Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Need some veteran opinions for a newbie!

Carolinagirl,

First I want to welcome you. You couldn’t really have found a better place for support if you have to go through this.

Please don’t let my registration date confuse you, I have been at this a very very long time. You have received some very good advice so far. It does sound like you have heard and witnessed a lot of the traditional script.

MLC is sort of a misnomer because this is a life transition. We all go through different periods in our lives where we grow and change and it is how we handle it and the issues that we have to face which determines whether it is crisis or not. My H started his journey, the first time around when he was about 25 or so. Cleared that hurdle (or so I thought) around 28 and reboarded his crazy train when he was about 34. Sometimes I think he was just stuck at the station in between. We are now 37 (almost 38) and he is still riding.

So I want to say, patience is your friend on this journey. Patience and tongue biting.

I understand you do not want to “condone” his behavior, however, at this point, trying to control it, talk to him about how much it is hurting you, how much you want to work on the marriage, or even simply how angry you are about it, is going to be perceived as pressure by him and will just drive him away further. There will come a point where you will be able to talk about all of this stuff, but that is a ways down the road.

They lie. The even lie to themselves. That is one of the scary parts of this IMO. They believe their own lies most of the time, just like they expect us too. They spend. They do things that you would never ever have expected them to do.

Definitely ask question about anything, share your experiences, your thoughts. We all learn from each other around here. And we are all very willing to offer our own experiences and knowledge to the pot if we think it will help.

Do for you right now. The sooner you can begin to really learn about MLC and the sooner you will really understand what you are dealing with and you can begin your own journey.

GAL, 180’s, As If are all really good, especially in the beginning.

Ok I could talk forever but this takes time. This takes a lot of time. Patience. Patience like you never believed you could have. Faith, in God and in yourself. Love, real unconditional love, and forgivness.

Thank you all so much for your insight and believe me, more is welcome.

You all were right about the financial thing. I found out today that he has been taking more money from our account that I thought. I guess I should watch it like a hawk. I didn't push the issue but did tell him that I needed some money from his personal account to pay some bills. Put him in a bad mood for sure. I responded to his anger with calm and told him that I understand how he feels like he has nothing as he stated, but if he needs anything to please come to me.... gentle enough?

However, the say started out interestingly enough. I know he stayed the night with her last night. I called in the morning to thank him for leaving me a voicemail checking on me. I figured I would reward good behavior right? I tried to end the conversation, but he continued with the small talk. I ended the conversation finally before he could. My phone rang seconds later, it was him. He asked me if everything was okay because I sounded different. I had been upbeat on the last conversation. I replied "yea, I'm just happy I guess". I once again ended the conversation, kindly. Less than an hour later he called once again. He said he passed me in my company car. I replied impossible because I was sitting at my desk (when this all started, I was obsessed and would pass him on purpose and I think he knew this). I laughed and said "I think you probably just waved to a stranger". He softened and laughed as well. I was lucky to get a phone call a day and I got three in the matter of an hour.

He seems very aware that I am out with friends and GAL. Just a word of encouragement for those who are doing the LRT that I have started seeing positive results.

Also, I have heard through the grapevine that a mutual friend at my husbands office confronted her in a passive aggressive manner yesterday. I had nothing to do with this, but at least now she knows that everyone knows about what the OW was so desperately trying to hide. She's insecure and cares about what everyone thinks of her so I would guess this must bother her. Obviously not enough to back off my husband, but I'm sure she's irked.

Just wanted to vent I guess and share the small success from this morning. It's becoming therapeutic for me to write this and is helping me gain a more positive outlook!!!

Today, Christmas, was horrible. One of those days where you are fine one minute and the next you want to crawl in a hole and die. Do MLC WAS's have the same depressions about the holidays as the LBS?

I was in such a bad place today I broke the LRT. I had to call him just to hear his voice and said that I just wanted to wish him a merry christmas. He sounded depressed with me while in front of his family, but called me back later and sounded fine and happy. I detected a hint of him trying to keep me on the phone, but that could be wishful thinking. Do you think this was a front?

There was such progress in him for a week and now I'm sitting in limbo with no indication of him moving in either direction. I did find out that he neither spent the night with the OW on Tuesday nor did he go to lunch with her. Both are his standard behaviors. However, the night before he left to go see his family he did stay with OW. I have no idea what in the hell is going on in his head or mine!!!

C,
I'm sorry today was horrible for you. Yes, you will have ups and downs and you will need to go with them and allow them flow over and down your back.

MLCers have issues w/holidays because it brings the guilt and shame out in them and many of them stay away from their families during these times. Others wear a mask of happiness and can't wait to disappear again as soon as it's possible. Their depression is constant, but they do wear masks in public so that everyone thinks that they are fine. It's a lot of work for them.

The most important lesson I learned is that you cannot sit around and trying to analyze them. They are very emotional and the emotions are what is driving their train of thoughts. So, please try to focus on you and what's important. Your h is taking an "out to lunch break" in life and there's nothing you can do about it.

Please take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. My family unfortunately just doesn't understand as I come from a family of no divorce anywhere. They just ignore the fact that my world is crashing right now in a sense.

I try so hard to quit thinking about what's going on and most days I do well, but today was not one of them.

Something struck me today in all of this mess. We went to all of 3 counseling sessions and in the second one my husband said something that I really didn't connect the dots until today. His father left his mother for a year when he was 34 (perhaps his own MLC and his mother has never divulged all the details to her 3 sons or myself). He said to the counselor and my MIL said the same "My dad left for a year and when he came back everything was wonderful". Very sick to think this, but I feel like he's struggling to be so close to his father after his suicide that he is trying in some bizarre way to relive his life. Strange, but I think there may be something to it.

I suppose there is hope for others as well as myself that his father came back after an brief episode of insanity, however, the end of his life was very tragic.

I'll keep praying for others as well as my marriage. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their holiday.

CG

C,
Hope you are doing well today.

Your h is reliving his youth and he's at the age when his father left. Many of them will act out that period of their lives when something such as his father leaving him. I'm not surprised to hear that someone in his family had walked out the door. The reenactment is something that they need to go through in order to better understand the "abandonment" issues that they have stuffed deep down inside of themselves.

I understand where you are coming from about a family who has no divorce track record. I came from one of those myself. Families don't understand the concept of MLC, but they are trying to help us along, i.e., protect us from hurt and harm. They only want us to get over it and move on and be happy once again. Unfortuantely, w/a MLCer it takes a very long time.

Please try to enjoy the holidays. Spend it w/family and friends. You need their support right now.

Snodderly,

Much better today. It was my first Christmas without my H and I thought it would be okay, but that was not the case. I felt a bit selfish in wanting to get angry/sad amidst my family's celebration, but made it through the festivities in one piece fortunately. Hope your holiday was a great one!

I'm going to journal a bit here. I got home from my parents house and found my husband waiting at the home although he does not live here anymore. I walked in and said a friendly hello. My husband followed me upstairs and akwardly toyed with the idea of asking me to dinner. Also, he called 3 times during a 3 hour drive to make sure I was okay. I agreed to go with him to dinner and during dinner I caught glimpses of my "old H" and we laughed and he would say things to me that he used to say all the time that I hadn't heard in a while. No relationship talks or talks about the future, except for a few comments about how he is not sure where he is going to go once his buddy he's staying with moves one December 31st to DC. I didn't reply at all. He has mentioned that he does not want to move in with the OW and I tend to believe that because he would have already as opposed to moving in with a friend. I have a slight feeling he is going to ask me to move back in, but not for the sake of the marriage, just as a place to lay his head when he is not with OW. I want him back home so badly, but not this way, ie. wondering where he is all night and who he is with and frankly, I don't know that I want him keeping tabs on me either right now. I feel like I really need my privacy to grieve or be angry when I need to rather than worrying about where he is in our house. Also, it was hard enough the few weeks in the beginning to have him in my home and not in my bed at night. Anyone dealt with this before? This is all still so new right now.

He seems to be coming back around about again, but trust me, I know this is going to be a wild ride. One day he's up, one day he's down and for me this is like watching a tennis match of him against himself.

You are both in your 20's? This is a lot to handle from such a very young marriage. Things have not really gotten tough for you yet (and believe me, with 25 years of M under my belt- things will get tough at some point.)

It sounds like you are making quite a bit of excuses for his behavior- stop.

It sounds like you are hanging onto crumbs of his attention, while he is not playing with OW- stop.

I am so very sorry you are here. You sound like such a considerate person, use that talent on/for yourself.

Do you have any children?

He is bieng so tacky talking about himself, the OW and his life, his this, his that... you may need to cut yourself off from this selfishness before you bottom out

Yes, both in our late 20's. I know that marriage is tough and we did have a horrible year from the death of his father, 2 other relatives and a very good friend, our dog got cancer, and within the last month, he lost his grandmother. As I said before, he had never experienced death before his father.

I know it does sound like I am making excuses for him in that I'm attributing his behavior to depression, but he is a completely different person from the one I have known for the last 5 years and the changes have happened overnight. His mother hardly recognizes him and all of his friends have abandoned him because of his behavior with the exception of the OW and one more guy that he befriended within the last few months. They are both 22 with little to no education or ambition.

I am looking at his baby steps, not out of desperation, because I'm past the point of desperation. I try to keep no expectations, but the glimmers of "old H" do send my heart aflutter from time to time.

By the grace of god, we do not have children. I don't think I could have stayed as strong if I had someone else relying on my during this mess. My husband always wanted children, but changed his mind a few months ago when all this happened and said he never wanted to have kids. Previously our plan was to start trying for a child in spring of 2010.

I don't know about cutting him off yet. I have gotten some positive responses from him in being friendly towards him, however, I do not return phone calls promptly and I do not call him unless I slip up as I did on Christmas. A few months ago, he hated my guts and he never spoke to me. At that point however I was still pursuing him heavily until I found DR materials and realized that I was hanging myself. Since I backed off him and have not mentioned the OW, he's spending more time with me. He asked me to dinner both nights since we have been back in town despite the fact the OW was also in town.