Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Gucci and Robx...U 2 got a min. to weigh in???

PDT's the John Holmes of the DB board.

1. Going out with his friends, not a big deal.

2. Going out with his friends and making sure he takes off his wedding ring is putting out the message, "hey I'm single and if I meet some women, they'll know i'm single". It's not specific to men either, women do this all the time.

3. Going back to sleeping on the couch when his wife wants him to sleep in the same bed. Give us some more details here. Did you have an affair, and if so are you acknowledging that this bothers him alot. What has created this distance between the two of you? Are you angry with him all the time? Do you have high expectations of him, you don't accept him as he is, do you pressure him alot? Does he feel like married life with you is sucking the life out of him?

Him sleeping on the couch while you are wanting him to sleep in the bed with you speaks volumes, there is alot of distance between the two of you, he feels so far away from you that sleeping next to you and being separated by a few inches actually intensifies this feeling. He feels alone or lonely for some reason and lying next to you reminds him of this. Yeah I'm reaching with this but I've read about this a few places, sounds like what's happening here.

As for your actions, are you reacting to everything he does? Are you being verbal along with everyone of your reactions? Does he feel like nothing he ever does is right or good enough?

More info please.

Robx-Him sleeping on the couch while you are wanting him to sleep in the bed with you speaks volumes, there is alot of distance between the two of you, he feels so far away from you that sleeping next to you and being separated by a few inches actually intensifies this feeling. He feels alone or lonely for some reason and lying next to you reminds him of this. Yeah I'm reaching with this but I've read about this a few places, sounds like what's happening here.

Can you elbaborate on this..my husband is doing this but he sometimes he wants to sleep with me on the couch..he is actually sleeping in the basement..

Elaborate?

Read what I wrote.

If a man's wife wants him to sleep in the same bed as her (I'm assuming you're asking him or are you just using mental telepathy, "he should know!") and he doesn't want to, something must have happened. He feels lonely around you, even though you're there he feels alone, something has seriously damaged the connection between the 2 of you.

Whenever he sees you, he is reminded that he is alone when he's with you. Something is making him feel like that. You tell me why would your husband feel alone when he's in the home with you, when he's sleeping next to you?

Do you make him feel like a man?
Do you make him feel like a husband?
Do you make him feel like a friend?
or do you make him feel like a roommate?

When is the last time you told him that you really miss it when he sleeps next to you? That it makes you feel good to have sleeping next to you? Makes you feel more secure that he is lying next to you? That you feel lonely when he isn't in the bed with you?

Again, the mental telepathy thing, having those thoughts and saying them are 2 different things.

Make up something,
tell him you had a bad dream the other night and you would really appreciate it if he would sleep in the bed with you one night just so you can feel more secure.

Yes it's a white lie, I'll grant you that.

What else are you doing to achieve this effect?

I am sorry to hijack your post but I feel as part of this thread is like mine.
lately I have not asked him to sleep in our bed..our 5 year old is currently sleeping with me..he wants me to lay with him on the couch but then tells me to go upstairs..I am not pursuing which is why I am not telling him I miss it. I do not nag, bit**, complain, bring up anything concering my x-friend that he was supposedly in an A with 3 years ago and not sure if they still talk, I keep the house clean, cook him dinner, I have lost 50+lbs, I support him in what he wants to do in life...what more can I do? really? If you read my thread..h is an alcoholic, in April he left his job to go to Law school which did not work out..he now hates his job and blames me for not getting to go to law school. I encourage him to find his passion, go back to school. I really am NOW..not then a good wife..but I am not sure he will ever forgive me or as he says..trust me again..which is bs...I am not responsible for his life

Rob:

Thanks for coming onto the thread, I really appreciate it. I could go on and on about the back ground but here is the cliffs notes version and it’s still long!! The post that you have is from a month ago.

Marriage not great from day 1. He was super hero, prince on a horse when the entire time we we dated. Engaged, buy house and day before we close I find he's cheated on me. My co-dependent butt still goes ahead with marriage w/ no counseling. We get pregnant on honeymoon, (we planned it that way) he is fairly non present in our lives emotionally for the pregnancy and the first year. He wakes up big time as a Dad when DD's a year old. Remains highly connected to her and withdraws further from me. H/I develop a parent/child dynamic. I continue pursuing my degree in hopes that it might give us a financial security. He keeps wrecking cars, getting speeding tickets buying ATV's without telling me and spending money as fast as I make it. He is on the Internet at night 5-6 hours at a time playing World of Warcraft/watching porn/chatting or out in shed building something. He is also lying a great deal and I catch him in lies all the time. But I don’t call him on it. I am alone alot. I do the martar/passive aggressive thing but then every few months or so I go insane, crying, saying I can’t live like this. It’s like being a single mom but I’m doing everything for him. It’s like having two children, etc. This circle jerk continues for 4 years. We go to counseling for 3 weeks and he says he no longer wants to go cuz it’s not working or making him any happier. We almost gets fired from his job (has been fired before) for lack of focus and I broach the subject about looking seriously at his ADHD diagnosis. He does and starts med. I have a new husband for about 3 months. He’s attentive, loving, committed, we have fun, great sex life again. Meds get switched and EVERYTHING changes. We are back to the computer and isolating and a very short fuse. Things come to a head in Feb, when I don’t get even a Happy Valentines Day on Valentines Day. He comes home with no apology or anything. The next day he says “Oh yeah, about yesterday, I just forgot”. I loose it. And tell him that I would stay in the house with him as friends for DD’s sake but I could not love him as much as I do and be an optional person in his life as it was just too painful. I admitted to him that my low self esteem was really being triggered by his lack of attention, etc and that was NOT his issue, it was mine and I immediately sought help for this. During this time I connected with an ex bf on Facebook. We began an emotional affair. H pursues like crazy but I don’t believe him because promises have been made time and time again and never kept. He finds out about EA and spiral’s down into deep depression (he is also bi-polar). He ends up doing some pretty scary stuff like smashing my computer into pieces and breaking a door and smashing the phone. Hacking into my FB account and putting spyware on new computer. He also finds out lied to him about smoking weed a few years ago, once. He tells me that he can never trust me again and that I’m a drug addict. He then spirals down to a point where he ends up in a lock down psych ward. He comes out a week later and asks if I have been in contact with ex. I lie and tell him no. He finds phone, sees texts and goes really out of control. At this time I feel it’s best for my DD and I to live with my mom and I want a divorce. I leave in May and we are in contact the entire time and in marriage counseling. I am unmoveable in my stance to divorce. I break off EA and get some more individual therapy that leads me to the conclusion that I am as much to blame for this as he is and I really love him I just don’t trust him..with anything. Also, I come to my senses about breaking up DD’s family and come back on June 21st. My husband, during this time has now detached from me and has had a PA and doesn’t want reconciliation, makes appointment at mediator, I beg, plead, guilt, beg some more that we try to keep saving our marriage but he says no way. We go to mediation and I am crying the entire time. We get home and that night he changes tune saying he will try. We continue to go to counseling and he is continuing to see other girl but lying about it. I find out, call him on it and he says we will try and cuts off w/ OW. He still says he’s not seeing her to this day but I have no confirmation of that. We even end up going to Retrouvaille. Come back from Retrouvaille on 9/13 in worse shape than going in and he is adamant that marriage is over and wants out but has no money to leave our house. Since then, we are living like friends with benefits. He comes and goes as he pleases, joins DD and I on family things when and if he wants, is affectionate when he wants to be (we have sex often and only when he wants to) and cold when he wants to be. Is overspending his own money and dipping into “ours” even though he was adiment about getting his own checking account so I didn’t “dole” money out to him. I still handle everything in the house. He has very little responsibility but blames me for being controlling but when I tell him to take something over he says “No, it’s ok. I don’t really want the responsibility.” To me that reaks of “I’ll just mess it up anyway” but I KNOW he is capable to doing it. He is brilliant in SOOOO many ways and I tell him this often.

Fast forward to this past Wednesday, out of the blue, during a mundane convo, H says that he wants to make sure I know he’s “there in the house because he can’t afford to move and still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t what’s making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave or anything and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and THEN he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs to bed, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.

How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so unhappy. When he said he’s try again, in August, he made this grand jesture of putting the bedroom back together with both our things and had candles going. God, I was SOOO happy to see that. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, GAL’ing and detaching. Where do I go from here? Do I go back to last resort stuff? Do I just do the basics of DB’ing? WHAT??? Has anyone been in this situation? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay for the next two years while I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN leave me. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard. He changes his emotions constantly. I fooled myself into thinking that this past month was just him trying to regroup. I was absolutely in denial. Soooooo stupid.

I ‘m sure I’m missing some stuff but that’s most of it. I have never accepted him as he is and we talked about this during Retro. He doesn’t accept me either. But I’m doing my absolute best to do that now. However, the truth of the matter is that he has a medical/mental issue that isn’t being addressed properly and this is compounding the problem. My H sees my asking him to take a more focused approach to the issue (as it may help how unhappy he is) as controlling. I see it as another layer of helping our individual issues that will ultimately help us be better partners. I mean, if he has depression issues and says he's unhappy, isn't it fair of me to want to explore that and not allow him to blame me and our marriage for all the unhappiness? I am very ok with admitting my issues and culpability in this situation. I have behaved horribly and see where my EA, controlling/parenting him and passive agressive communication style has created a dynamic that is murder on our marriage...and have told him so. I have also I need help and I’m getting a lot of it. I know that I can’t control him or “make” him do anything. I can only change me….as hard as that is for me to see..it’s the truth.

I need to create a plan. For some reason I don't know how to handle this with him IN the home but I don't want him to leave either. Although some people say that him leaving might be and answer to us getting back together..but we don't have the money for an apartment.

HELP!!

So.. Let me recap..

Your marriage hasn't been great from day 1
He cheated on you almost from the beginning
You ALLOW him to have no responsibility so he can wreck cars, purchasing ATV's, spending money as fast as YOU (you didn't say we) can make it, is on the internet for hours and hours each day, lied to you a great deal, allows you to be alone a lot and he tells you he is unhappy and depressed and doesn't want YOU anymore...?????

Forgets Valentine Day, smokes weed, can't hold a job, breaks computers when angry, breaks doors, smashes phones etc...

Tells you that he is only staying until the bills (meaning YOU pay the bills while he mooches and plays like a little boy)


HE comes and goes as he pleases, takes his wedding ring off, gets sex from you whenever he wants, is cold when he wants, spends his own money as well as YOUR money when he wants.

You are taking care of EVERYTHING around the house. He calls YOU controlling even admits he doesn't want any responsibility for much of anything...


And now your self esteem is so low that you are lying to yourself and blaming yourself and telling us that "you have never accepted him just the way he is?????



What would you think we should give you as advice? Keep hanging in there and maybe he will see the error of YOUR ways and change because of your great an undying love? Keep allwing him to be a little boy and accept him as he is???


You are now paying for 3 and telling us that by giving him the big boot that taking care of only you and the child would cost more?????

IF this is all you expect and will settle for in a relationship then by all means stay. You are getting everything that you are settling for and more....

If you want and expect more from a man then I would make some DRASTIC decisions....


Goes something like this....

Stop doing anything for him. Take care of only you. Cut off the money you give to him. Stop having sex. Start going out and having fun and intereacting with others. Be mysterious and distant, but not mean or rude. Just matter of fact and business like..... Plot your plan to get him out of the house. Consult a lawyer and find out your options. Lay the groundwork for covering your own butt.


After a short time of the new attitude (which IS accepting this boy just as he is)



You then give him this prepared speech..

“ You know “little boy”, I have been doing some thinking and HERE is what I have decided. You are right in that this hasn’t been working. I don’t know why I haven’t seen that before. It hasn’t worked for basically our whole marriage. I have allowed you to come and go as you please, tried to control you, taken care of not only my responsibilities but ones that are clearly yours and even allowed you to stay in this place telling you that you don’t love me and want to leave as soon as I get the bills caught up.

“That doesn’t sound like such a good deal to me, but I now realize that it is a great deal for you.”

“So, I have decided I WILL NOT DO THOSE THINGS anymore. I think it would be best that YOU move out and get your own place. I realize that I am the cause of your unhappiness and I won’t have that anymore in my life. I would like you to find a place as soon as possible and want you out of here by____(give him a week or two) I already have a list of what I think is fair for you to take with you. (have a list ready)

“I believe that this is for the best for both of us and now realize that we should separate and proceed toward divorce. The sooner the better.”

“That is all I have to say. Anyway, I have to go ______(have somewhere pre-planned to go to for the remainder of the day or evening)

Then END the conversation. Follow through on your resolve. What can he say to that approach? If he agrees, then you know that you are right. If he disagrees, then you keep going back to what you told him…”you were right, you said this wasn’t working and I now agree with you” “you are right, I am too controlling and I have decided that you need to take care of yourself.” “I WON’T do this anymore.” “I WANT you out within two weeks so that we can move this forward once and for all”


That’s it. That is the attitude and your answer. You will never feel good about yourself as long as you stay with a man that gives you so little and you expect so little in return. That isn’t love, that is silly.


You have become his mommy. He is your son. NOT GOOD. Open your arms and let him go. Let him go grow up and see what adults have to do to live. He may need another mommy and may find another woman willing to mommy him. So be it.

AMEN!

Relationships should be mutually beneficial, what are you getting from him? Be honest with yourself.

You know with your recap, I can't help but also ask the question, is he physically abusive? You almost sound like you have a victim mentality of continuing to do so much for him and it's never good enough and he blames you for his horrible life and you keep doing more & more for him and he keeps taking more & more while making you feel like you're still not good enough for him. That has to stop, I hope you realize that.

I can understand wanting to be with someone who was loving & caring but your husband doesn't sound like any of those things and you have the mentality of "if I do this, this and that maybe he'll love me again and be a good husband and want to be married to me" and as you've seen from all your efforts that approach isn't working.

He sounds like a turd, and I would just say flush that turd down the toilet.

Can I ask why you love him, what is it about him that you are so attracted to? Or do you just want to remain married because you don't like the idea of divorce? If it's the last reason, that isn't a good enough one to stay married.