Thank you so much to all of the responders on this forum who were so helpful when I was in the tornado.
I just basically gave up on my marriage to WAW. I completely detached from her. Her FOG is so thick.
Honestly, the attractive and desirable friends whom I have met since are 'upgrades' to WAW.
I was scared that I never 'really' loved WAW when I detached so completely and so quickly as the realization that WAW IS F&*#ING OM, AND HAS BEEN FOR AT LEAST A MONTH NOW hit me a while ago. I asked my IC about it. IC said that was not the case, but my reaction now was normal (and good) in response to her actions.
I decided to use only her full given name when addressing her in any form of correspondence. I never used her full name during our M - she is a different person now. I also changed my email address book to show WAW's email name as <Full First Name and Maiden Surname> because her draft divorce papers show she intends to change her name back.
The simpleton things she is "negotiating" for in the D are just inane - no sense of financial reality. She is stuck on the fact that her Mom is supporting her and I "should" support her now. What about her supporting herself? Or how about OM supporting her? Free milk anyone?
I would consider (maybe, for a few more weeks anyway) financially supporting her in exchange for a re-commitment to our marriage and complete isolation from OM.
My GALing, 180s, and frankly, this forum, have completely changed my life. Hearing for the last eight months from my WAW what an a*#hole I am really hurt me.
Amazing going from being one inch tall two months ago to being seen as attractive and desirable by a handful of really attractive and desirable women. Yes, I know it is "too soon." I am only talking about friends, but I can have really attractive and desirable friends, can't I?
WAW keeps spending considerable effort trying to become "friends." Friends to WAW being different to WAW than I defined previously in the last paragraph.
WAW's repeated statements: "We need to set this aside." (My thought response was there is NO 'we' anymore). "Our kids need to see us getting along great." (My thought response was no, they need to see us working on their behalf without conflict, but I avoid situations when we have to communicate in front of them as much as I can). I did not bother commenting on these repeated statements from WAW because no comment from me was necessary.
I see it as, her life and being are not even on my radar any longer except as they DIRECTLY relate to my S5 and S7. I only communicate with her the absolute minimum necessary, particularly in front of my boys. I am decent and polite enough when doing so, without wasting any words, asking any questions, or making comments, unless needed.
WAW's boss for a part-time job (a former neighbor) emailed me the other week noting that he expects I am having a "difficult time right now" and wanting to go running. He has seen my name on the local race results - part of GALing. My response to him (as approved by my attorney) started with the following:
"Thanks for reaching out to me.
You are correct that this is a difficult time for my boys.
<WAW’s name> admitted affair with <OM's full name> and her desire for a divorce caused me some really difficult times, but things are improving for me each day.
Running has been a great way to move on and meet people."
The former neighbor supervises both WAW and OM at a part-time job that WAW arranged for OM to get. (Yes, it's very cute for them.)
Well, WAW must have finally heard what I wrote back to him because last Thu Night, after I spoke to my boys, she got on the phone and said "I heard a rumor that you are spreading rumors about me with someone else". Blah, blah, blah... I chose not to rise to her. I told her I have no idea what and who she is talking about. "OH YES YOU DO. IT"S <OM'S NAME>. YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT ABOUT ME, BUT LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT. I ONLY TALK TO HIM ONCE IN AWHILE." (Yeah, right)
I mentioned that she admitted her EA with him in a response to my direct question "Are you having an emotional affair with <OM>?" on Nov 1 at approx. 8:20 pm in our (then) master bedroom while we were sitting on the floor next to the bed. Her answer at that time was "Yes, I am." WAW's retort on Thu night was that "I never said that." Oh My Goodness!!! How could I make up such minute details about the most emotionally significant negative thing that ever happened to me? The FOG is so thick,
Truth is an absolute defense against slander.
I had called my boys last Thu night while on a date with an attractive and desirable woman at a really fun local place. Drinks turned to dinner, then mutual friend conversation, then books, then life, and back to books. Holy cow! Reading the new Dan Brown novel with her then discussing it for subsequent dates.
When I called my boys, my attractive and desirable date was taking a bio break then also calling her son at his Father's house. My whole conversation with WAW and her attempt to control me or tell me what I could and couldn't do were so ridiculous that the conversation ended abruptly when my "phone battery died."
I found out on Thu from my IC that the whole multiple "Merry Christmases" and iPod and over the top attempts to "be friends" (see previous posts) are typical from someone who is now trying to paper mache over her mess. Does any LBS go for it?
My boys deserve better than this, but I am their Dad and the only adult in their lives right now. It is an honor to be their Dad. My life is great, work is great, my social life is great. I don't even gloat about the trajectories of my and WAW's lives because I don't think about her anymore.
If I had been smart enough to find this forum last April or May, things may now be different. I am looking forward not back now though.
Thanks again to all those responders who helped me, gave me courage and hope for my marriage for a long time. I am humbled by your sincere and unselfish desires to help a complete stranger save his marriage - one of the most important foundations of our society.
I plan to pay it forward to other newbies as a 'responder' at some future point when time and space give me a better perspective to help others.
