M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Both Coach. I am DBing and have been for 3 weeks now but I had to finally vent. I have lurked here for a while and knew that venting here was acceptable so I then registered to get it out and get feedback. Im also on another forum but they do not allow venting there AFAIK.
Im currently following the "do not persue and work on ME" part right now. Doesn't fase her at all but at least I am starting to feel better. She is living with me as a roomate until Feb so this makes it hard on me.
And yes I realized that I screwed up big time last night but I had to let it out and finally let her know how angry I was at her for hurting me. I could not help it. Im sure this will cost me later.
One Q: Should I appologize to her for last night? DBing side of me tells me not to.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
I was drinking with family and came home and let it all out. I couldnt help it. I was holding it in for too long.
Uh-uh. Nope. No "I couldn't help it." It was a CHOICE, and you made that choice. There are other ways to express yourself that are respectful and allow you to have your say. Unleashing the beast upon your W--no matter how horrid she is--is not good for you.
There are no victims here.
I used to be the person who'd bottle it up until I unleashed a bottle of whoop-azz on my H, and that did nothing but make things worse. Through IC and a lot of personal work, I've learned how to express myself in ways that are productive.
You need to take care of your anger...FOR YOU...in a way that helps you begin to heal.
Sorry for the 2x4, but I get it. I found a love letter my H was writing, which had been painstakingly edited and revised with red pen. H was sleeping downstairs at the time, and what I most wanted to do was wake up him, scream like a crazy woman, and kick his butt out. But I didn't. In the middle of the night, I went for a walk instead until I could feel the feelings subside.
What are you doing to work on YOU?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Venting is fine but doing is what makes a difference.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well she is still living with me while waiting for the Judges signature / waiting period and for her own place to be ready.
She is civil when she gets what she wants but far from friendly towards me. If she doesnt get what she wants she acts like a spoiled and angry 13 year old girl.
Now that my eyes are open I am doing everything I can to try and find out if there is or was an OM. Sometimes I stoop a little low but I don't care. I have three good reason to know.
If I could only find out what her laptop password is, I could probably put this fear to rest and move on.
First, my heart goes out to you. I am in an SSM and don't know what the future will bring for me. I do know that even if I find it hard to believe, I am part of the reason my marriage relationship is in crisis. I have to keep telling myself that so that I can focus on changing myself to be a better, happier, more complete person with a stronger self-image. You may wish to also do some introspection, reading and/or counseling so that you too can let go and emotionally grow from your crisis.
Since you say that your divorce is immenent. I would suggest that you let go of your wife. This means really letting go. There is absolutely no reason that you need to find out what she has been hiding from you. It will only hurt you to learn what it is that she is hiding. It will not make you a better or happier person. Focus your time and effort on making yourself truly happy with yourself. Don't spend another second on trying to figure her out, you and your adult child need to be your focus.
You indicated that you have a son who is grown and living on his own. This has got to be tearing him apart and making him wonder if a "marriage for him" will be doomed to failure. I suggest that you figure out how to spend time with him.
In my SSM, if I end up divorcing my wife, I intend to make sure my two adult sons know that I am extemely proud of them and the fact that my 38 years of marriage created two wonderful human beings. I also want them to know that my love for them is not something they will ever need to worry about loosing. The best way that I feel that I can do that is by showing them that even if my wife and I go our separate ways that I still have love for the mother of my children and that I do not regret our time together that created my children and the time we spent raising them. This may help them in being better husbands and fathers. I want to lead by example that in life one should look at one's glass as half full and not half empty.
My final thought is that you should read up on the steps involved in grieving: Anger, denial, bargaining,.....acceptance. If I were you, I would write out the steps and figure out where you are in that process. Then I would do whatever it takes to quickly move myself along to acceptance and realizing that I am not a bad person and that your wife is not a bad person, but she is merely a flawed human being.
Good luck to you. I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your warnings.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Needless to say I am going to stay away from the beer until she is out of my house. Mind you that I am not a big drinker to begin with. It was a social thing with my brothers who drink every weekend.
I am Dbing in that I am doing some 180s. I have always tried to do nice things for her so it's not like there are a lot of 180s I can switch on. How I dress is one of them but I dont have a budget for a whole new wardrobe just yet.
I am trying to look better and show her I am trying to be a better person and take this divorce as a man. And I am trying not to be clingy or needy and I try to stay out of her way. I try to be an independant (strong) man around her and try to only cry or vent in private (shower or car etc).
For myself I am exercising and getting closer to friends and family that I have not been that close with in the past. This part feels good and I am connecting with my brothers again.
Im also dieting. Went from 251 to 238 lbs in a short time. If there is one thing for sure it's that a divorce will do wonders for weight loss. I don't even think about food now and sometimes have to force myself to eat something durring the day.
All this is hard on me. After 22 years of marriage it's hard to change my thinking. Every time I think Im strong and can finally move on, it seems I wake up the next morning and feel like Im on day one of my situation and break down just before I have to go to work.
I wish I was as strong as some of you here.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Just wanted to say that I am doing exactly that for my Son. Don't want this divorce to hurt his outlook either. Love and marriage is a wonderful thing and I let him know this. If it werent wonderful then this divorce wouldnt be hitting me so hard in the first place.
I did not get physical or anything with my wife last night. Only told her how I felt and raised my voice to her. She just absolutely will not tell me why she really wants a divorce and this is killing me. "I dont love you anymore" just doesnt compute with me. She never came to me to tell me there was a problem. That is what is killing me.
It's like Im fighting a battle with an invisible enemy.
No I was not perfect and in retrospect I have did a lot of soulsearching and now clearly see some of my faults. I am working on them now as I never want to repeat this ever again in the future. Could not handle something like this again. I KNOW that I will be a better person. Im going that way now but it's slow because Its hard to change oneself.
As far as what state Im in? I would say that it feels like I am in anger, denial, acceptance and grieving all at the same time. Im sorry but that is the way it feels. I really just dont know where I am right now. Im all over the place from day to day.
I do really worry about my wife now as she is not the person I married. Her father passed away recently and she showed no emotions. When our Son moved out she also showed no emotions. And with this divorce that she threw on me she shows no emotions. She is as cold as ice towards me. Like a robot. Yet when she talks to friends and family she is her normal friendly and loving self. I just dont get it. How is this possible.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
