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Thanks Deep,
That is very helpful. I am a Christian, and was actually just spending some time in prayer before coming on here to look for some peace and guidance to move forward. I was reminded of the betrayal Jesus experienced and his ability to love and forgive. So, this was a confirmation of that. I also felt stronger to release my hurt and betrayal to him and leave it there (for now...always seem to take it back again, but I guess that is being human, isn't it?) Then , you gotta release it again.

The other day, my H was standing in the kitchen deep in thought. I asked him about it. He looked at me with such regret in his eyes and said, "I never wanted this to be your life story, my life story, the kids' life story... but now it is. I am so sorry."

I hugged him and said, "It is only part of our life story. It doesn't define it all. There is plenty of story left to write."

That is the perspective I am trying to remember right now. Not always easy, but it seems to help.

H is admitting struggling with letting go emotionally of OW. I can understand that, intellectually, but damn that hurts! If anyone has any pointers on dealing with that, it would be much appreciated.

Not sure what to say to you to help you get over that hurt associated with your H having trouble letting go of OW. I know what you're going through.

I told my W at some point when she said she was scared to try to make our marriage work and scared not to try that I understood because for the rest of my life I'll have the knowledge that there is at least one person out there that knew just the right buttons to push on her that convinced her that being with him was worth risking everything we have together. And that's a total kick in the groin.

On a positive note, now that W's fog has cleared, she realizes she didn't really love OM, but just the fantasy that OM represented. And I can live with that. Still hurts terribly some times, but ya know what? There are times I think back to my first love and kind of break into that Kid Rock song about Summer time in Northern Michigan, except it was Northern Ohio. Does that mean I think that first love was the ONE? No, not by a long shot, but she was special. I like to think of W's OM as holding kind of the same place. For me it makes it easier to deal with.

Hope this helps.

You know, Hope, that actually really does help a lot.
H has also begun to realize that he doesn't think what he felt was actually love... altho at the time he obviously believed it was, so much so that he almost risked everything.

I have also thought about my "first love" and the "left over" feelings that are associated with that, to help understand what H is going through. It does help to think of it that way. This is all still so fresh for us. I understand it often takes a good three months of NC before the WAS is fully feeling "detangled" emotionally. I have to remember it has only been a few weeks. And, even then she has tried to contact H who has been great about maintaining the total NC.

I know I will get thru this part, it just sucks.

Sorry Rocked, that does suck.

BF never told me that he loved OW and I have never asked because I thought it would be too painful to hear. During the A he insisted that he wasn't interested in going into another R (although obviously that was a lie since he moved in with her when I kicked him out). And I have asked him if he was having any difficulty letting her go emotionally. He still swears that he didn't because she didn't mean anything to him. Well, not sure if that's better or worse that he was willing to throw away everything we have/had for someone he didn't even care that much about.



That is the truth. Remember that when it gets hard.

While I'm still not 100% sure I will stay with BF, we already have made some great new memories. It's not easy but it does get easier.

H4L: I know what you're saying. I think it's not that there is someone out there who can push those buttons, but that the W allows those buttons to exist, whether through family upbringing, character, dynamics that resulted from the M, or a combo. The point is to have the commitment to work through not having those buttons there in the first place. Some character aspects may take a lot of work to iron out.

Rocked: always be positive of course, but the whole getting over OP thing is a moving target, and it's best you accept that. As someone posted in Puppy's (I think) thread, sometimes when my W looked pensively out the window, I do wonder if she is thinking of OM.

Personally, I also find that piecing involves some detaching from detachment . Remember the strong, confident, FABULOUS person you became? Well yeah, technically, you remain that person, and the M is a matter of choice not need. But that person wouldn't necesssarily choose to stay on with a known betrayer perhaps. One's gotta back down a little, open up again. And this is a whole nother thing from the forgiveness angle. Forgiveness is a separate and difficult ourney itself.

Sorry to ramble. Perhaps it's time I start a thread here too. Cheers!

Hi Deep,
I know there are parts of this I do just have to accept. My H really did believe he was in love with OW. He is grieving. He misses her. That hurts like hell for me, but it is what it is. I can't change that. There is a long road of healing to go.

Deep and Pearl -
You have both caused me to remember that the person I worked on becoming through the DB process is much stronger, with much firmer boundaries than the person I was pre-bomb. I have to remember that. We are "piecing" and there are many, many signs of positive progress. I believe my H is sincere in his desire to re-commit and to heal our M as well as himself. But, there are no guarantees and I have learned a new commitment to my own self care and well-being. I will always have the option that I do not need to remain in a M if these things cannot be addressed or if H can't/won't do what needs to be done on his end to have a healthy M.

In the meantime, I am trying to process my hurt/anger/betrayal in bits and pieces. My IC said it is a sign of a psychologicially healthy person when emotions come in "waves" in a crisis like this. She said it is a sign that your brain is helping you integrate the emotional crisis a bit at a time, so that it can be processed slowly and fully. If we tried to deal with all the intense emotion all at once we would fall apart.

so, when the waves hit (which they do, every day, several times a day) if I can, I stop what I am doing and just feel. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I rant. Sometimes I just breathe. But, then I try to release it and move on. Not always successful at it, but getting there.

Grateful to have another C appt. today, it really is helpful for me...

Dealing with things in waves is good. I remember when the bombs were first dropped I was emotionally numbed, never cried. Then when the piecing started I found myself crying every day. Grr.

But what you've just reminded me of is that I didn't allow myself to throw pity parties because I thought wallowing wasn't going to do me any good so just don't do it. I need to back to that thinking. And I am not at all saying that you're wallowing, you are doing the opposite--dealing with the emotions and moving forward. That's what I need to be better at.

Rocked, Your IC is a wise person.

My counselor told me pretty much the same thing, but also I need to keep that in mind when dealing with my W. He told me that that is why true recovery takes so long, because once the wayward spouse decides to return to the marriage, they have a TON of chit to deal with and for them to deal with it all at once is just not possible. They have to process it in little bits or else it would be just TOO overwhelming.

That's why it's necessary for us LBS's to not push for too much, too soon. It sucks to be us, but we have to recover at their pace, just as much as our pace.

And I think my marriage is a living testament to that. As we move forward, W is more and more willing to open up and I think it just shows that as time passes and she processes everything, she is able to come to grips with just what this has done to me/us and is better able to handle it.

Hurt like hell? Um...YES. But if you truly want to work it out, it's something we have to deal with. And I can tell you that every day I see/hear my W say/do things that tell me she get's it and even though I'd wished we'd never went through it, our marriage is probably better than it was before, and it wasn't bad prior to the A.

I think you wrote a couple of posts back that you read/heard it will take 3 months (???) for your H to get over OW. Don't hold on to that. I was told by my counselor that many times, the WD from the OP can take as long or longer than the affair lasted. And he was right on the money in my sitch. W's A lasted, at least in her mind, a whole year, and it was almost exactly a year after it ended that I truly started to see my REAL W back. And she told me recently that at about that one year point is when she "woke up" and realized just where she really wanted to be.

Not saying that to discourage you, but to help you realize that if your H still has his moments even after 3 months, don't worry, it's completely normal.

Keep it up. It's a long hard road, but at least for me, it's SO worth it.

Thanks Hope4us,
I do realize it probably will be a longer process than I want it to be. the A lasted about 8 months, so realistically I know there is still a long road to go.
H is starting his own IC now, and so far has found it very helpful. H is talking with me about what he is learning in his own journey, and I can tell he knows he has a long road too.
My C did also say I have to go at H's pace... I know she is right, I know you are right. And, it does suck. But, it is the reality. I get why it is that way.
Thanks for sharing more about your M and reconciliation process. It does give me hope.

That's awesome that he's talking with an IC and is doing that self reflection that's necessary to recover from this.

I didn't know it at the time, but my W was doing those self reflections. She wasn't sharing that with me, but she was. Would it have been easier if she'd have shared that with me? Heck yes it would (he says in his best Napoleon Dynamite voice), but as long as she's done that reflection, that's all that matters.

Sounds like your H is taking those necessary steps to figure out just WHY he did what he did. And that bodes well for your future.