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I know this is long, but it is 18 years in the making! This is my first time ever posting, but I need something to help me get through this. I have been with my husband for 18 years. We dated for 7 (Starting in High school and thru college) and married for 11. We are both 35. He is a professional and I am a SAHM. We have three beautiful kids, 9,7, and 5. I worked as a teacher for 5 years, but when we had our third, WE decided it would be best for me to stay at home. The first 5 years of our marriage was great. We had fun, we loved raising our kids.

Another activity my husband partakes in is he is a musician. Mainly musicals for high schools, colleges, and theater companys. By year 7, he started taking on more jobs at night. He is incredibly talented at that and he really took a liking to the extra money and how much people appreciated him. Next thing you know, he was doing show after show and gone at least 3 nights a week. I wanted him home more, but he loved it and he was NEVER the one to take a liking to my opinion. I learned over the years to just keep quiet or it would end in a fight. By year 8 he was working with college students a lot. I knew deep down inside, he liked it because he never got to live out that part of his life. We were having problems. There was a lot of silence and not talking, but he HATED to talk. Even if it was very calm, he considered it fighting. In this year, I had a miscarriage and was devisated. He was soooo mad when I told him I was pregnant. I believe by the grace of God he knew it wasn't right for us and we weren't in the place to bring a baby into this world.

By year 9 he came to me and said it was OVER. It took a few days, but i figured out he was having an EA with a student from the college. They texted ALL the time and he talked a lot in the garage. He left the house for two weeks, but he came back and promised to never see or talk to her again. We agreed to work on it and he agreed to stay away from college shows. We went to counseling 4 times, but then we stopped because things were ok. He also felt like all I did in counseling was complain about him. We had ups and downs. He would throw at me this isn't working and we "tried". He threatened to leave a lot.

He is loved at his professional job and his musical job. He has surrounded himself with early 20's who put him on a pedistool. My H is attractive, built, talented, funny and everyone loved him. He was great at everything, except being a husband. People can't believe the person he is behind closed doors. He comes from a divorced M and D who did so in thier 50's. Dad was very verbally and phys abusive to mom. While he isn't hitting me, he is Emotionally abusive.

By year 10, it started going downhill fast. I wanted to go to MC, but he didn't. He said if it takes counseling than it should be. Ever since the miscarriage, I wanted another baby and he didn't. We are both very strong willed and wouldn't let up. He would continue to buy anything he wanted. Two motorcycles, quads, each son has a motorcycle. In addition to that, we already had a camper, a 50,000 truck we use 3 months out of the year. He was ALWAYS buying things. I really wanted a new refrigerator and he said no and went and bought my son a $1000 motorcycle. He was taking show after show and was never home. I felt very single and alone. He started into another college show. I told him I didn't like it and he didn't care. He said he needed to work so much because I didnt' work. According to him it wasnt' fair that he ahd to work all day and I got to stay home and do whatever I wanted. I think he really wanted to be this successful musician and he cant' have that now!

I found out through a phone call confirming his appt that he schedled a vasectomy. I was so upset. He didn't care. When the time came, i didn't take him, pick him up or wasn't there when he got home. We didn't talk for three days. After that I called and asked if we could talk about it and he said there is nothing to tlak about. He came home and I sat next to him. He looked at me and said "you better change, I have one foot out the door" WOW, that was hard. He doesn't feel as though he does anything wrong. I told him that when He wants someting, he gets it and my approval is a bonus. when I want somthing, I ask and he says no. The next day he was very lovey towards me, he apolgized for the day before, I was very confused. Three days later, He leaves. he packed up his clothes on Halloween. (Hi sons B-Day) and wasn't there when we came home) he told the kids "mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore so Daddy has to leave" Great lesson by the way@!

So here i am....scared and alone. It has been one month. I did the typical crying and begging for two weeks. We emailed, but he get very nasty and mean. He is a reactor, then a regettor. I told him to pick two days and those would be the SAME two days to see the kids until the next phase. His response was maybe I should speed things up with the divorce than. If he could have erased me within the first week he would have. It is all very hurtful and sad. I filed for support two weeks ago because he is like the wind with paying, he started threatening me that he wouldn't pay at all.

Through all this, I still maintain that I want him to see this is workable and come home. I pray everyday and hope that this could be true. I love him much and I believe he loves me. In Sept, I asked him "Do you love me? I know we don't like each other, but do you love me?" He said yes. When I asked him after he left, did he mean it or just didn't want to hurt me, he said he doesn't want to answer that.

I received the divorce papers today. Another mountain to climb. I will contest it.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I love reading the success stories and hope one day I can write my own. I do believe we can work this out! Prayer and belief is all I have right now

Help is on the way, I am new here and can only offer you a hug and this assurance - Help is on the way.

Read DR & DB. I've read DR now and it was worth the money and priority shipping rate. Get the tools and listen to the coaches.

As I said - Help is on the way.

Hugs to you SNA..

I'm so sorry you are here but you've come to the right place. Welcome to the husband is a jerk club. Your H is very emotionally abusive towards you! You must start reading here - get DB (the book) and start working on YOU.

There are a great bunch of people here with gread advice plus you have their own situations to read and learn. It's pretty much all the same story (just a variation of versions) but the spouse doing the harm all have similar behaviors.

I am going to say a prayer for you right now. I hope you will succeed and come back here with your name changed to "brave and strong!"

Hang in there - YOU are worthy don't let him beat up your self esteem any longer.

Sorry to have to welcome you to the board.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? Are you doing any counseling by yourself?

Welcome, and sorry you have to be here. You are in good hands, though.

I do have an attorney. And I have read the DR. I am ready to put the 180 into full gear, but he doesn't even come near me. He knocks on the door to get the kids and goes right into his car to wait.

I know the first response is for hatred towards my husband, but I don't and I don't want to bash him. I think he is incredibly lost and has a pit so big he can't even fill it. THanks for the quick responses. It is a strange sort of comfort that total strangers are thinking about you and hoping for me! Thanks so much.

You'll find amazing support and wisdom here. People who really care about helping you keep your family in tact. Listen to what they say.

No, not at all. You are just stating the story of your marriage. Hell when I re-read my thread it can send me into a tizzy but I don't want to breed hatred either.

I was confused reading your post though... did he actually go through with the vasectomy? How often is he picking up the kids/do you see him?

Has your attorney reviewed everything and advised you yet?

He did go through with the vasectomy. He said he didn't want any more kids because "why would I want to give my kids more people to fight with" He doesn't talk to his siblings. I on the other hand am one of 7 and ADORE my family. It was one of the things that he loved about me in HS. I used to joke and say he was dating my brothers. Looking back, that wasn't such a joke...he was looking for a family. I also believe the vacsetomy may have played a mental breakdown for him.

He sees the kids every tuesday and friday overnight. He tries to scare me into more time and that the courts will say i don't let him see them enough. If it's one good thing, the kids see him now more than ever. In the last 10 months, i figured he had been gone over 140 days out of 302 because of rehersals and shows. That's in addition to his "real" job that is m-f 8-4. He is inbetween shows now so he has nothing but time in the little duplex to sit with the kids. Even if he was a home, he would be practicing the piano for the next show.

I have sat with my attorney. I do feel a bit stronger after i speak with him.

Thanks for caring!

Well, we were doing well this week. Tuesday, we had a nice back in forth when he picked the kids up. Friday, I collected some things I knew he would want to have for when he pick the kids up for an overnight. This moring(Sat) he is supposed to bring the kids back at 12. Last week He wanted to keep them till 4 and i said ok. He texted me today and said "i'll bring them home at 4". I replied we have plans please bring them back at their normal time. Then all hell broke loose. texting back and forth until i finally called him. He gets all mad because he thinks that i am saying 12 because i am being mean. I explained we have plans and you can't tell me 2 hours before you bring them home your keeping them longer. He then throws at me that when we go to court, the judge will give him 50/50 custody. I said fine. (is that really true about 50/50 custody??? any insight would be appreciated). Until then, you walked out and I have custody so it is what i see in the best interests of the kids.

I was doing so well with the 180. Did it all get screwed up. I am so afraid to make him mad that he will NEVER come back. However, I don't want that person back anyway.

help!