I am so sorry that this is hapening, this must ne one of the worst twist on that blasted roller coaster. All i can say with I agree with Deb and T2.
I like letting him get his own attorney to do it all, why should be expect you to foot it all with yours. His choice, his cost. He is confused, feelings DO NOT change like that overnight. Remember he basics, dont let him drag you into fights and do what you can to look after yourself.
My thougts are with you
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
I was weak but I agree I shouldn't sleep with him anymore until something permanent happens...like we move in together.
I think he has someone he wants. He admits that it is having to decide his living arrangments in 2 weeks. In 2 weeks he needs to know if we are moving in with him so he can sign a lease for the big apartment and lock in the rent. He wants to sign one for a year. I guess this is his big hurry...trying to decide which lease agreement to sign. How much he's going to pay. I asked him to sign one for 6 months and give US more time he said NO he's tired of waiting for me to change.
Quote: he said NO he's tired of waiting for me to change.
Somethings not quite right here, but I can't put my finger on it. My H says this all the time. It's his way of putting this whole thing back on me and I won't accept it anymore.
Tell H you like yourself just the way you are and even if you did change everything he didn't like about you, he'd find something else anyways so until he accepts you as you are, an artwork in progress, than there's nothing you can say anymore.
Thank you! I just need to get off this roller coaster but it's hard when my h gets me back on with his "I want to stay married" ride!
I'm going to detach again and see what happens. S**t will hit the fan though when he gets notice of the extension. He'll be livid!
Right now I'm choosing to foot the bill because if the divorce does end up going through I'll get the house and all our equity. I'd like to have a house for the kids and I once this is over. Whether my h lives with us or not remains to be seen.
I agree the whole 'you'll never change' bit is fishy! It's like he wants me to have not expectations at all...just to take him back as is...with his 2-timing, no remorse, unaffectionate self! I lived this way for the past 7 years but when he continued to ignore the boys going to the extent of not even caring if their homework was done (he said well don't go to the school meeting and stay home to help the boys! I said well next time can you go to the meeting he said no! Pretty much you do all of this and let me be on the sofa watching TV)....I'd had enough.
Yeah it seems like every time we make a little headway he has something else nasty to say about me...that I'm fat, that I don't have a flat stomach, that my hair is too short, that I don't want to go out and get drunk, etc! It's always something with him. He says I just need to get over it when I get mad about stuff like this. He doesn't apologize when I talk to him about it...I just need to move on. So then we go back around to him saying ugly stuff again and he doesn't stop.
The man needs some serious counseling I think. Sad part in all this is that his mom puts up with the same stuff from him. She continues to let him get away with it saying that she'd rather he come around than not at all.
I understand where you are coming from woith the legl side and with his curent state of mind you have to protect yourself. This is what I dod in my sitch, we went to the wire with the legas (we had three court appearances) and the few times we did talk my wife had some very colourful names for me.
In the end the days leading up to the final court case woke her up as she saw the sense of finality in it all and for the foirst time really had to confront that I was not going to be in her life anymore. Up to this time she was in one big fog.
Playing the devils advocate on the extension. In the end what will you achieve from this except make him angry. If he really wants this path then give it to him. Let him know very clearly that this is all his and his decision. His feeling for you wont change with the signing of a piece of paper as much as they say they do. One thing that my wife has really made clear to me since we got back together is DONT BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY.
Maybe once the shock hs worn off it may be wise to consider the granting him of the quick divroce while you ensure that you stand you ground ont he financial settlement side. Let him see the finality of it all.
Just soem thoughts. I really feel for you in these circumstances.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Quote: but when he continued to ignore the boys going to the extent of not even caring if their homework was done (he said well don't go to the school meeting and stay home to help the boys! I said well next time can you go to the meeting he said no! Pretty much you do all of this and let me be on the sofa watching TV)..
Are you sure you're name married to Ray Ramano (Everybody Loves Raymond)?
Quote: that I'm fat, that I don't have a flat stomach, that my hair is too short, that I don't want to go out and get drunk, etc! It's always something with him. He says I just need to get over it when I get mad about stuff like this. He doesn't apologize when I talk to him about it...
Or maybe my H? What is it with the getting drunk thing? My H likes to drink and I don't, one or two is fine, but that's not enough for H and I'm supposed to join him, I don't think so one of has to drive. My H doesn't care what he says either and then said the same thing your H does "get over it" he also calls me names, a**h***, idiot, stupid. Well a few weeks ago he did that and I told him to leave the house, he said I'll come here whenever I feel like it, and I said "not if you're going to call me names you're not" This was the first time I ever stood up to him about his name calling and I was serious...well I think it sent his head spinning. If you have time look at my thread it's pretty much all in there.
That is exactly what happened this last time we went to hash out the final legalities....he came a week later and said he wanted to be married. The finality did wake him for a bit and he pursued.
Now we are back to square one where is doesn't love me. I'm afraid to grant him the divorce because he won't come back. He'll quickly jump in with someone else and fill the void I left.
You are right though this extension will make him mad but maybe he'll get so fired up he'll pay my attorney the majority of the remaining costs to get it over with instead of directing his anger at me. I want the extension because I think he'll come around AGAIN.
Your W came around before you guys finalized. My h maintains that even if he wanted to come back we have nothing going for us but sex and money. Regular sex and saving money. He acts like we were never friends or did anything together. It's hurtful to say the least.
I want to hang on but you are right if it only serves to make him mad...what is the point in that? It won't bring us closer. It's a gamble to do it and see what his reaction is....he may not get mad maybe he'll try again. I guess in this situation I can only go with what I want since that is what I know for sure.
Do you think your H has MLC? Definatly some weird thoughts going on there. Not knowing what he wants.
Look back honestly and what got you two to the point of him saying he wanted to stay married? And more importantly what happened to make him now change?
Are there conversations you two have had that spark a reaction with him? Pushing his buttons? Pursuing? '
Just throwing things out there.
One other thing, if you do file for an extension, I would tell him before he gets it. There is nothing worse than going to the mailbox and finding something like that. It doesn't build trust in his mind. Why wouldn't she tell me? etc. Then he is just really PO'd and that would not help at all.
