Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Christmas Mistake?

New here. Married for 14 years, together 18, have S13. I had the bomb dropped on Oct. 23. Took wife for granted, she thought I hated her for getting pregnant, been unhappy for 10-12 years. She has lost a lot of weight, looks great, I didn't tell her enough.

Started with me moving to my folks for about a month, then back into house after a burglary in neighborhood (later she said she asked me back because it was tough on son). Now she has moved out on Dec.15. Things were going well since she left. She was separating to have her own space and see if she would miss me. We are sharing time with S13. Today was my day and she was going to come over and decorate the tree in our/my house. We did and then she stays and wants to watch a movie together. Son is uncomfortable and then I say to wife that son and I had plans. She gets pissed and storms out. I follow her out and try to explain that since she wanted the separation she shouldn't be coming over to hang out. She also stopped by in the morning as well.

I have been trying to detach and let her make contact if she wants, but i guess I'm afraid I may have hurt her by asking her to leave. I know I'm only at the beginning of this ride, but I guess I'm offering up my sitch for any advice. Thanks in advance for any input, been lurking awhile.

geodude

no you did ok,
actually better than ok,
you did good.

If she wanted to separate from you,
she has to get used to the idea that you will be moving on,
she expects you to pine for her, wallow in self-pity, beg, plead and all that other "great" stuff.

Don't do it.

Be fine with it.

It's good that she did this.

Plus if she did drop the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore", she may have some action on the side that you're not privy to yet.

Keep doing what you're doing.

If she wants to come back, she'll want to come back and she'll work for it, don't make it easy on her though, if she thinks she can come & go as she pleases tell her you're not cool with that, if she doesn't want to have a committed relationship/marriage with you, you don't want to have one with her.

Keep it up bro,
be a great person for yourself
and a great father for your kid.

Geo - Robx is right, don't beg. However, don't be too quick to jump on the "she might be seeing someone else" train. Not every WAW has a honey waiting in the wings. If you've been lurking, you already know this. Good luck. Goldey
p.s. I'm a former WAW, getting ready to walk for the third (and final) time.

I do want things to work out between us, I just don't think she has really thought it all through as far as what the consequences might be. I guess I was using some "tough love", although I did not want to upset her. I've been trying so hard not to send an e-mail apologizing. As far as the OM, there was an EA earlier on, but I don't think it's happening now. Maybe it is, I don't know, or maybe I don't want to know.

We had started MC right before she moved out and put that on hold for a month. She had finally agreed after I had kept pressing the issue. I thought it might be best to let her spend a month solo before starting back, so I scheduled an appointment so I had something definite.

This is a crazy ride to be on, happy one day and everything's fine, then the next day drama. Hope I can make it. It's great to read what others are going through here.

Geodude,

Going through the same thing myself. I have a great week and then something minor happens and BAM, backsliding. I have been in a pretty low state for the last 3-4 days now. They key to backsliding I think is just accept it as part of the process. It certainly doesn't feel like it at the time, but it is. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Thanks for the support all. I just hated to be an a$$hole at Christmas, but I have to keep telling myself that this wasn't my decision. I hated to tell my son that Christmas is going to be different from now on. I hope she is seeing the same thing.

Just keep remembering - she chose to walk away. If you allow her to easily slot back in and out of your life then she is cake eating and that will never give her the kick she needs to reliase what she's doing.

Actions = Consequences

Thanks, it's just confusing. You want her to want to come back, so you think you need to be nice and everything, but then again from what I've read you don't want to be doormat or clingy. I guess you just need to move forward and do stuff for yourself and she will follow if she wants.

At least she is out of the house now. It was very hard with her around all the time. Kept wanting to talk to her about the R and that was never a good conversation. Now I can give her her space (if she takes it!). I think it is rougher on her being away from son. She is very attached to him, one of my issues with her. I don't ever want to use my son as a tool, but I think time away from him as well might do her some good. I know she is havings ome problems financially with getting anew place and I will only help if it is absolutely necessary, or impacts sons way of life. I am stuck in old house with high mortgage payment while I fix it to sell. Once the house sells, I think it will be time for a decision. She has told me that her lease can broken whenever, so we will see what happens. Gotta give the MC a chance and see where we go fro there.

Very tough times indeed.

Doormat = bad
Welcome mat = better

It won't be easy during the holidays, but soon you will see that you can't make your W angry, it's her choice. I'm sorry your W chose to have an EA, and although that was not my sitch, I've come to learn that some of the guys here have good advice when there is an active third party in the mix.

Christmas 2009 will certainly be one for the books.

I just think it's too early to throw in the towel. (Unless I'm missing something?) Peace.

Thanks, definitely not ready to throw in the towel. Just ready to things to change, hopefully for the better.