Poe's idea is a great one. Ask you ex H to go with you when OM is not there. Or take d or someone H trusts.....hate to say it but you know H doesn't trust you right now. You have to earn that back. Actions speak louder than words.
As for H admitting things were his fault...oh, I so understand what you are feeling...but GET OVER IT! You want H back. You want new R with H. YOU have to work for it and it's not going to be fun at times, nor easy. You are going to have to choose being happy with H over being right. Forget trying to add up who did what....start being someone h wants to be around and spend time with again. Be positive, be loving, be honest, be open, be attractive! And, oh yeah, be prepared to eat a lot of sh*t...lol..in some ways. I validated my butt off even on days that I didn't feel like it. I told him that I heard his emotions, apologized for my actions and provided him with a verbal positive intention on my behalf....ie.... in my sitch, I was drinking and spending money all the time when he was out of town...so, my validating had to ignore my feelings of loneliness, my feelings of his distancing himself from me and spending time with others rather than me and focus on WHAT I HAD DONE WRONG.... so, I said things like this when he was angry..
I know you are angry with me. I am sorry that I have hurt and angered you. I know my drinking and spending money have caused you a lot of pain. I am working hard now to stay sober and I plan to stay sober one day at a time. I love you and want this marriage to work more than anything.
I said that and things like that over and over and over....and some days...it sucked...it hurt...it seemed unfair...it frustrated me...but guess what? It worked....he heard me and he responded slowly but surely...and things are much better between us now. Not perfect...but progressing.......
Focus on you. Focus on your part in things and how you can repair the damage you have done...the better you get, the more sincere you are...the better your chances of successfully winning back your H. And he will grow and change as you do...all on his own.
alaskangal: where is your thread, I would like to read more about your situation. Don't you feel like you are sometimes in a ditch and you keep climbing, and climbing but your getting nowhere. You have a ladder in the ditch, but for some reason you need to prove something and continue to climb, finally you say the heck with it and use the ladder, get out and go down a new road, new life, to find someone else. I think I explained it right (the way I'm feeling) I have said I'm sorry twice and both times, he got very short with me and said that he knows and I don't need to say it anymore. So I don't. I don't know what else to do. I ve asked to come back and make the marriage work, I get either nothing and finally he said he wasn't ready. Even if me living with OM (I know I needed to get away from him and that hurt my trust level with exh) But even with living OM 45 minutes away. Everyday I drive over to see them (now it's only 10 mins away so it's not bad) but like I said I am with them every moment, but when its time for bed, I leave and go to my place. Every Friday and Sat night I ask him, would you like me to have daughter sleep over? Do you have plans? normally he doesn't and daughter sleeps over his place. I am always accomadating him. He is a biker so on Sat mornings he goes out like 7 a.m., so here I come, get up at 6 a.m. to be to his house for 7 so he can go bike riding. I go to church with them and okay he does ask me to go places with him and daughter on Sundays. He will not approach me for sex, he has an extremely low sex drive. I did once, and got nowhere. It's like we are still marriage but without my name on the mortagage and I get no sex. Sorry to be going on and on, but he lets me do everything like when we were married. I am so tired and frustrated!! Does anyone else feel like this?? If I try to move to the next level, I get no response. I know I'm probably just rambling for nothing, but, well I don't know how to explain it, but do you just keep kissing --- for years in the hopes that one day they will say, well, shes hung on this long, lets try to get back together??
elwood, ex-h would never go near OM house, never has I always drove back and fourth. OM works third shift, so I will probably go get the stuff after he has gone to work. Ex-h gave me a cordless drill that I could keep for my apartment. Our dog is sick so he asked me to bring him to the vest, which I will. maybe I will try to invite him again to my place for Sunday dinner.
Thanks for looking. Don't know how to link yet, so I'll have to tell you the thread names and hopefully you can find them thru search:
2 old ones in Newcomers are "Advice ASAP Please!" and "Letting Go the Rope and Taking the Reins"
Current one is in I Need Support forum and titled "Only the Brokenhearted"
Thanks for checking it out. I'm close to "high noon" though. I'll start following you now too - I'm impressed that you're trying so hard to put something back together that you once walked away from.
We all want to jump right back in pretend that this nitemare we have gone thru did not happen. You are really in a pretty good sitch, you just need to step back and look at it from a different perspective. I would be so happy if I could spend the evenings with my ex and son. Go places and to church together. Trust takes a long time to build. I think if he is allowing to be in his life like he is, then he is thinking there might be hope. But honey, you have got to leave the OM alone. There is nothing there that you can't live without.
Read Mixed Emotions over in Newcomers...and then read Warm Front in Alaska here....if you want to learn about my sitch....
Yes, I felt just like you described. With my H, it was less about saying I was sorry and more about saying I knew I had hurt him and knew I had made him angry....and it took a lot of saying things like that....it also took a lot of ACTION. When he said mean things to me about past, I just sucked them up and kept db'ing....I went to AA and still go, I stopped blaming him for anything and just focused on me, I walked away from arguements by saying that I did not want to fight and couldn't talk rationally at those moments, I thanked him for things he was doing right, I did little things for him like making him deserts that he liked...I NEVER thought in the very beginning that I was going to get through this period and H was seeing attorneys and saying things like he hated me...was sorry he married me...I was a b*TCH and a C&&T...and so forth....it was TERRIBLE...but I kept a PMA and kept validating his feelings and kept doing nice things for him and he finally came to believe that the changes I was making in myself were genuine. H cut me off financially and just bought groceries and paid the bills and gave me little amounts of cash...h's way of controlling and keeping me from getting drunk, I think...but I did not complain...I made the best of it and acted as if everything was ok....H kept talking about taking a vacation w/o my S and me at Christmas time...I told him lovingly that he deserved it...even though my heart was breaking...told him to go and have fun...we would miss him at Christmas, but he should get to go see his family if he missed them....H is not going on vacation now as far as I know.... and H is living home..not half home half with in laws....H is sleeping with me...I slept in spare room for a long time...and there was no sex ...now, sex is back in our lives...we are sleeping together in master bedroom again...and I am ready to move all my clothes and things back upstairs....but it took patience, love, tolerance and focusing completely on myself...thinking what's wrong with me anytime I got angry, frustrated, etc..with him....often I was insecure, resentful, selfish, and so....did not tell him how to fix himself when I got mad....focused on what to do about me and how to avoid his actions causing me to be angry...ie. be less selfish, be less self-centered...etc. Try to see things from H's perspective..
You're my inspiration as your H sounds kind of like my H. I don't think all the sorrys in the world are going to matter to H, it'll be the actions.
Quote: but it took patience, love, tolerance and focusing completely on myself...thinking what's wrong with me anytime I got angry, frustrated, etc..with him....often I was insecure, resentful, selfish, and so....did not tell him how to fix himself when I got mad....focused on what to do about me and how to avoid his actions causing me to be angry...ie. be less selfish, be less self-centered...etc. Try to see things from H's perspective..
This will help me, putting myself in H's shoes...the self-centered and selfishness have to be tamed..in me.
alaskangal: thanks, I will look for your thread. I guess I was just blowing off steam. I suck it up too, he would start to raise his voice and before I would start raising my voice and all h--- would break loose. Now, I am like, okay, I don't want to agrue with you, he has water on the knee, so I asked him if I could do anything for him, he is going Tuesday to have it drained, I asked if he wanted me to take the day off and go with him, he said no. I always ask him on Friday's are you going on a bike ride tomorrow or good for you, how was your ride, so deserve to go here or there, you work so hard. When he took the day off because our daughter was sick I told him that it was really sweet and I appreciated it--has never done that before. Even though, he did not spend the day looking after her, he carted her around town to doe errands, even though I was mad at him for doing this, since daughter was throwing up all day and needed to be in bed. Instead, she just sat in the car with the bucket. I really wanted to yell at him, but kept my cool and thanked him again for staying home. He hates my dad and will say mean things about him to me, which hurts, but I suck it up and let him speak his mind. It seems like you and your ex are starting to rebuild, but how long did it take? How long before you were back in the bedroom? I sometimes wait for him to come home from his bike rides and he will bike ride 75 miles and will not get home until after 9 p.m. and its like, why can't I sleep on the coach once in a while. I know patience, patience.
