Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure what to do

I think my forgetfullness is due to me not sleeping well at nights. I suffer from mild sleep apnea and wake up on average 20 times an hour. I've had sleep tests done, and they have recommended a CPAP machine (to help with breathing), but I'm hesitant to get it as it's not very attractive. Even though she has said that she'd rather see her husband trying to better himself than suffering with sleep deprivation.

Have you thought about keeping a notebook of things she has asked you to do, and setting some goals each day? Another thing most women like is for their husbands to ask them "What can I help with?" or "What needs to be done?"
Regarding her criticisms of how you do things... a lot of women put importance on things being done "the right way" in the home or with the children, because they see the outcome of those things as a reflection of themselves. You could just be honest with her and let her know that you would like to do a good job, but honestly don't know how... ask her to be patient with you as you are learning. Eventually, as you get stronger, you want to show a stronger, more confident you. Then you can let her know if she would like your help, she should give you some space to do things your way sometimes...

What if you write things down, or set reminders in your cell phone? I use these little spiral note-books that are shirt pocket sized called rite-in-the-rain in my summer job. I like them because the paper is water-proof and really tough, so you can wash them and not lose all your important things! And I tend to leave all kinds of things in my pockets when I do laundry- discovering that about the rain-books was just a happy accident.

Its good that you are realizing these things. But I would caution you to not start doing all of these things to try to win her back.

One of the most important things to think about is, make sure that you are being strong. You have to be careful to not come off as a push-over here. Women like strong, confident men. Dont start ironing just the way she likes it, or pick up all of the housework to try to appease her, shell see right through it. Be consistent, and fair, if you start doing the laundry, keep it up, dont let yourself slip up and disappoint her.

Stu... (insert chiding tone here) sleep apnea is so bad for you! And honestly, once you start sleeping well the CPAP will be your best friend! And hers too when you arent jerking awake every 5 minutes gasping!

I used to ask her what needed to be done, but she would just reply with "you should know what needs to be done", so I stopped asking.

She doesn't like thigs being done if they are not her way. She is a perfectionist and she places alot of pressure on herself. She prides herself in making sure things are perfect where I can handle imperfections. Things can't always be perfect and we have struggled with this with our house. She gets upset when things aren't the way she wants (and I can understand why), but some of the things were impossible as they would cause issues later and because I'm not very good with my hands (I work in IT, so that should be an indication of my experience with tools), she wouldn't want to listen to what I was saying. She would say that I let others tell me how things should be done. I never did unless there was a reason for it. I would take advise from tradies as it was their area of expertise, not mine. As her father was a brick layer, she would liten to him over what I was saying. For example, when it was time to build our water tanks, they wanted to use left over bricks. A nubmer of people told me that it would be difficult and time consuming. But they oth disissed it. After months of doing nothing, and getting quotes for materials, it ended up being the same price to get pre fabricated tanks that are dropped straight into a hole in 1 day, rather than gettig 5 different trades in at different times to build the tanks.

By no meas am I perfect. We both have our issues that we each struggle with.

Apologies for rambling on, but if feels better to get things of my chest.

Oh, and she thinks I have cheated on her. I never have and I never would. I hate people that do that and so does she. I'd explain why she thinks it, but it's a bit embarassing.

Hi stu321

Thought I'd pop in and say hi too! Dont worry about being embarrassed lets face it were all in here because our marriages are messed up, couldnt get any worse than that. If it helps I thought my H was having an affair because it looked like a payment had been set up on our bank account for two people, turns out it was fraudulant and I he made me feel a right idiot for thinking he was having an affair! We are separated too at the moment its been nearly three months so hang in there it is a bumpy ride but youve got friends on here too now.

Stu, don't apologize for "rambling". For many of us, this forum is a safe place to vent and get things off our chest. That is what this is here for.
It sounds like it is time to work on your confidence. There are on-line courses you can take to build your self esteem and confidence. You can google that... A friend of mine did that after she was widowed and she found it helped her move on with her life as a strong, independent woman.
The thing is... when our spouses are going through this whole "walk away" thing... their criticisms of us tend to be a moving target. They will criticize one thing and when we work on that they will just find something else. It's because it is not acutally about us (as much as they want to convince themselves it is) but about them. When you work on yourself, you take that target away, and maybe they might have to aim some arrows at themselves for a change!

Well, today is our anniversary. 11 years.

My son called her this morning to say "good morning". She didn't ask to speak to me. So I called back and wished her "Happy Anniversary". She said thanks and "Happy Anniversary back at you".

I think she's made her mind up. She made is sound as if it meant nothing to her. I don't think I have any other choice but to ask for a divorce. I won't do it tonight obviously, but it will have to be soon I think.

I'm dissapointed it has come to this, but as I said, I think she has made her mind up and when she does with anything, it's very hard to change it.

Out of curiosity, why did you call her to wish her a happy anniversary? She could have asked to speak to you if she wanted.

Instead, you reached out to her in a way that was definitely going to make both of you uncomfortable. So why do it?