Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again One day at a time....

No, I have not read these books, but have heard a few people mention them. They are on my list to get. I don't know if H would be willing... he is still in that initial stage where he is not fully out of the fog. His guilt and/or depression that I think pre-existed the A get in the way of him being able to fully face things at times.... but it's always worth a try



Yes, this was not well received at first... but H has given me password info for phone and email and is generally good about keeping in touch from work etc. BUT... prior to A H was always the type of man who wanted a lot of time to himself, privacy etc. It was never an issue before because I trusted him absolutely and completely. Prior to this OW I never had a reason to have concerns. Now that I do, H has a hard time letting go of his need for privacy, time alone etc. Even though he KNOWS he forfeited those rights... he gets it... he just doesn't like it. So, I will get resistance, sour moods etc. This is part of my frustration... you would think he would be bending over backwards to accomodate me at this point! Sometimes he does.... but he is still in a pretty self-absorbed place which I think has to do with the depression etc. Ugh...





OK so this is one of my questions. Do the DB principles apply in the same way in the piecing stage? I am struggling with this. H seems to like it when I iniate contact during the day, plus me calling or texting at times is giving me a way to do a bit of a 180 because one of the things he said was a problem prior to the A and in the beginning stages of the EA was that I was "unavailable", busy with the kids, my job, etc. and OW was showering him with attention, pursuing, making him feel wanted etc. So, in the piecing process I am trying to do more of that... but not sure when it is pursuing, etc. Aaaaarghh... I am so confused about this part!



Yes, we have discussed this. For the most part, H does this. That is one of the reasons I was thrown off that day... because I hadn't heard a thing from him that day other than that one text response and there was no call after work. It was unusual. H says he just wasn't thinking about that, he was focused on some errands he wanted to run after work and then was planning to head home. I discussed with him how much I need that contact. I don't think he fully gets it, or again likes it. But, that is too bad. I feel like I have to keep saying the same things over and over again and we are both getting frustrated by that.




I know I have given him too much info about how I found out certain things. I tell you, he is/was extremely persistent about wanting to know those things. I should have stood my ground. I am learning a lot in this process about that, and it is soooo hard for me. I am growing and learning a lot.
I know what you are saying about being the mature person in this sitch. Let me tell you, I am so tired of doing that already. I know from everything I have read that is just the way it is. The LBS has to deal with so much injustice on so many levels. It sucks! I have my moments, which actually seem to be more frequent where I wonder if it is worth it. Then, I look at my kids, I remember the man I loved for over 20 years prior to this, and I soften. But, oh I have my moments!



I know. That sitch that night took me back to the height of my anxiety when the A was in full swing. But, I learned the hard way during that time that this was the wrong way to handle things. The idea of writing it down might help. I will try that.

I know you are right this is the first of many bumps along the way. I think I need to go back to my solution journal that I started when I first read DR and write down some of my personal goals for the piecing process... the specific areas I need to work on and change in our R. I need to stop reacting, think, plan and act. That was what I learned during the A and it was a difficult process but I did it! And, I really believe that is a big part of why H came back to me and ended the A. I need to get back to that. I need to just get over the injustice of it, suck it up and do it anyway.

Thanks Pearl! This has been very helpful!

Hi Rocked,

Both Hope and PH have given you great advice.

The 2 books that PH mentioned are very good. I read them both myself while H's PA was still going on. H claims to have read "After the Affair" after his PA ended and he was in a terrible state emotionally. I don't think he read all of it and I do want us to read it together when the time is right.

Coincidentally, H and I started reading part of Not Just Friends last week. There's a chapter in there on healing together and another one on forgiveness. I've read some of it aloud to H twice and we've discussed. We do this in small chunks no more than a half hour at a time. H says it's very hard for him to hear all this but I've told him that most of what's in there is exactly what I'm going through/have gone through and that it's sometimes difficult to express verbally exactly what I'm feeling. This way we both have an understanding of what the other is going through and we can discuss the points that we feel we need to address. He's still a little reluctant but has agreed to do this knowing it's very important to me. You may want to suggest reading one of the books with your H and see how he responds. If he's against it, leave it and try again down the road.

Thanks Addie,
I think that is a good approach. This is all still very new and fresh for us. He just ended the A on Nov. 27 and things are still fragile and hard for both of us. With the Christmas season, I think we are both trying to not trigger each other. After the holidays, I will look for those books and try to approach it that way, a bit at a time.

Also - we had started to see a MC when the A was going on, and I thought it was only an EA. Of course that didn't work because neither I nor the MC knew what was really happening. H has agreed that in the new year we should go back to MC. I think that might help to discuss some of these things too.

OK I have one more question that I would appreciate input on.

My H has been coming to terms with some of the realities of the dysfunctions in his R with OW and her own personal dysfunctions. Since ending the A H told me (rather sheepishly because he is quite ashamed by it) that OW actually treated him really badly. He has had to come to terms with wondering if she might be mentally ill, have a personality disorder etc. Some of the behaviors he described to me are pretty shocking to me, and I am still stunned that my H put up with this, allowed himself to be treated like this, and for almost a year chose this over me.

But... as I've read more about A's people often are drawn to someone the opposite of their spouse and this is certainly the case. I am pretty soft spoken, gentle, caring... etc. OW is aggressive, abusive, but also extremely outgoing, fun, flirty, adventurous etc. (which is the part he was drawn to obviously).

Anyway.... My question is about my H's process in coming to terms with this. He is in IC and is doing a lot of this processing there. But, he still needs to talk with me sometimes about OW and all these negatives. He tells me it helps him tremendously to detach from her to do this with me, because he needs to see my strong reactions, to remember how "aggregious" everything was. He says she had a way of "normalizing" her bizarre and abusive behaviors and he is finding it hard to break out of that and remember what normal, healthy R's are like again.

So, to me it feels like he is almost "obsessed" with this at the time. He has maintained NC since ending the A. She has attempted contact but he has ignored. But, he wants to talk about OW and the A a lot. It is mostly the negatives.... but it is, of course hard for me.

He is good about respecting it when I've had enough or find it too hard. And, I do tell him when that is the case.

Is this normal? Is this part of his grieving/letting go process? Do I just wait it out? Should I be worried that he is still talking about her so much?

Any feedback would be great! Thanks!

I wouldn't say it is "normal". From what I've read and heard from others who have gotten back together, is that most WAS are reluctant to talk about the A and OP unless the LBS brings it up. Most would rather sweep everything under the rug. But if this is how your H is able to deal with what happened and able to let go, then I don't think it's a bad thing. He's going to IC and is trying to deal with it all. Just calmly let him know that right now you can only handle hearing about OW for short periods of time.

Rocked, the way you described yourself and OW is exactly how I'd describe myself and my H's OW. Also, my H's OW was in her mid 20's and H was 45 at the time. I think all those things you mentioned about your H is was what attracted my H at the time. H's OW also suffered from depression and was very dysfunctional. What Hope4us was saying on another thread about the WAS affairing down is very true in most sitchs.

Thanks Addie,
My IC also said that the fact that my H is willing/able to talk about OW and the A so easily with me is a good sign of our future ability to re-build. He really, really trusts me... tells me I'm the ONLY person in his life he trusts, and that this was even true during the A... he never really trusted her even though he thought at one point he would D me and M her. Ironic, isn't it? And, now I can't trust him anymore, when I used to completely. But, I do hope and pray that will be re-built.

I do tell him when I am at my limit and when I can't hear anymore. He does respect that.

Wow we do have a lot of similarities in our sitches don't we? The whole mid life thing, and looking for feeling young and alive again... my H has admitted that was part of it. And, he struggles with shame because he never thought he would fall into that. I never thought he would either.

I will have to look for your thread...

Thanks again Addie!

Yep, OP's are routinely the exact opposite of the LBS. If I were to list every complete opposite my (x)W's OM and I do not have in common, I'd be here for a while.

I also think it is a good sign, all be it a painful one that your H, like my (x)W is pretty open and volunteering about their OPs. It does show some instant transparency and recognition of their wrong doings in my book.

Thanks DDay,
I think so too. I do think there are some good signs with our piecing situation. I think my emotions, and therefore my questions are coming to the surface a lot more right now because of the holidays and extra stress with that. I have to remember, a few short weeks ago I wasn't even sure my H would choose to be around for Christmas or would be with OW, so I feel blessed we are at this point.

OK I gotta share something funny...

And a total 180 for me.

I had been tidying up today and folded up a new scarf my H had. I noticed it first about six weeks ago. It's a nice scarf. Today my H noticed that I had folded it and put it away. He said, "I'm surprised you handled that scarf." I said, "why, is it a gift fro her?" He nodded.

I took the scarf out of his hand, grabbed a lit candle, went to the back yard and burned it in the fire pit.

It felt so good, so empowering!

H didn't seem upset at all. As a matter of fact, I think he liked to see the fiestiness in me and he totally understood. He's been smirking about it all evening and it has now become a private joke between us. The kids didn't see it, so he keeps catching my eye and smirking.

Damn that felt good!

LoL!!!! Rocked rocked it!