stupidest stuff. I mean, the obvious things you expect, but sometimes just something out of the blue. I have a hard time watching certain shows on t.v. now, because of the A's that are part of the story line. Other's I can watch because they show the harm that A's cause.

I had mentioned on my thread one of those times when W and I were at Disney in Nov. We were heading out of one of the parks and W asked if I cared if she had a smoke before we left. Of course I didn't care, so W says "There's a smokers area right over here". And it HIT ME HARD. That's the smokers area she ran off to call OM for an hour when we were at Disney a few years back and was hot and heavy in the middle of her A. We were having a great day that day and I was seeing signs of my old W back (so I thought) and then she's gone for an hour calling/TM'ing OM.

No idea why it hit me so hard this past time, because we've been to Disney 4 or 5 times since and this particular smokers area many times and it's never bothered me before, but this time, Whoa. And I'll tell you what. W noticed something was wrong, asked me about it and after I told her she looked at me with some pain in her eyes and said "I'm so sorry". And that's pretty much all it took to get me over that one.

And the images of them together lessen over time also. Again, don't get me wrong, I still have them, but they're no where near as intense or last as long. One thing I've tried to do is think to myself 'ya know, neither one of us were virgins when we married, so why does the sex between OM and her bother me where her previous experiences don't?' And it does help some.

I've also found that those triggers happen more often when there's something else bugging me about the pace of our recovery or something has happened that taps into my insecurity of the sitch.

I've been told that eventually those triggers go away. I'm still waiting....but on another website, a LBS told me that she and her H were eventually able to laugh and joke about OW and when you get to that point, the triggers are pretty much non-existent.

Hope this helps Rocked. Our family is going back to our hometown for a couple days for Christmas. I hope your Christmas is a GREAT one. But be ready, there'll be some times in the next couple days where the emotion of it all hits you. It did me last night. W and I were wrapping presents and I had to choke back some tears because just a year ago I didn't know if we'd be together for another Christmas, let alone many more. W didn't notice, but it was a pretty good feeling.

Just wanted to wish you a wonderful Xmas Rocked!

Thanks H4U and Rabbit,
I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas as well.
H4U, thanks so much for your input. It is very helpful. I know I will likely have many more triggers over the next few days. I already have been throughout the day. All the things that have been traditional in our family, just doing them, makes me emotional wondering what it would have been like if things hadn't turned around like they did a few short weeks ago. It is such an odd experience... the extreme gratitude that he is here with us, fully part of things just like the past 19 years.... then combined with the waves of intense anger and hurt that wash over me that make me want to kick him out any minute. *sigh* I know it will get better. It is something that will always be with us.

Anyway, he is here and the kids are so happy, and it is a day to celebrate,which is what I am going to do. So, as I fill my third rum and eggnong.... cheers and Christmas blessings to you all!
Rocked

Well....
H has definitely moved things up a notch in moving towards healing and getting farther with our piecing.
I am still all choked up...
Not only did I get some wonderfully naughty items that make me feel wanted again after so much rejection...

But... later, he took me aside for the special gift. First, a card that said so much. I won't repeat it word for word, but basically making amends and professing love and that he now believes and trusts that we are meant to be together. Anyone who followed my sitch knows that was the main theme of his script during the A... that he had come te believe we were not meant to be together. He gave me the Willow Creek statue of the couple with the man holding the woman and the woman cradling his cheek in her hand.... my favorite. It was the most meaningful thing he could give me and he knew it.

We both cried, held each other, cried some more.

Considering where things were at only a few weeks ago, I am so grateful and amazed that this happened.

H said how I have handled this sitch has showed him the truth of who I am, the quality of person I am, and the gift I am in his life.

Wow.... about f'ing time he realized that! lol

I think Rocked's World just might be rockin' and rollin' tonight...

Merry Christmas everyone!