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There is a saying here on the board that when the WAW is in A with OM you can expect it to be like this when you see her:

She acts all happy, talkative, etc. = A is going well and she probably was just with the OM.

She is down, depressed, acting b*tchy, etc. = Things with OM is not going well and he may be wanting to back away.

Even though I feel sorry for her the way you described how she looked.......that might mean that she's not very happy with OM at the moment and that is good.

I think you handled yourself very well. The boundary was great.

You are in a special stitch given her past situation. Remember to do like you did this last time. Be nice, calm, firm and if she offers to be nice....that's good. Just don't allow your emotions to get sucked into the moment and over-kill on any of the DBing. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think you did this time (over-kill)......but I'm talking about in future times.

sandi2-Thanks again for your comments.

I can see your point about my WAW's behavior related to how her A is going.

I did not mention that WAW wore her (self-described) "favorite" sapphire earrings to the program on Wed night. I gave them to her 3 Christmases ago - she sobbed uncontrollably when she opened the box then. They didn't particularly match her attire on Wed. It is only the second time I have seen her wear jewelry I gave her since she moved out. Was this a subtle or subconscious reaching out? Am I reading too much into it?

I am going to call a locksmith this morning to change the locks on the house. WAW not entering the house without me there boundary was so clear to her before she asked. She brought it up as my boundary just last weekend. She is in another world right now.

I saw a reference to a list of do's and don't's of DBing on another thread. Were you the sandi that posted it? If so, could you post here please or put in a link?

I am going to call a DB Coach now.

cutterbug-

You asked earlier about who have I exposed the affair to. My closer friends knew, but I would like to start making it open to "the next layers of the onion" of people I and we know.

What do you think about me talking about the separation and D and appending <Wife's name> is having and affair with <OM's name>? There are many people who know only "her side" of the story (what an evil man I am, etc.).

I wonder if more light is the answer. Truth is an absolute defense to libel or slander.

What are your thoughts?

UGH!

Divorce mediation is scheduled for 930am this Sunday. Word from WAW's attorney is that all of the things I have said before are important (50% custody of S4 and S7, WAW off of my health ins., half of her IRA) they will do. WAW really wants out it seems. It is Monopoly money to her anyway because MIL has $$ and is giving WAW whatever money she needs.

Do I take a hard line on other issues? Be businesslike only? How about should WAW pay my attorney fees?

I don't plan to show any anger. Sadness perhaps.

Thoughts? Help? Is it basically hopeless?

Yes, that would be me. I would be glad to send the list.



I look at it this way.......be firm but not hateful or become a bully. Do what you think is right. When you don't know what to do...and can't get to the DB Board for answers, you just look into your heart and do what is right.

Let your Lawyer guide you in the finances and unless you feel that his advice is out of line, follow it b/c he is the professional and deals with this stuff all the time.



Don't show either one. Why would you show her how sad you are? Do you think that would cause her to have second thoughts? Not on your life! Works just the opposite on WAW's. She would see that as being pitiful and weak. So, keep yourself together and don't show any emotion. I say to be business like at the mediation b/c if I understand it, that is what it's about.....business matters.

Here's the list of Do's & Don'ts for the LBS:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

sandi2-Thanks X2 once again.

#32. My WAW is hurting and scared, for sure.

Mediation - businesslike and moving on. Got it.

I am going to ask for all of the jewelry I gave her throughout our relationship back because she has told me, twice, that the jewelry is "meaningless" to her. I will exclude her engagement ring and wedding band from the request so she sees it's not about money. I will give them to my sisters and nieces. What think you?

If it is not about money, does the jewelry have sentimental value.......like maybe it belonged to your great-grandmother? IMHO, unless this is the case, then I think you need to ask yourself what is the point or where is the real value in why you want any pieces back.

sandi2-Yes, as usual, you are on the mark!

I am sad that she told me to my face 2X that the jewelry is meaningless to her. Gifts was the love language she responded to for many years but not now.

Thanks.

You saw #32, but did you read it?

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.



She likely told you that because she knew it would hurt you.