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Hi Rocked good to hear things are moving along slowly but surely, you are being very understanding that H is going to have his own issues, but giving him that now will payback ten fold at a later date.

Haha.. I love Napoleon Dynamite! Little private jokes I have with my teenage sons... My S18 can imitate him exactly!

Journaling,

I'm not sure if this is TMI but not sure where else to process this.
I'm sure other "piecers" have navigated the waters of getting their sexual relationship back on track after reconciling.

H and I had a great sex life before the A. He has always said that, and said that sex was not the issue of why the A happened, nor was it the appealing part of the A. H said he didn't really enjoy sex with OW as she was quite demanding, selfish, and "rushed". H and I have always been creative, tried different things, both enjoy lots of foreplay, etc.

Anyway... prior to the A, H was starting to struggle with performance for the first time ever since I've known him. I have a pretty high drive, but I felt I was quite understanding and didn't pressure. That's when he first started talking about being unhappy with his life etc. That continued since. When I discovered the A (even when I thought it was only an EA) our sexual R stopped and I moved him into another bedroom. H tells me he had performance problems with OW as well, at times not being able to perform at all, which would upset her greatly (apparently).

Since reconciling, the sex was great at first (a bit like a second honeymoon). Now, H is struggling again. It seems to have coincided with the guilt starting to set in.

What I could use help with is.... how do I respond? I have been understanding and no pressure.

But, do I pursue so he feels wanted? do I back off all together and let him iniate when he feels up to it (no pun intended! lol). In the past I always did a lot of initiating, but now am worried about pressuring...

any ideas...? is there something i should be doing differently?

Have you asked him what would make him feel better? Would he prefer to initiate when he feels up to it or would he rather let you initiate?

I think this is something he needs to discuss with his IC. If there were no problems at first it probably is stemming from guilt.

Rocked, Funny, I'm kind of dealing with the same thing although a woman can "perform" even if she's not in the mood or feeling guilty.

I'm not sure I have any advise as I've never had a problem like that....well....except when too much tequila is involved. But anyway, not sure what to tell you.

I know guilt can be a m-f'er. I've seen it really affect my W. When she doesn't think about stuff or has enough to drink, she lets herself go, but since the troubles, she's said to me a number of times "I just don't feel sexy".

So what to do with that? Patience, no pressure, understanding. And I agree with Pearl, probably something to discuss with his IC. Might be something deep seated there affecting his performance. Seems like just one more thing that us LBS have to carry the load on.

I guess that's a long winded way to say I understand without really having any advise.

Oh, and one more thing that recently happened to me.

I was talking to one of the guys who works for me. I've been pretty open with my guys and the troubles W and I were having. Didn't get into details, but they all knew we were in pretty bad shape.

Any way, one of the guys told me that about 10 years ago, he was in the same place as my W was, that he wanted out, etc. Basically he was a WAS. But eventually, he snapped out of it and he now loves his W more than anything because she stuck with him even though he probably didn't deserve it. He said he's just amazed at her patience and now that he sees things clearly, he just can't believe how stupid he was. And this is the part that really hit me. He said to me "ya know, guilt is a m-f'er. Give your W time. That's all she really needs. But once she figures it out and deals with it, she'll love you more than ever".

Something to think about.

Thanks Pearl and Hope,

I haven't asked him directly and, duh... that would make sense wouldn't it? I do think we need to have a conversation about it, I just didn't want that to feel like pressure either.

Suggesting he talk to his IC is a good idea too. Again, I don't want to make too big a deal of it, but I think that would help. He has only had 2 sessions so far, says he feels very comfortable with her, but I am guessing his male pride won't let him confide that part yet.... hopefully he will in time.

Hope, you are right, I think that guilt is a m-f'er. that about sums it up. I think my H was struggling with depression before the A, still is, and now has guilt on top of it.

Thanks also for the story you shared with me. My H said to me last night, "You are saving me, literally saving me. If you are ever feeling insecure in our relationship again, just remember that. That alone deserves me making this up to you for the rest of my life." So, yeah, I think he is already starting to realize my worth and value in sticking by him when he doesn't deserve it.

Rocked, I think with what your H is saying, you guys are going to make it.

Sure, there'll be some bumps along the way, but from what you've written, he sounds like he truly "gets it". And that makes all the difference in the world when recovering from these kinds of things.

H4U.

Rocked,

From the things you have described, I think you and your husband could really benefit from a Retrouvaille weekend. they are held a few times annually, all over the world. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org, for dates and locations. Reconciling is difficult. Of course, having two partners with the desire to reconcile in the most important ingredient. If you want to succeed, there is no stopping you!

Thanks Hope... I think he does. I know we've got a long road ahead, but I think he does. It is encouraging to hear that from someone else too.
Lotus, I have brought that idea up. My H has an issue with it having a Catholic "base" to it, even though I've explained to him that is not the focus, nor is that pushed. I think it would be great for us, and am hoping he will soften to the idea in time.

On another note, today is the 22nd anniversary of our very first date. I started to say something about it this a.m. and H jumped in and finished for me, saying... "do you think I wouldn't remember Dec. 18th?" He gave me a hug and we had a nice nostalgic moment together. I think he does get it.