Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Pls help--confused and fearful

P17, you seem to have good insight into my sitch. My WH is trying to control the sitch because he is out of control. So I do understand how you are saying how NC will get him angry. Makes sense. I'll have to tough it out. He's a prideful, entitled man, so he'll be mighty angry.

Today I delayed in responding to his email asking for me to write him a check for money his co deposited into the acct for his classes. His comments were provoking. Like calling our joint acct, my acct and for me to write him a check from it. When I did reply it was short, but not sweet. He replied with info that I don't care about... that he has extended negociations and will return from his trip on Friday. Why would I need to know that? He's lied so much that I can't believe anything anymore. He seems to be giving extra details to me and the kids about what he is doing and where he is. (Keep telling myself, detach, doesn't matter.)

I agree that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'm going to get the same results. And I guess I have to accept that it does seem like WH will not return if I go completely NC and that's what I'm afraid to deal with. I need to though. I know I sound confused, because I am. I don't want him, but I do.

I wasn't comfortable with IC telling me that I need to file. My IC said he isn't filing because he is probably waiting for OW to give up waiting on him to file against me. She thinks he feels stuck and afraid to mess things up at work. Does that make sense to anyone? I probably shouldn't care. I don't think if I file that would work to make him come back either.

I also agree that trying again will be harder than ending it. I totally see it.

I received an email about high achieving men (like Tiger Woods) and how they control their lives so much, they eventually crack. I get it from another website. It really describes my WH. Makes sense. I feel my WH is on self-destruct mode. Comes from Dr. Huizenga's blog.

"Reasons Why Tiger is Probably Having an Affair

I don't intend to bash Tiger Woods. If, indeed it is true that he is "involved" with Rachel Uchitel, I can understand.

There is a pattern I've observed over and over again in my past 25 years as a therapist. Highly successful people, their family and friends call them "good" people, eventually must deal with the ugly side of their personal need for extreme achievement.

Remember Tiger on the Johnny Carson Show, without blinking his 4 year old eyes, "I'm going to be the best golfer in the world!" Everyone believed him.

From that point on Tiger filled more than one room with trophies.

And, he collected all those trophies because golf was his life. His practice routines from an early age are well documented.

Where was he in 9th grade? On the golf course, practicing and bringing home trophies. His focus was the golf ball and his ability to control the flight of that ball as well as his mental focus.

I bring up 9th grade because it is crucial time in psychosexual development. We "fall in love," get dumped, "fall in love" again at a frightening pace.

We learn to differentiate between caring for someone and lust, between the mating urge and need for control of our impulses, between being genuine with someone or manipulating to get what we want and how to accept someone "loving us" and how to cope with someone saying no. For most it's a time to experience embarrassment, the intensity of feelings, and for some to "sow their oats."

If we don't "get it right" in 9th grade, it will emerge again.

I believe high achievers often miss out on this important segment of their lives, since the ultimate achievement goal takes precedence. Their inner life and the richness experienced in relationships becomes dormant.

Instead of "letting go" every so often, the high achiever overdevelops strict control that serves his/her personal need to achieve.

Tiger has certainly attempted to control his life. His mental control on the golf course in unparalleled. He won a major by playing through the pain of a broken leg.

We know very little about Tiger. His personal life is hidden - under his control. And, he lives behind a walled fortress in Florida.

That ability to control and set boundaries, at some point for the high achiever, falls apart.

And, what we see then is a polarity response... behavior we never thought that person capable.

Family, friends, the media exclaim, "No way, that's not like him/her! Never saw it coming!"

Just yesterday I coached a wife whose very successful business person, upstanding community leader - husband became entangled in a 13 month steamy affair with what I remember some calling a "barfly." His life was tumbling down the tubes.

The effort it takes to control and focus on the external goal often meets an end, and sometimes, it's not pretty.

I did research this morning and discovered that Rachel Uchitel some would describe as a "loose canon."

She is bragging to others about her and Tiger's explicit text messages (in 9th grade we used to secretly slip each other notes with drawn hearts and xoxoxs.) She's been rumored to be with a number of men and has a pattern of seducing celebrities on a pretty regular basis.

I don't think this is someone Tiger would bring home to mother.

But, she might fit nicely into Tiger's need to "let loose?"

Just perhaps this is "unfinished business" for Tiger that he missed in 9th grade?

I'm not saying that Tiger IS having an affair with this woman. I'm saying it is possible - and why it is possible, not only for Tiger but for countless others in our culture attempting to meet their personal achievement needs.

But, more than that, I want you to understand the journey of life that we all must traverse, that brings us opportunities to grow, mature and evolve intrapersonally and in our relationships.

Sometimes we hit it well. Sometimes we triple bogey."

I feel like I'm the only one on these forums that has a WS that doesn't even bother to contact them. My WH is almost NC with me! Really, this feels hopeless. I'm fed up w the disrespect and no confession.

I've started to read Love Must Be Tough. Seems pretty similar to DB techniques, just stated differently. I know I need to set boundaries and quit being so passive. But my WH is controlling and possibly narsisistic. I know I need to not contact him and keep GAL and detaching.

He's controlling me with the money too. I am a stay at home mom and have been for years. I've gone back to school and don't have the $ to pay for my classes or books and hate having to ask him, but he recently got his bonus.

Another thing... OW's exH keeps contacting me and is flirtateous w me. I'm avoiding contact w him. Doesn't feel right.

I had an email from W last Thursday and a 'pretend' phone call on Sunday. Other than that W hasn't contacted me at all since the NC (okay it's been two weeks). As I have ignored all contact up till now, I think I won't get any more as she may well have taken the hint (although somebody did post on my thread to say they never get it).

NC is not about them contacting you. It's about you healing and sorting yourself out. If you are using it solely as a tool to teach him a lesson or get him back it won't work.

Him not contacting you is common. He is testing you to make sure you mean what you say. You have to keep it up. Don't break it, even if you want to (and I really wanted to the last few days) as it will set you back a 100 steps and your WAH has the power back.

He wants to contact you. You want to contact him. You need to be the stronger.



That is wrong. Very wrong. Maybe OW put him up to this? Maybe not, but it might be something to think about.

Keep away from him completely. It will only make your efforts a lot more difficult (as you probably know).

Thanks for the support P17. I guess I'm having a hard time seeing how WAH has discarded me so easily. Makes me feel better to think he is testing me. I'll think of that when I'm tempted to contact him. It's been so hard to feel forgotten. I do hope he is feeling that himself.

OW's ex has texted me, called my cell and home and now sent me a FB message. All saying he's concerned for me and is supporting me. Too messy... my WAH broke up his marriage. He gave me an earful on what type of woman she is and what they do together. I don't need to know anymore. Too painful. I'm working on healing, not getting revenge.

WAH is wanting to spend more time with the kids. That's good but he hasn't cleared it with me. Seems like a game of chicken then. Who will contact first. I won't break now that I see it as a test.

Daybyday,

Just remember on top of testing you, your WH feels guilty andis avoiding you for this reason, too. I have observed that there are just as many angry, hurtful WSs as "friendly" cake eating WSs (mine) but maybe you aren't seeing them on this board right now.At least the angry ones give you space so you aren't tortured by seeing them all the time (I try to find the silver lining).


It's a good sign that he wants to see your kids more...his current life is slowing down enough to let him realize he misses his kids!

I bet you're right...the OW's ex is looking for a revenge affair. Gross.

Also, all WSs are narcissistic at least temporarily.

Good job with NC! Keep it up...enjoy your power. He expects you to contact him so show him you are stronger than he knows!

Newmama, thanks for pointing out the silver lining and for the encouragement. I forget to do that. I sure don't feel like I have power by NC though. But, I gotta try to see it that way. I'm trying to be strong and to keep busy and distract myself. Meeting friends for dinner tonight. Saturday is girls' night out. I also signed up to volunteer at the hospital. I'm trying...

The testing too is hard. See my latest posts on my thread about it. Are we sure they are testing us? Are they maybe not just contacting us about 'business'? Are they doing x, y z ... it's hard I totally understand it.



It sounds a bit like OW's XH is looking for revenge himself. Best stay out of it.



Another test.

I know I need to avoid thinking of why H is not contacting me but it is so hard! To me it doesn't feel like a test. I don't feel there could be any love for me left at all from him. I do feel replaced and forgotten. I don't feel I am in control of this sitch at all. He couldn't care less about me in NC.

He isn't contacting you likely for the reasons newmama mentioned. He also could be trying to show he isn't hurt, guilty or upset just like you are trying to show him. He could also be not contacting you as he has replaced you in his head (sorry I know that hurts but it maybe true). But he CANNOT, or at least I believe he cannot, replace you in his heart for the time being or as his kids mother. The OW will never have that over him.



You are completely in control of this situation. You have his kids there (and I don't mean using them as a pawn, I mean they are with you and he has to contact you when he sees them). You are not contacting him. He is contacting you, or at least will do.

He is waiting to see if you contact him about the kids 'offering' dates here and there. Don't do it. Let him come to you and ask about dates. Again I am not suggesting you use the kids as a pawn (as I fought for 7 years to see my D because she was being used as a pawn) but DO NOT chase him. He is a big boy. If he wants to see his kids, he'll come to you and talk about it.

And by the way, it always looks like the WAS couldn't care less about us in NC. Maybe it's true for some. Maybe it's not for others. NC isn't there for them. It's for us. What they do is irrelevant and I know that is a lot easier to say than actually do / feel. However you need to move on with your life without him. When he sees that he will panic and he will either follow or he will let you go. However, you still need to do it either way.

You will be okay with or without him. Keep telling yourself that.