I know my wife is suffering and I would do anything to take the pain for her.
Why? Why would you subject yourself to that? I know it sounds noble and romantic, but it's really not. It sounds weak and clingy.
HER CHOICES, HER CONSEQUENCES. It was her choice to get involved with OM.
This presents her with two options:
1) Dump him and go back to you 2) Dump you and go be with him
Either one of those options are going to be painful for her. But she has to do it.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Yes, I see your point. The problem is dumping our M causes pain for my kids as well. Can she even see that through the fog?
We had guests last night so she had to be cool. But this morning, I could tell she woke up seething with anger. I told her that she seemed angry. She shot back, "You don't know anything. You probobly read some article that says I should be sad because I can't see the OM, but you don't know anything." Jez, it sounded like something a lovesick teen ager would say. Frankly, it was hard not to crack up. I responded with, "I am sorry you are in pain." and left the room. I then recieved low key hostility for the rest of the morning. But she did acknowledge that she could not see him anymore. Interesting?
What about the A? I mean, it doesn't just end right? It is a grief process--there is denial, anger, guilt, etc. I mean, I cannot realistically expect her to go cold turkey. She has some real tough sh*t to deal with here, right.
You can -- and SHOULD -- expect her to go cold turkey.
If she DOES, there will be "hard withdrawal" for 2-3 weeks. NOT pretty. Followed by total withdrawal taking anywhere from 6-18 months.
If she DOESN'T, and she's in a good mood, it means they're back together. If she doesn't and she is just in occasional contact with him at work or elsewhere, then it's going to be a loooong, drawn-out process, because each time there is new contact, her withdrawal "clock" will reset to 0:00.
Ok. Here is what is going on with me. I am in a state of shock and anger today. This morning, I prayed for patience, and strength It takes all my energy to keep a possitive attitude in her presence. Last night, I was in my home office reading my email. She came in and asked if I was reading more of her emails. I simpy said, no. Yes, I added a bit of mystery to my conduct. She lingered, so I ignored her. How dare she question me? It amazes me that she could be carrying on like this with OM and just last week ask me to finance her business! She was angry for days when I said no. She was also willing to let me believe I was losing my mind with jelousy. She was fine with this. How could she show me all these months of anger and hostility while she is the one doing real harm to her family? Where is my wife?
I do empathize -- my wife reacted much the same way. The sense of entitlement in these things often runs very deep, esp. among "princesses."
I do NOT condone her affair -- don't misunderstand -- but I do believe that we generally "teach" people how to treat us, over time. THAT part of this, is your (and it was my) fault as much as it is your wife's.
Time to teach her differently, by treating yourself better, and expecting the same from her.
You just got hit with a wave of anger of the situation, it's normal. You need to get it out - exercise, vent, pray, play with the dog, plan for 2010, make a list of what you are grateful for.
Anger will blind you. Your wife is right in front of you on her own journey. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I recently let go a lot of internal hostility and anger before this came to light. I have no intention internalizing this crap. I have also accepted my responsibility for the current state of my M. That is not a problem. The problem is that I have accepted my part and hers to readily in the past.
So your wife reacted to your challenge with anger and entitlement, eh? Did she say all the stuff about how bad your marriage was, got married for the wrong reasons, how you were not connected, etc? Did she challenge your boundries? I am not doing that, etc.? But she came around didn't she?
I am meeting with L on Thursday. I am straddling two worlds here. I am fully ready to work on my M and I am increasingly ready to move on to what is next for me.
I think you meant these questions for me, Wonderful, and my wife DID for the most part respect all of my boundaries, I will give her that. Other than that, however, I got all of the rest of it -- "we've never been 'right'", "We haven't been in love for a long time," "I don't love you anymore," "I can't stand being married to you," "I'LL JUST GET A DIVORCE THEN!" etc., etc., etc.
Hope is at a low for me right now. Part of the hope I was clinging to was that she was not being honest with her self about her involvemnent with the OM. Turns out, she was not being honest with me. That hope is gone. If anyone has words of encouragement, now would be the time.
