Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help... I need to stop reacting!

You too Gardener!

Rocked--going way back to your first posts--

You don't offer much background as to why--if there is a why, your H broke it off with OW.

Was it just the A petering out? Your response to the news? a combination of all those things? or just something wonderful that you will never know?

I appreciate all the hard work you are going through in piecing. Guess I am in the pity pot right now and envious of a H who just "cuts off contact." As opposed to mine who is introducing the OW to his mother over Xmas.


So I was re-reading threads to see if there is a theme to a turn around point, or if every A just plays out its own individual way.

I hope your holidays with H are going well. Peace and strength to both of you.

Hi Aver,

Well now.... that is a very good question!

As best I can determine, the most likely answer to that is the combination of OW showing her true colors and me showing mine as well. What I mean by that is that OW is a 23 yo flake pot, immature, abusive, extremely self centered and very possibly mentally unwell. I could actually see signs of all that very early on into the "friendship" btw them (even though I only ever met her once in person... at church of all places). But I could see all that simply from her interactions with him on FB and the bits he was telling me before he stopped talking about her and started lying/hiding. Apparently, her fun, adventurous, flirty side was too attractive for him to see all that then.

Anyway, as I applied the DB principles, and then confronted the situation when I found out the full truth, I think things became clearer for him. After I confronted, OW seemed to think this meant she could kick things up a notch and put the pressure on for him to move out and move in with her. When he saw that she seemed to not give a s**t what was happening to his family and she became more and more demanding and abusive, he had to face the reality that she was not the "fantasy" he thought she was.

While she was doing this, I set boundaries, backed off, focused on the kids and me, GAl'ed and kept working on my 180's.

I don't know if this answers your question, but its the best I can answer....

Sorry you are struggling. That really sucks that he is introducing OW to his mom! You keep up what you are doing and you never know....
There were many points that I truly did not think things would turn around. He was so adamant at certain points that he had met the person for him and he and I were "never meant to be together". It was so devestating. But, here we are celebrating together as a family. Hang in there... no matter what, DBing is good for you!

Wishing you some peace of heart and mind today Aver...

thanks for your quick and thoughtful reply.

As far as I know, this OW is flaky, too (making out with a friend in the bar in front of X and ME!!) and X just sat there and grinned. I'm pretty sure they have no activities in common, and he is isolated from all his former friends--don't know if that does anything to bring an A to an end.

But this meeting his mom is such a punch to the gut. Honestly, X really has a difficult relationship with his mom and to bring someone to meet her is a big step.

Just been sobbing all afternoon. And here I was worrying that he might be in town on Xmas eve.

I guess the hard lesson here is LET IT GO. Either way it goes, I'll just keep chewing myself up inside.

9 months is a long time for an affair. As I said in an earlier post, is it even an affair if he finishes this relationship (abrupt as that may be) and enters a new one? I am just out of the picture.

Sorry to be a downer on Xmas. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

Tinsel and stars and Santa to all--

I hope you will feel better tomorrow also. I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling. "Let it go" is good advice, and it's something we HAVE to do...but it's hard! God bless you.

Aver,

You have every right to your emotions. What happened to you was not right. I do think it is an A, because as you say in your signature line there was no conversation and no process. To me, a 23 year relationship deserves a lot more than him making an abrupt choice and being with someone else. That is not right.

If that is true about her, then you just stick to your plan and work on being "the better option". Maybe 9 months is a long time for an A (it was 8 months for my H's) but there are some that go longer.

The fact that he has lost his old friends is and will be a factor. Maybe he hasn't experienced all the ramifications of that yet but he will. And, it will be harder than he thinks. My H and I just talked about that yesterday. He was discussing how some of the guys he respects most at work would have wanted nothing to do with him if he would have left me for OW. He said at the time he tried not to think about all he would have lost, because in his alien "fog" brain he was choosing to only focus on the fantasy of OW being "the one" to fix everything he thought was wrong with his life. But, he says now that he has more perspective on it, he can see how she would have literally ruined his life, in almost every way.

Reality DOES hit at some point. There will be social consequences, financial consequences, family consequences, sometimes career consequences, etc. WAS's can only avoid all that for so long, but eventually it does catch up.

Pick yourself up Aver, do something nice for yourself tonight. Remind yourself that you ARE the better option, and as you live that out... he just might see that if he has a brain in his head! lol

You are going to be ok my friend... better than ok... so be strong. Sending more peace your way...

Hi Antlers,

Nice to see you stop by my thread. I have read bits and pieces of yours but I don't think I've ever commented. Hope you are doing well and have found some peace and even moments of joy this Christmas.

Rocked

Hi Rocked. Merry Xmas.

I hope things are going well. Should drop by the other thread...

Hi Cutter,
I'm doing well... rough day yesterday but otherwise doing well. Hope you are too. Found you in the alt. I will also have to check your thread.
Take care!

Thanks for the words of support, rocked.

Good to be reminded that other people, with children no less, are seeing WAS go with OP at Xmas. I'm not the only one, and others have more hurt.

His mom emailed that he will be "making big choices" after the holidays, which means the fight for the house is on.

She is struggling with meeting OW today. Of course she is a normal human person and will be friendly. No one is going to say "that hussy can't darken my door!" so X will get some validation, even of the most uncomfortable sort.

Ugh ugh ugh.

OK.... let it go. Breathe. Breathe.