Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers First time poster feeling a bit lost

Small update,

Today I have had a terrible day at work..I am trying to concentrate and then...I stop dead...gut turning over...I can hear my own breathing...arms and legs are heavy...like a panic attack or something...I feel paralysed ...really not good.

But I made a promise to myself that I would go out tonight on her return, I would be ready when she arrived, in nice new clothes..ones she did not choose. I need to get over this!

So in she walks, My girls say, Look at dad, look at how smart and cool he looks...he looks great!(Thanks Girls :)) I ask her how her journey was and if there were any problems etc... in a really nice positive but ever so slightly business like manner. and with that before she can say another word " I interupt and say "thats nice...sorry to cut and run but I am going out for the evening"

"Oh..Oh...OK, I might be in bed when you get back.."

(her face was a picture!!)

I met some old friends only for a few hours...sure enough she was in bed on my return...she must have gone at 9pm or something. I returned whistling and practically skipping up the stairs like I didnt have a care in the world.

I dont know if it got to her or if it works...but it was Sooooo much fun...I am laughing to myself right now..

Thanks Sandii, I really hope that it will take effect.
If not, well.. I do feel great after a difficult day

MT.

Tomorrow night is kids xmas carol night and stay home...see if she s changed at all...Thursday out, saturday Out, Sunday Out...

Great job in how you were "showing" attitude in GAL! I loved the way you skipped up the stairs whistling. That was perfect. Please remember that your W probably won't show any changes toward that one time, so I'm glad you have some more times planned.

I know it's very expensive to hire sitters, but can you find relatives or friends who might do that sometimes? I think what would really get your W's attention is if you kept some appointment (GAL) and left the kids with a sitter if she wasn't going to be home with them. But, you would want her to be aware that you were leaving them with a sitter. (Does that make sense?) You may not be able to do that very often, but you might consider it. Be sure that you are vague about what you do or who you see when you are GAL. That causes mystery and is a DB technique.



I may be wrong in my jugement in why she dressed up for the dinner, after you explained about her big weight loss. If this is the first time she has looked this good in a long time...she is probably feeling almost a power surge from the positive feedbacks and looks from others. A big weight loss does a lot of things to some women....and sometimes it can lead to problems in the MR b/c the woman doesn't really know how to handle it. It would take a long time to discuss all of that, and you've probably already heard or read up on the subject.



That is very common for a WAW and since you've told about the weight loss, I can understand it even more so. She may feel as if she is back in high school again.



At first you may not enjoy yourself as much as you wish you could b/c your mind is on her. When you can reach the place that you truly are enjoying yourself, then that is when your attitude will tell her that you are doing it for "you" and it's not a ploy to get her back.



Living in the same house is hard, but it can actually have some advantages. Have you read my list of "Dos & Don'ts for the LBS"? It works especially well when the couple is still under the same roof. Let me know if I need to send it to you.

Have you read the anology of "Dropping the Rope"? Well....mine anyway.

Don't know why she is ironing your shirts if she didn't do that before this all started. Don't sweat the small stuff.

About your W reading the article on the WAW......it is really more for the LBH to try to understand his WAW and how she's thinking, etc. But, I really wanted to remind you that you need to delete in history to this board...if the same computer is shared. Some S do not take it very well if they find what has been written. Mainly b/c they don't really understand what we're doing and they can't be objective. Again, don't fret over what has already happened.



Let me get back to this area before I forget (can't seem to stay on track today). My suggestion about living in the same house and the fact neither will leave......you have to be sure you do not "act married". How would you act if you had a room mate or if she was a relative who moved in with you? Don't think of her as your W. Also.....it is important that you stay busy with whatever you like to do when you are home (not just trying to stay out of her way). Even if you are in the same room, you can read, play with the kids, get on the computer....something that will appear that you are occupied with other things rather than just her. You can be nice and just continue to treat her as if she's a relative.

The majority of the LBH's seem to have a problem in knowing "how" to detach. There was one thread that drew so many board members, and most of the posts were suggesting how he could detach. Again, it is in the attitude you feel yourself. When detached, you can be in the same room as her and not feel emotionally captured by her presence.

Some H's mention how they are afraid of detaching too much and then won't want the WAW back. I think my answer to that is....if you were to reach that place, would it matter? It's as if saying one is afraid that they will fall out of love with their S. Men who have that thought pattern are "afraid" of detaching and I think it is more of an excuse more than anything else.

BTW, it sounds as if you did have a panic attack. However, don't take chances, b/c some people have their heart to flare up and they put it off to stress affecting them.

I'll talk to you later. Keep up the good work.

Hi Sandii,

Understand about the babysitters, we have never left them with B/S we never liked the idea of trusting a stranger. If I can find someone suitable I will try this but I know this will push the angry button if I get it wrong.




She lost the weight a while ago now (5+years), but just recently she has had an extra push to ditch the last pounds. Although that could be down to this sitch




Sure her looks are important to her, but I think this feeling comes from work, I talk a lot about my work but on reflection she doesnt talk about hers, or maybe I dont give her the oportunity... A week ago she really started to open about work she, although tired, was excited it discuss it.





No not yet, If you could send a copy I would appreciate it..Thanks



Understand about the house situation, I am getting there!! Last night was the first step.

I am going out to work now so dont have much time...I will come back to discuss the other points you raised.

Thanks Sandii.

MT

So we met at the children s concert, it was very formal exchange of "How are you?"-"Good"- "You?"
But I could tell she wanted to say more.

This evening I was upbeat around the children, and laughing. But she stayed away for about an 1 hour after coming home.
We spoke very little, in fact she hardly spoke. But I could tell she is not Liking my present attitude.

I think she thinks I am a little cross with her and am being childish at the moment by not being as talkative as I normally would. (Aloof I suppose you would call it)
(should I be more like myself only happier..how do you strike the balance? )

Tonight in some ways she looked a bit sad.

I really don't think my two evenings out with no explanation have changed any part of her mind yet, and It does feel like I am fueling the fire right now. I can see some hurt in her eyes..she will rebel.

But for me, I do feel like this is the first part of detachment..but it is a close line between detaching and getting my own back... It feels more like the latter right now.

That said, it is still game on..after all there is nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Tomorrow is a full night out with boys...Her closing comment before retiring to bed, have a good time tomorrow and if you need anything give me a call.
Needless to say I wont be calling... (I will call the children though)


MT

Last night was a nice night out, I had some fun. I didnt speak to the W, only the children.

Shes out today, all day all night hundreds of pounds spent on dresses hair shoes etc... I cant help but think it is for someones benefit, maybe her own but I doubt it

The kids spoke to her she wouldn't speak to me. I have feeling this is the night that any EA might turn PA. She isnt coming home to night.

I feel sick.

I thought I had the detachment thing down, but today has been truly awful.
Why does detaching seem like the only logical approach yet during the process I feel so low and it feels like I am pushing her further away?

If im GAL, how long does it take for WAW to notice...Because this is insanely tough at the moment.

MT

Sandii,

Help...

Today I planned to take the children to an outdoor ice rink, but on my own. She was staying at a friends (girl) so I didn't invite her, (she would be sleeping it off from last nights party). But my daughter called her early and I said if shes up would should like to come. She said yes. I picked her up friends house shortly after.

We had a nice time ice skating didn't talk a lot but more than we had all week. I have been business like in my responses this week. At home I unpacked her overnight bag to do the washing. I found new lingerie very very nice and quite expensive,,It hurt... No evidence of OM, phone etc etc..

(I made a mistake, whilst trying to set some financial boundaries, I asked her about it, she told me that she wanted to look nice for herself and it wasn't for anyone else)

We got talking about R, she told me that she thought I was trying to get back at her this week, she didn't know how to act around me and that she thought me not making conversation was difficult, she thought we should talk more.
I told her I was looking after myself and getting out more, I told her that I was not unpleasant, she agreed.

I asked her about counseling, she has agreed, but I am not sure if it can help, especially if we choose the wrong one.How can I choose|


She tells me that she thought we have never communicated, right back to when we were married, she intimated that she has not felt "right" since the birth of our second child and when she lost the weight. Our d is 9 shortly.

NOW THAT'S A REAL LONG TIME TO REWRITE HISTORY???

So her feelings have not changed, and although she doesn't want divorce now, she wants us to get things sorted, finance, kids, communication etc...until we both agree that's its time.
She doesn't want to hurt my feelings by pushing it through.
But she sees no way through this.

She says that she feels very stressed and quite ill, and thats because of a build up of emotions based on many different events over the years. she agrees she has never tried to talk to me about these "events".
She cannot give any real specific issues though.
I asked the question how she would feel if i was to leave her life and not talk to her again. She told me that's not what she wants, she likes me and cares for me and what happens to me.

She wants us to go to the MILS for xmas day and My families on B.Day...she will find it difficulty yo go to my families.
Should I take her? should I go to MILS?

I just dont know how to figure this out, she says I look good with the weight loss, and my skin, hair etc,,, looks great and I dont look as tired...but still no change.
She has also recognized that I am different, calmer in some way.

Whats is my next move? More GAL, More formal business like talking. She really doesnt like that..I think it will push her out...Thats not what I want.

We hugged earlier...It felt good. she has lost a few pounds again and is v.fit.
(As an analogy, some friends of hers told me that everyone in work thinks she looks like catherine zeta jones, so you can imagine what I am dealing with here. confidence, determination and good looks. It is not easy)

I feel like after shes come home and we talked like Ive gone back a week, if formal talking is the way forward how can I just start doing that again?
sorry about my post its all over the place.

One thing the other week when we argued I said some horrible things to her...not my brightest hour..but I told her I would fight for the kids...this as been on her mind..is this the thing that keeps her here "until it feels right?"

I just need some advice/words of encouragement.

MT

We talked some more R today..I know we shouldnt but somehow although difficult we started to strike some common ground about boundaries.

We share the same Bank account, we have decided to keep the Joint account but to put equal amounts of money in each others.. not much but enough to give some independence.. I am not going to fund sexy lingerie when quite frankly am not getting the benefit.
We talked about how much money she spent on her night out, she said not much.. I asked her to count it up.. $600.
It may not be much to some...but I think thats a lot for one night.. but its not really about the cost. its about the secrecy. Secrecy that has been there for years... At one point I know she had more than 100 pairs of shoes.. I have 5. Gym, work, dress shoes, Boots, casual.. I know I am not a women and you need more but over 100???

I have just finished redecorating the bedroom it looks great..all warm..finished in ruby..My daughter asked " Mummy when are you going to sleep in here again because its lovely.." she did not answer at first so my D repeated the question. Normally I would have filled the horrible silence but today was different. She brought the rain..shes split the family unit, it was her dilemma..let her answer it..eventually she gave some muttered response.

My D's are great, they really like the change in me..I am much calmer around them, I dont shout at them just for being kids..the W is less calm (loving but quick to snap) They also compliment me regularly on my new physique..I was changin my shirt when the eldest crys out "Dad, look at your stomach.." "its real muscly! You have a six pack!"

I know she heard..(No effect..or at least not immediate) but thanks again girls b/c it makes me feel good and more confident.

We agreed to book counseling as soon as possible...but I dont know if it can help..she is real determined, although she has no real plans. She really doesnt know what to do next. I think she is expecting me to plan our D, or at least thats the way it feels. (Well I am not! I wont help her.)

This evening was pleasant, I find it much easier to be around her when I am trying not to be so formal, no r talk but friendlier..I am not sure if this the right thing to do?
I still have every intention though of trying lots of new things and GAL'ing, Gym, socialising, and I am going to learn Japanese...just some stuff for me.

Happier more comfortable tonight..accepting the change in her. but not forgetting myself.

MT

Sorry all for the daily, long and probably quite boring posts, but it just helps me to write this stuff down..

MT

So this is where were at,

Shes pleasant and we are very civil to one another, still doing all the things that M couples do, eat together, watch TV etc...

But no bedroom stuff, I did get a couple of hugs.

I am still planning on GAL, still working on myself, but becuase shes in the same house I just dont see how I can be slightly unpleasant.(Formal)

I wonder if being nice is counterproductive and then she wins, i.e. gets her friend but can go elsewhere for her lover..Still no evidence here.

or she will see how good I am and start to turn on a few of the old sparks...especially if I try to romance her..nothing heavy just lots of small thoughtful things. You know shes not a spiteful person, and I find it difficult to be anything other than loving. Something I probably havent done in a long time.(on reflection)

MT

So seeing as nobody else is posting here now, and this is just kind of turning into my personal memoirs.

Again today we were very pleasant, I am still ultra calm, I havent raised my voice in weeks, something I was definitely struggling with in the past.
I talked about some of my actions and how I thought they could have impacted her, and slowly but surely she began to open up. Not everythings out yet and we have a long way to go but I do feel that we may be starting to turn a small corner. I am a realist, and I know that we may never resolve this but I am going to try and at the end of the day I will have a clear conscience and generally feel like a better person.

I am GAL but I am super pleasant to my wife, I am not ignoring her, and for the first time in a long time I am starting to enjoy talking to her. Even if it is a little strained at times. More importantly now I am calm and feel like I can stand next her without feeling angry.. I am starting to notice lots of small things, changes in earrings, hair etc.... She replies I have had them for a while or Ive done it like this before...Where have I been??? How could I have missed this beautiful woman right under my nose for so long... What an idiot...I hope I don't lose her for ever..

Dont get me wrong she has her part to play in this and still needs to come to the party, but I am starting to unravel me and my mess..



We have a counseling session booked for the new year.
We are spending Xmas and boxing day together.

Also I would like to add, No evidence of OM, no texts, no calls, letters...no late from work...nothing. I do not know why I even started looking. I could never believe she could do it to me.
I have stopped any snooping and my trust must return if this is to work out.
The fact is anyone could cheat, you cant hold people against their will, if they stray then that's their issue. not mine... Its ridiculous to think that I even looked.
Its like a disease that grips you and has probably given me more to think about over the last month than really getting to grips with the situation.

No trust:No R...

I am probably not going to post again.

Only to let you know the outcome.. Au revoir for now..

MT