Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

Hi TF and D,

I can relate to what both of you are sharing. D had a good reminder that our spouses are in many ways emotionally like a teenager. The kids can pick up this. I shared alot about what MLC is with D12, only b/c I knew she didn't get what was going on. She actually is a pretty good observer of her Dad's 'teenage mindset' now. D14 just thinks MLC is an excuse for my continued hope that things will work out..

It is exhausting being the "only" parent most of the time.. reminder that we need to find our breaks when we can and fill up our tanks when we can.

I really am beginning to dislike almost all holidays now! LOL..more stress, more reminders of the major changes in our lives... I'm trying to keep a positive perspective about Christmas, but I'm not sure it'll last.

I am looking forward to seeing lots of good movies this break without the guilt H usually dished...! I guess its the little things that get us through.

Yes I would like to echo the thanks for posting HappyAgain's threads. It certainly is helpful to look into the MLC mind. I found that while reading those I wanted to say to him what I have wanted to say so often to my husband...."Wake up and get your head out of your xxxxx!" Of course it wouldn't have helped either one of them, and probably wouldn't have helped the situation either.

In really wonder how the holidays will go? My H has been much more of a bear lately, irritable, snappish. I am going to do my best to leave him alone as much as possible.

FHS,



I can't tell you how many times that has gone through my head!! Especially more lately as I see parts of my H slowly starting to "come back." This is such a very long journey.

Your H is still at home, right?

Yes TF, he still is.

I was just reflecting that this is just about 1 year post bomb (dec 7th). I didn't find the DB forums until April and since that time have been trying to apply the techniques and there has been improvement. He used to dissappear every weekend and sometimes during the week as well. I know he wasn't always seeing OW, she lives too far away. I was out GAL, would come home from my bellydance lessons(!) and he would be gone, just a note about "I HAVE to leave." Anyway, he has improved to the point that he only goes now about 2 weekends a month. I am hoping that things are burning out between the two of them. Last holidays were hard everything being so fresh and new and PAINFUL. This year I really am celebrating for ME and he'll have to either enjoy himself of not, as he sees fit. Only he can decide if he's going to be happy.

I hope your holidays are wonderful!

Finding fellow DBers with the MLCer still at home is tough. It makes me always be waiting for the other shoe to drop . . .

I am glad to see your H is home more! Hopefully slow and steady wins the race. My H is home way more than he was even a year ago (still pre-bomb).

I am with you - celebrating for me and the kids. We are excited. If he wants to come along for the ride, so be it. If he wants to tune out (like he did last Christmas), it is his loss.

Enjoy your holiday as well!

Okay, I think I am out of here until after Christmas. Thank you all for your support the past few months. I truly couldn't have done it without you. May your holiday season be blessed!

TF,
Thanks for your support this year as well! Hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas! Hope to hear how it went after the holiday!

KJ, How was your Christmas? Did H spend it with you and the girls?

Mine was overall better than expected. On Christmas Eve H actually volunteered to run a couple of last minute errands for me. He hasn't done that for months and months. And of course it was greatly appreciated (and I told him so) so I didn't have to battle the crowds with the kids. He was around the whole time and waaaaaay more involved than last year, which I found interesting. Last year (still 3 months pre bomb) he had already been detaching from me and the kids in a big way and really wasn't involved with the festivities, other than his body being there. This year he played with the kids with their gifts, participated in our traditions, etc. It was nice, though there was definitely something "missing". I also got better gifts than expected as well (and at first I felt bad I had gotten him next to nothing but then didn't - he has spent so much on himself and he threw me to the curb as well).

He chose not to come to the extended family stuff yesterday (he will not see my parents) but that was his loss. We had fun. Still, when we got home I was so sad.

In a way, I am really glad the holidays are over now, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was dreading them but they were okay . . .

Forever,

I just wanted to let you know that some of the comments you made over on Lost's thread (didn't want to hijack over there) were just what I needed to be reminded of as well today. I went to bed last night just being so fed up with this whole crazy ride, just wanting more, just wanting to feel "married" again. I was so ready to get off the ride and put it all behind me but your comments reminded me again why I am still here. So thanks.:) I wonder why I feel that way when things are so much better than they were months ago but I guess maybe the reality of the duration of this whole thing once in awhile really sinks in.

TF,

Glad to hear the holidays have turned out better than you expected.

I seems to be common that the LBS's cycle even when things seem to be better. It's a difficult path and there are times when some kind of closure any kind of closure is what gets stuck in our minds. Just to be over one way or the other. It can be hard at times to rein those fellings in.

My thought process involves not doing anything (or at least keeping it to a minimum) if I'm angry or upset. I still haven't settled into indifference or true peace, but it does come and go. It will come for good at some point.

HUGS